“But let me tell you right now, there is not a day in my life where I didn’t regret not going after you. To beg you to listen to me, to prove to you that you held my heart the entire time. I don’t think I truly understood it then, but I know it now. I know it with all my heart. I’ve said over and over these last few years that I didn’t want a family, or that I had no desire to settle down. It’s only because you’re the only woman I’ve ever thought about having a future with—and that future seemed like a prize I couldn’t win, because I was the one who hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Merit.”
She pulled in a breath and slowly let it out, then drew her brows in tight. “You would have given up anything to be with Kaci. You even said so.”
I felt my face heat up, and I couldn’t look at her in that moment, because I had said that. I did think that what I felt for Kaci was love, but not the same love I felt for Merit. That love was fierce and strong and scared the shit out of me.
I swallowed hard. “I thought what I felt for her was love…but after being with you that night, I knew it wasn’t. The type of feelings I had for you…I knew they could destroy me. What I had for Kaci, hell…I think it was the fight to win her attention more than anything. You and I both know we never would have lasted if Kaci had picked me. After she married Brock, I knew I cared about her deeply, but I didn’t love her. I can look back now and say that without a doubt. With Kaci, I didn’t feel like this, like how I feel right now with you.”
I placed my hand over my chest. “This feeling inside me here…I can tell you that when we were together, it’s never felt like that with any other woman. And I’m not talking about the sex, I’m talking about how you make my soul feel, Merit. It’s different with you, and that scared me because I knew you had the power to bring me to my knees.”
She wiped her tears away again. “Dirk, how do you know this isn’t simply everything bombarding you all at once? Your dad dying, an unplanned pregnancy. Can you honestly say you’re ready for all of this?”
I motioned between us. “I’m not saying this thing we have is going to be easy. I have no clue what I’m doing, Bugs. I only know that when Dad died, everything changed. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. But I can promise you right now, the one thing I know for sure is that I want to be here, for you, for our baby. I want to spend time with you. Learn you all over again. I don’t want to let you slip through my fingers. We both know I’m going to mess up. Probably multiple times.”
Merit ran the back of her hand over her nose, and I wanted to smile but didn’t.
“Merit, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since New Year’s Eve. You’re in my thoughts, my dreams, and yes, you’re pregnant now with our baby. But I’m not doing this out of obligation. And I won’t lie to you and say I’m not scared, because I’m fucking terrified.”
A small smile played at the corners of her mouth. “Me, too.”
I looked at her with what I knew were pleading eyes. “Please, please don’t push me away because you think I’m doing this because of the baby. Yes, it was the push I needed to be honest with myself and you, but I’m begging you. Don’t push me away.”
“Dirk,” she whispered as we both made our way to each other like magnets. I suddenly needed her in my arms. Needed to be near her, in her, around her. Hell, I simply needed Merit like I needed my next breath.
I stopped right in front of her and cupped her face in my hands. We gazed into each other’s eyes.
With as much conviction as I could put into my words, I said, “I love you. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. I was too stupid to see it and an idiot not to admit it. But never again.”
It felt like a million years before she reacted. I saw her take every word I said and let them sink into her brain. I knew she was trying to decide if what I told her was true. Finally, her face erupted into a brilliant smile. She reached up on her toes and brought her lips to mine.