I brushed off my thoughts and hit his number.
He picked up after the first ring. “Hey, congratulations on the win! Lincoln and I watched it while Hunter and Morgan napped.”
“Thanks, it was a damn good weekend.”
“Then why do you sound like your dog just died?” Brock asked.
I let out a frustrated sigh. I never could hide things from him. “Brock, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been out of sorts.”
“It doesn’t look like it. That ride was spot on. Damn, Dirk, I don’t think you can get much better than first place,” he said with a laugh.
“It’s not my riding, man. I’ve been having these dreams that are messing with my damn mind.”
I was met with a moment of silence before he asked, “Okay, what kind of dreams?”
“I’m not on speaker, am I?”
“No, let me head on out to the back porch, though.”
I heard a door open and close as Brock made his way out. I stood and started to pace across my hotel room.
“All right, I’m alone now,” Brock said. “What type of dreams are you having?”
“This is going to sound insane.”
He gave me a laugh. “Try me.”
I jerked my hand through my hair and blew out a breath and went for it. Ripped the Band-Aid right off. “I’ve been dreaming about Merit. Like, vivid dreams of us together and, dude, I say…I say…”
My voice trailed off as I closed my eyes and let the dream come back. I’d had the same damn dream for months now. Sometimes I would go weeks without having it, then it would show back up again out of the blue and sucker punch me just as hard as it did all the other times.
“What do you say?”
“It’s insane what I say. I don’t know why I say it. It’s something I would never say! I mean, I’m sure someday I’ll say it to some woman. Eventually. But…the dream is so real.”
“You sound like you’re about to freak out.”
“I am freaking out! I wake up sweating, and I can’t fucking breathe!”
He laughed. “Dude, calm down. Just tell me what you say.”
“I tell her…I tell her I love her.”
There was silence on the other end of the line. Dead. Fucking. Silence.
“Brock?”
“I’m here, I’m processing this bit of…information.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Right? How in the hell do you think I feel? This is Merit we’re talking about. Merit Eden! The girl who was like a sister to me growing up.”
“The girl you slept with and took her virginity. And then you threatened every guy in high school with their lives if they touched her. That same girl?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, that girl.”
“Do you think it has something to do with what happened between the two of you?” Brock prompted. I never told Brock what truly happened. He knew we slept together, he knew the rumors, but I never denied them or admitted they were true.
“I don’t want to talk about that night, Brock,” I said coldly.
He sighed softly. “Dirk, I think you need to talk about it. Whatever happened that night ruined your friendship with Merit. Don’t think I didn’t notice how she left on New Year’s Eve after you took her to my dad’s office. She looked angry.”
“She was angry with me because I wanted to try and talk about what happened between us that night in the barn. She didn’t want to. She got a call and left.”
“And where did you go after she left?” Brock asked.
I cleared my throat. “I…I left too.”
“Did you leave with her? Did something happen between you guys that night?”
I laughed. “No, hell no. She made it pretty clear she wasn’t thrilled to see me. Although, I might have followed her home before going home myself.”
“Why did you follow her home?”
I sat back down on the bed and blew out another breath. “Dude, I don’t know. I wanted to see where she was going. Maybe I wanted to make sure she got home okay. I’m not really sure why I followed her.”
He chuckled. The bastard actually chuckled. “When did you become a stalker, dude? Maybe you wanted to see if she was meeting up with anyone.”
I let out a scoff. “Please. I don’t care if she’s seeing anyone.”
The moment the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I did care. Fuck, I cared more than I wanted to admit. Over the years, it had almost driven me mad wondering who she was with, living in the fast-paced world of New York City. If she’d fallen in love with someone. If it hadn’t been for my mother drip-feeding me news on Merit, I’d have most likely lost my damn mind. Or tracked her down in New York myself.
So, to keep my sanity in check, I slept with any willing woman out on the circuit and tried to convince myself that settling down wasn’t in the cards for me. But I think all the years of living in denial were finally catching up to me.