He said it about everyone.
It happened so many times it was common practice, and… Was she right?
But no. “Ric, he doesn’t love me back.”
“What?”
“He doesn’t love me.”
People were moving around me. Someone shoved into me, dipping around.
“Move it, lady.”
“Fucking—” a guy cut me off, darting around me.
I heard them all. I felt them all, but I was locked in this phone call.
“How do you know? He might love you.”
I was a blister. I was raw and bleeding, and I was trying to pop my own sore, trying to get the healing started because I needed it.
“He told me. He doesn’t love me.”
“When?” She got quiet.
I shrugged. “Does that matter?”
“Yes! It matters. When did he tell you that? Before or after you started sleeping together?”
“When we first started.”
“Oh.”
Yes. Oh.
Oh, damn.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, oooh.
He didn’t love me while I loved him, and when he woke me up like he did this morning, I loved him even more. If this kept going, I’d keep falling. Harder. Faster.
I’d be so deep, there’d be no way out when he’d end things between us, because he would end things. There was always an end when someone didn’t love the other one.
I’d been falling hard and fast since the first time I saw him.
“Honey.” Her words were twisted in sympathy.
“I’ve been pulling away because I’m trying to protect myself. It’s not working, Ric. It’s….” It was hurting to breathe.
It was hurting to just stand here and have this conversation because once I said the words, it’d be real. Once I told someone about it, I’d have to deal with it.
I’d have to leave.
But I couldn’t.
I would never leave Nova. Not ever.
“I love him.”
A soft sigh from her. “I’m so sorry, Quince.”
Me, too.
“Are you absolutely sure that he doesn’t love you back?”
“Yes.”
I don’t love you… But I want to fuck you.
“Okay. This is what we’re going to do. You are not going to think about this anymore. Set it aside. Push it to the back of your head because you have a show tomorrow. You’re going to do your show, and you’re going to ace it, and I’m going to be there for you afterward. You can come stay here that night.”
“Ricci,” I started.
“No. Hear me out. You need a night away. A night to compose yourself. You’ll be fresh off the show. You’re going to be exhausted, have adrenaline in you, and your emotions will be all over the board.”
“He wants to talk tomorrow night.”
She got quiet again. “What do you think he wants to talk about?”
I needed to move.
I needed to keep walking, get my food, and head back to rehearsals. I was losing time, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to move forward. It was as if this phone call took precedence over everything.
“Probably what he wanted to talk about today. I think he could feel how much I loved him, and I think he’s going to end it between us.”
“No. You don’t know that.”
But I did.
I felt it.
“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”
The pit of my stomach dropped out. I was gripping my phone so hard. I whispered, feeling like a coward, “I don’t know.”
“Babe.”
“I know. I know. A part of me just wants to tell him, roll the dice and see what he says, but what if he decides this isn’t the right environment for me? For us? Then I think… just shut up and keep him as long as I can keep him? You know?”
“I don’t like that you’re thinking of this.”
“What if it’s the truth? I could lose Nova.”
“No. He would never do that.”
“Nothing’s protecting me. I can’t lose her. I can take the pain. I can pretend, lie, take the hits as long as I have her.” My eyes closed, and a tear slipped out, I told her. “She called me ‘Mama’ today.”
She gasped. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Now I was crying and smiling at the same time. I was feeling nuts and probably looking nuts.
“That’s wonderful!”
“Nate heard it. He was there.”
Oh God. Was that why he decided to end it? Because he heard her call me Mama?
No. I couldn’t believe that.
I could believe a lot, but not that. Nate wouldn’t be like that. He’d never been like that with me.
He has with others.
No. I shut those thoughts down. Nate didn’t deserve me having those thoughts about him.
He made you sign that paper. You can’t fight him for her. Are you forgetting he did that?
“I think you should just tell. Would that actually be that bad?”
“Yes!” I hissed, already feeling the rejection from him, already seeing the rejection from him. “The only good scenario that comes out of this is if he feels the same, and he’s told me he doesn’t. I can’t keep deluding myself. No good will come out of me telling him my feelings. None.”
I needed to keep him to keep Nova, and that meant I needed to handle myself.