Pushing You Away - Noah & Katie (Ex-Con Duet 3)

“I’m not. I’d never joke about that. I honestly thought you knew but didn’t see me that way and just never said anything,” I admit.

The mood grows awkward as I finish sweeping the floor. I’m not sure what else to say or how to change the subject. Instead, we start working again. Katie removes the molding and wrinkled wallpaper like a pro, and I help keep the space clean.

We both take a deep breath and look at the bathtub.

“We've completed a lot already,” she says with a pleased smile.

“So what you're saying is you're glad I’m here?”

Katie smirks. “I am glad you're here. Will say it took you long enough.”

We take a quick water break and eat leftover bagels for lunch.

“So what's next on the list after the bathroom?” I ask as we stand in the kitchen.

“I’m not sure yet,” she says around a mouthful. “I’d like to finish the first floor, then work on completing the upstairs. The only problem is Owen’s room is up there, and I want it to be done sooner than later so if we move in before everything’s done, he has somewhere to sleep. I need to make a list and stick to it, but I get overwhelmed and get off schedule. I’m paying a mortgage note and rent at my place plus double utilities, so things are tight. Moving would make it easier to save money for new furniture and décor.”

“Yeah, that makes total sense. When are you hoping you can move in?”

Katie lets out a sarcastic laugh. “Well, the flooring needs to get done, and I need to order the windows so then we could at least have the bedrooms done. In a dream world, the house would be completely done by the end of the year. Realistically, I think it's going to take me a few years due to my work schedule and needing to save up for all the appliances on top of everything else. ”

“Well, if it means anything, I promise to help you with whatever I can,” I say. “Seriously, just put me to work.”

“Thanks, Noah. I appreciate that, but you don't have to worry about me. I’ll eventually get it done,” she tells me.

“I’ll always worry about you, Katie. No matter what. I worried about you at fifteen, and I worry about you at thirty-one.” I chuckle, but it’s true. Even when I was locked up, I thought about her constantly.

Soft eyes meet mine, and I take the opportunity to mention the past again. “Earlier, when I admitted I had a crush on you… There's actually more to the story. It wasn’t just a crush. I was in love with you for years. If I could go back in time and tell you, I would. Keeping it to myself is one of the biggest regrets of my life because when Gabe showed up, I lost my opportunity.”

I see tears well on the brim of her eyes. I can only imagine how hard this is to hear.

“I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I don’t want to keep it inside any longer. The last thing I want to do is have something happen to me without you knowing the truth.”

“Wow.” She releases a breath. “Why didn’t you tell me all those years ago?”

“Rejection, mostly. I was scared I’d ruin our friendship if you didn’t see me that way. There were countless times when I thought it was the perfect opportunity, but I kept chickening out. I tried during our movie nights or summers hanging out together, but I was a coward. I’d thought up so many different scenarios to say something, but I’d talk myself out of it. I was too scared of your reaction. Guess I figured it was better to have you as a friend than to potentially lose you forever.”

“Noah,” she whispers.

“I think back and wonder what would’ve happened if I had told you. Maybe my life wouldn't be like it is today. Maybe Gabe would still be alive, and I wouldn't have gone to prison. Maybe you’d be my wife, and Owen would be my son.”

Tears stream down her face as I continue.

“I blame myself and will harbor a lifetime worth of guilt. I wish I would’ve found the courage to admit how in love with you I always was. At times, you’d look at me, and I felt the chemistry between us. But we never talked about it, and I just assumed it was one-sided.”

Katie takes a step back and leans against the kitchen counter. “I-I can’t believe this…”

“I’m sor—”

“It wasn't one-sided, Noah,” she interrupts, keeping her eyes on mine. “I didn’t know how to tell you either, especially because you were older and seemed way too cool to like a girl like me. I used to dream about you making a move and kissing me. I was way too scared to say anything, or I guess, even hint I wanted you to. Then Gabe came along, and when he asked me out, you didn't say anything. I thought maybe you’d fight for me if you had liked me that way, but you approved. You seemed happy for us, so I figured you saw me like a sister. I’d convinced myself that I’d imagined you flirting with me, and it was nothing more than a stupid teenage crush.”