Start Me Up (Man of the Month 4)

Dear God, how she did.

But she'd felt trapped. Closed in. Downright scared. Because how could she--her of all people--live in that spotlight that he did? And not just any spotlight, but a downright raunchy one.

Surely he understood that. He knew her, after all. He had to know that her reaction wasn't about him. It was about standing in that spotlight where people like her mother would see her and frown and wag judgmental fingers.

That's what she was scared of.

Not Nolan. Because how could she ever be scared of the man she loved?

* * *

"You really ought to take her calls, dude," Connor said as they sat in the KIKX break room after the show. "She's been calling every day like clockwork."

"Maybe I should," Nolan said. "Hell, maybe I deserved it. Maybe she's right to be embarrassed by me."

"Bullshit," Connor said. "I mean, come on, man. You make people laugh. You make people think. You damn sure make people talk, and that's a good thing."

"I don't know. Maybe. I only--"

The intercom buzzed and the receptionist announced a call from Amanda.

"I'll take it in here," he told her, then went to the phone and punched the button for the proper line.

Connor stood and walked to the door, signaling that he'd catch him later.

"Amanda? What's up?"

"It's me," Shelby said. "I figured you'd talk to Amanda, but please, don't hang up."

Surprisingly, he didn't. The phone was still to his ear. And as hurt and as angry as he was, the sound of her voice only underscored how damn much he missed her.

But missing her wasn't enough. Not by a long shot.

"You haven't returned any of my calls," she said.

"There's nothing to say. I've been in a relationship with a woman who didn't respect me. I'm not going there again."

"No. No, don't

you dare lump me in with Lauren. I respect you, Nolan. Hell, I need you. I was just caught off guard. Scared."

"About what?"

"Being caught in the spotlight like that. With my mother freaking out about toothbrush vibrators and people asking me about the stuff between us that you talk about on your show. I can't riff about sex like you can. And I'm not comfortable with people looking that closely at my life, much less my sex life. But it's not you. Don't you get it? Don't you understand the difference?"

"Baby," he said softly, his heart squeezing tight in defense against the words he had to say. Because even though she didn't realize it, she'd just told him that there was no way for them to be together. Not ever. "I do. I get it."

"Well?"

"Don't you see, Shelby? That's the life you'd have. We can't be together behind concrete walls. If you're with me the walls are glass. I can shield you some, but not completely. Because even if I don't talk about our sex life, I'll still be talking about vibrators and hard-ons, and your mother will be mortified and your clients will raise their eyebrows. It's the one constant of what I do, and there's no way around it. And we both know I can't quit. It's what I am. It's who I am."

"I know." He heard the small sob and it nearly broke his heart.

"It can't work, Shelby. And you're the one who just told us why."

* * *

For days, Shelby battled her thoughts, trying to decide what to do. And trying to figure out who she was, and what she wanted.