“It’s fine,” I say, reassuring her . . . and maybe myself. “Honest.”
“It’s not fine.”
“Nothing has changed,” I say, my voice dead. “I mean—”
“So, sleeping with him changed nothing for you?”
I give her the best blank stare I can muster. “Does it always mean something to you when you have sex with a guy?”
“No. But I don’t marry my childhood bestie first and then have sex with him. I just pick random guys up at the bar in Rockery.”
I sigh, turning my back on her as I move toward the plastic drop cloths.
“It’s not the same, Sophie.”
“Maybe not. But it is the same situation as it was before. I mean, the whole objective of this little caper was so he can get the job in Florida. That’s still the objective.”
I force a swallow and ignore how hot my skin feels. I tell myself to breathe, that everything will fall into place soon, and that I will realize it’s for the best. But as I stand in front of Grigg’s sale rack and stare at opened packages of drop cloths, it doesn’t quite feel that way.
“Maybe he won’t get the job,” Liv says. “Is it wrong to hope that?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I can’t root him on when I know it will hurt you.”
I tear my eyes away from the shelves and look at my sister. “It won’t hurt me. It might sting a little, because . . . I might miss him a little. He’s . . . fun.”
“I bet he is.”
Her grin snaps me out of my funk.
The pity I’ve felt from her already today is the first of what will come when he leaves. I don’t want her—or anyone—to look at me like I lost another husband. Because to everyone else, he is my husband. It’s the real deal. But Liv knows how I feel. I can see it on her face. And having her feel sorry for me will be embarrassing too.
I have to stay levelheaded about this. I need to take things one step at a time. At one point, I had this all figured out. I just wish I could get back there.
“I need you to listen to me.” I set my pile of things down on the floor before giving Liv my attention again. Taking a deep breath, I try to find the right words to explain how I feel. “It would be really easy for me to just go all in with hope and rainbows here. Holden is fun and fun. He’s smart and funny and sweet. But he’s not mine, Liv.”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s the truth. It’s what I always do. I hear what I want to hear. I see what I want to see. I feel what I think I feel, and before I know it, I’m all screwed up.” I brush a stray hair out of my face. “I can’t see and hear in my head he’s going to stay. And now that we’re talking about it, I . . . it sounds so rational. I have to accept it, Liv. Somehow.”
Olivia takes a sip of her coffee and silently pleads with me to see things her way. I can feel her brain waves trying to permeate mine, but I hold tight. Eventually, she gives up.
Her shoulders drop. “Fine. I hate it when you’re all logical.”
“You know what?”
“What?”
I smile sadly at her. “At least now I have some idea of what a relationship can be like. I know what I want now. I’ll just have to find it with a guy that wants it with me.”
Liv returns my smile. We stand face-to-face for a long time, neither of us saying a word. There’s really nothing to say. I’ve basically admitted I have real feelings for Holden and he doesn’t for me. Surely, that’s the first baby step in getting through this minefield.
She reaches out and taps the Earl sample.
“What?” I ask.
“Go with that one. It’s the less depressing of the two. More pink than blue undertones.”
I grin to myself as I put the Earl card in my paint tray. “Decision made. Now, do we have a ladder tall enough to reach the top of the walls?”
She looks at her watch. “I don’t know, but I need to get back to work. My lunch hour is almost over.”
“Already?”
“Yeah.” She presses a kiss to my cheek. “Call me if you need me, okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
I smile at her. “I will. I’ll call if I need you.”
She tosses me a wink before heading out the door.
The room is quiet. The longer I stand alone, the more alone I feel.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and dial my brother. It rings four times before he picks up.
“Hey,” he says.
“I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”
“Nope. I only avoid girls I’ve slept with who want to marry me.”