I couldn’t read Merit’s expression. Her breathing picked up a bit, but she didn’t appear to be angry.
A part of me felt guilty, but only a small part. “I’m sorry I got her to answer questions under false pretenses.”
“No, please don’t be sorry, Dirk. I should have told you the moment I found out. Everyone told me to tell you, so the fault lies with me. It’s just that so many things happened all at once, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you right then.”
She slipped off the stool and walked over to her purse, pulled out an envelope and placed it on the counter. “I had a copy made for you, for when I told you.”
I smiled and placed my finger on the envelope, sliding it over to me. I opened it and saw our baby once more. That rush of happiness hit me all over again, but now it felt different. Merit standing there, knowing our child was growing inside her, made it all feel real.
I suddenly realized I wanted this more than I had ever dreamed. This being Merit, our child, a family. I wanted Merit in every way possible. No, I needed her.
Merit stared down at the photo and smiled. “I was going to frame the other one. Or maybe put it in a baby book,” she added with a half shrug.
“I’ve got another copy in my wallet, the one that Janice printed out for me.”
She lifted her eyes to look at me, a stunned expression on her face. “You carried it in your wallet?”
“Yeah, of course. It might have taken me by surprise and threw me into a drunken binge for a few days, but it’s still my child. I think I instantly fell in love with the little peanut the moment I heard his heartbeat. Or hers,” I said with a wink.
She smiled softly. “I did, too, and I cried, but I mostly remember wishing you were there.”
“I will be, next time.”
Her eyes lit up, but then her happy expression slipped. “Dirk, this doesn’t have to change how you…um…live your life. I’m not asking you for anything. You know that. The only thing I want is for you to be a part of the baby’s life.”
I felt my entire body still. What in the hell was she saying? Did I have this all wrong?
I turned and faced her, my arms crossed over my chest. “Basically you’re telling me I’m still free to keep fucking women.”
She took a step back. I hated myself for even uttering the words.
“I heard what you said to Brock that day, and I know you’re not looking for a relationship with me. I’m okay with that…at least, I’m trying to be okay with that, if I’m being honest. You’re free to keep living your life the way you want. I won’t burden you with anything more than being a father to our child.”
Finally, after a few moments, she stood taller. “If that’s what you want.”
“Is that what you want, Merit?”
“Me?” she asked, suddenly looking uneasy. “What I want doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t?”
She shook her head.
“Why doesn’t it matter?”
With a disbelieving look, she turned away from me and held onto the counter. I could see her body shaking, and I had to fight the urge to pull her to me. I needed her to tell me what she was thinking. Her thoughts about me, about us. About our future. But it was time I opened up my own heart and set aside my own scared feelings. Before I had a chance to speak, she did.
When she spoke, her voice kept faltering, and each time I heard it crack, it cut into my heart deeper. “I’m not going to beg you to want to be with me, Dirk. I begged you once for something, and it led me to nothing but heartache. I can’t do that again. I can’t allow myself to go down that road once more.”
She wrapped her arms around her body and took in a long, deep breath as she went on. “You made it very clear you wanted nothing from me, and I need to make it very clear to you that I’m positive my heart cannot possibly survive any more disappointment.”
“Turn around and look at me, Merit. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t care if I walk out that door right now, because I’m telling you that is the last thing I want to do. I’ve been a complete dickhead. I’ve been lost and confused and I know that’s not an excuse, but the one thing I do know is I don’t want to hurt you ever again.”
She spun around, and it was finally there. Finally! Emotion. Anger. Sadness. Desire. “What are you saying?”
“I want you, Merit. I’ve always wanted you.”
She slowly shook her head, and I nearly felt my knees go out when I saw a tear trail down her cheek.