It had clearly hurt her, and that made him feel like shit. “But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I haven’t had sex with her since early March.” Fuck, he and Tessa weren’t going anywhere—they couldn’t—but he wanted to be honest with her. “I haven’t with anyone else, either.”
She turned to him, open-mouthed and gaping. “You haven’t slept with anyone since…”
“I met you, no.”
Tessa swallowed. “I haven’t, either. I haven’t wanted to.”
On some level, he’d suspected that, but her admission still thrilled the fuck out of him. And his reaction was nothing short of stupid. What could he possibly do with the information except want her even more? Unless…
“The offer still stands. Quit your job. I’ll support you. We can be together and—”
“I can’t.” She looked at him as if that fact was tearing her in two. “I need to make my own way. And I need this job.” A tear fell down her cheek. “I wish things could be different.”
“If it was… If that fucking contract wasn’t in our way, would you?”
She didn’t even hesitate. “Yes.”
If a path ever opened between them, he’d be on her doorstep in less than five minutes.
“I know we can’t and that won’t change anytime soon, but I think about you,” she admitted, her voice shaking. “A lot.”
Fuck, she was gouging out his insides. “Baby, I think about you, too. I worried about you being alone all weekend.”
“I wasn’t alone.”
“Weren’t you? Who held you? Who made you feel safe so you could shower after Cash was gone? So you could sleep? So you could feel like you hadn’t been totally violated in your own home? While you were grieving your dad?”
More tears fell. “No one.”
Zy couldn’t fault her for feeling the need to care for her daughter and make her way in the world, but damn it, what the fuck were they supposed to do? They had nowhere to go from here but up in flames.
“Fuck.”
“As hard as it is to be near you when I can’t be with you…it’s harder being without you at all.”
He’d come to the same conclusion. Every minute he wasn’t with her, he missed her so much. Every night he craved her, he spent it stroking himself to empty orgasms that only left him wanting her more. It was a vicious cycle that needed to stop. “So what do we do? What can we do?”
“Nothing.”
She was right, and that made Zy feel so fucking helpless. But he’d be goddamned if he didn’t think of something, some way to get out of this fucking tangle so he could finally make her his.
Christmas Eve
Over the ensuing five weeks, Tessa was both happier than she’d been in forever…and sadder. Every moment she spent with Zy was euphoric, filled with tingles and butterflies and giddiness. He made her feel beautiful. He made her feel important. And without touching her at all, he made her feel like a woman.
But inevitably, the bosses would pull Zy away for assignments or schedule meetings during their lunches. And she knew why. They meant well, especially since spending a cozy hour every day with Zy was reckless. Still, even if they did nothing more than talk, listen to music, and disagree about their favorite movies, she hated losing the moments they’d planned together because just being around him made her happy.
But tonight filled her with mixed feelings. Yes, they had attended a Christmas party together earlier in the month, at the very swanky home of former FBI agent Sean Mackenzie. He apparently shared the place—and his wife—with club owner Mitchell Thorpe. They were lovely people and gracious hosts...even if Tessa didn’t understand their relationship.
By comparison, Trees’s Christmas Eve dinner would be intimate. And she was nervous. If she and Zy slipped up and got too close…no one tonight would stop them.
She shimmied the skirt of her sexy red holiday dress into place and kissed a cooing Hallie, who sat in her car seat, wearing a green velvet onesie that matched her bright eyes.
“Ready, gorgeous?” she asked her daughter.
Hallie gurgled and clapped.
They’d both been happier since Cash had gone. She’d spent the weekend after his arrest scrubbing away every last trace of him in her house. The rest of his belongings, like his computer and all his games, she’d taken to his father, who’d been relieved that she hadn’t pressed charges and grateful that she’d brought Hallie to visit him. Tessa felt sorry for the older man. His wife had passed, and his son was a mess. She hadn’t seen any reason to add to his burden. In fact, she hoped Cash finally found some peace in rehab and got himself straightened out. Not that she would trust him again. Ever. His days of being a staple in her life were over. But she hoped they could behave civilly for Hallie’s sake.