More Than Words

He looked over at her and smiled. “No need to apologize,” he said.

She wondered if his heartbeat was speeding up, too. The vibrations of his voice echoed deep inside her, as if it were set at the same frequency as her muscles and bones. God, she needed to leave this room, too. Nowhere was safe.

“Is it time for me to go on yet?” he asked.

Nina shook her head. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Clearing her throat, she said, “About another fifteen minutes. And—I’m sorry again I wasn’t able to come by on Thursday. But it’s probably for the best.”

“Probably,” he echoed. His eyes traced her bare neck and shoulders, before catching her gaze.

All she wanted to do was touch him. “I should head back,” she told him. “But I’ll see you in there. There’s a decent crowd.”

Rafael nodded. “Thank you again,” he said. “For doing this.”

“Of course,” she answered softly.

As Nina walked back toward the ballroom, she ran into Caro in the hallway. “The campaign staff has been looking for you,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

Nina felt heat rise to her cheeks and put her hands on her face. “I was just talking to Rafael,” she said. “Giving him a fifteen-minute warning.”

“Darling,” Caro said, her eyes on Nina’s cheeks, clearly noticing her blush, “be careful. You know, I have a Twitter account, too.”

Nina’s blush deepened. “I should go find Jane,” she said.

60

After speeches were given—both Nina’s and Rafael’s—and dessert had been served, Nina took a moment to sit down with Pris and Hayley.

“We’re really the grown-ups now,” Hayley was musing as she rolled the stem of her wineglass between her fingers.

“What do you mean?” Pris asked.

“I mean we’re doing what our parents used to do. All of us. I didn’t realize until I saw you up there”—she looked at Nina—“but we’ve taken over. It’s our turn now.”

Nina looked around at the room. Hayley wasn’t wrong. Some of her father’s friends had come, but it was mostly people her age—hers and Tim’s.

“We have grown up,” Nina said, leaning back in her chair.

Pris opened her mouth to respond but then focused on something behind Nina—her eyebrows raised. Nina turned around and immediately stood. Tim and Rafael were walking out the door of the ballroom together. She followed as quickly as she could in her heels. Rafael’s bodyman was already there by the time she made it to the door frame, just out of view.

“—man to man,” Tim was saying, in the hallway. “She’s with me.”

“Pardon?” Rafael said, with a quiet intensity. Nina wanted to stop them, but she was frozen, riveted.

“I saw how you look at her,” Tim said. “I know we don’t know each other, but if you’re going to travel in these circles, other men’s women are off-limits.”

If you’re going to travel in these circles? Other men’s women? This didn’t even sound like Tim. She was embarrassed. Of him. For him.

Everyone in the corner of the ballroom closest to the door had stopped talking and was trying to see what was happening.

Nina cleared her throat. “What’s going on here?” she asked, stepping forward. Tim turned, surprised to find her standing there. She could see from his eyes, how they weren’t quite focused, that he’d had one drink too many. And likely a conversation with Eric Lancer. He’d been a bad influence on Tim since lower school. If you’re going to travel in these circles was absolutely something he would say.

“He keeps looking at you,” Tim said, gesturing to Rafael. “I told him to stop. He can’t look at you like that.”

Nina looked at Rafael. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“Why are you apologizing to him?” Tim asked. “He should be apologizing to you. And to me.”

He turned back to Rafael just as Caro appeared at Nina’s elbow. “Timothy,” she said. “Come with me. Now.”

As she led him down the hallway, Nina turned around and walked back into the ballroom. The guests were silently watching her. She plastered a smile on her face. “Well, that was quite a show!” she said. “When you tell your friends about it, please don’t forget to mention what a lovely dress I was wearing.”

A few people laughed, and then a few more, and then conversation started up again. Rafael turned to Nina. “I wasn’t expecting that tonight,” he said.

“Me neither,” Nina replied. “I really am sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for him,” Rafael told her. Then he leaned a little closer and whispered, “And he’s not wrong. I can’t take my eyes off you.” Nina blushed again, and Rafael smiled. “I’d still love the rest of your thoughts on my new stump speech,” he said.

“I . . . I don’t know,” Nina said.

Rafael nodded. “It’s okay. I understand. Thank you again . . . for tonight, I mean.”

After he left the ballroom, Nina did, too. She needed to find Tim. And Caro. After asking a few people on the staff, she located them both in the bridal suite, where Tim was sitting silently with a cup of coffee in front of him.

“He won’t talk to me,” Caro said when Nina walked in. “I don’t know what’s going on with him, or you, or you and Rafael, but whatever it is, Nina, this isn’t acceptable. This is not how we do things around here. Not in this family.”

Nina felt tears spring to her eyes. Now that she didn’t have to pretend anymore, the weight of the whole night, the whole weekend, the whole last month, crushed down on her. “I know,” she whispered.

“Can I leave you to figure this out?” Caro sighed.

Nina nodded, and the two women embraced. “I love you both,” Caro said.

“I love you, too,” Nina answered.

Tim didn’t respond, and Caro walked out the door.

Nina looked at Tim.

Tim looked at Nina.

“What the hell were you doing?” Nina said, on the verge of losing her temper, her fists clenched, her voice shaking. Her first fund-raiser without her father. Her fund-raiser for Rafael. “Did you really think that was going to make things better? Seriously, Tim. You screwed up the whole night.”

Nina braced herself for a fight, but Tim’s face crumpled. He started to cry drunken tears, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

And as angry as she was, Nina’s heart broke for him. For the pain she knew he must be in to act the way he had. She walked to him and opened her arms. He fell against her and then she cried, too, for all she would lose when their relationship ended. Because she knew now it had to.

61

The next morning, after Tim had taken some Advil and a shower and drunk a cup and a half of coffee, Nina walked into her kitchen and sat down next to him. She’d contemplated asking him to sleep at his place last night, but she had been worried about him. He needed someone. He needed her. So they slept in the same bed one last time.

But now the night was over. And everything was clearer in the harsh light of day. She opened her hand and the engagement ring he’d given her was inside. He looked up at her.

“I really am sorry about last night,” he said. His voice was ragged.

“It’s not just last night,” Nina said. “I wanted us to work. I really did. But we don’t anymore.”

Nina knew she was losing the children she’d imagined having with him. She was losing the life she’d expected. And she was probably losing Caro, too. Be careful, Caro had said last night.

Tim took the ring from Nina’s hand.

“I don’t have the energy for this now, Nina.”

She looked at him. His eyes were tired, his face pale.

“I don’t have the energy to keep pretending,” she said. “I can’t be your fiancée anymore.”

He took a deep breath in, like he’d been slapped, and then slid the ring on the tip of his pinky. It stopped at his first knuckle.

“If you can’t be my fiancée,” he said. “Then . . . I can’t . . . I don’t want to be the friend watching from the sidelines, Nina. I think it would kill me to see you with someone else.”

Nina ran her fingers along the rim of her coffee mug. She couldn’t look at him.

“If we say good-bye now,” Tim continued, “you shouldn’t call me for a while. If I’m not your fiancé, I can’t be your friend. Not for a long time.”

Nina couldn’t imagine her life without Tim in it. She wanted to argue. She wanted to explain why that was ridiculous. Spiteful even. That they were better as friends. And that he’d miss her, too. But she loved him, she truly did. And if she couldn’t give him the first thing he wanted, at least she could give him the second. She took a deep breath and let it out. “Okay,” she said. “If that’s what you want.”

Tim seemed surprised she didn’t fight it. He almost wavered; Nina could see it in his expression. But then: “It is,” he said, reaching into his pocket and putting her apartment keys on the table. “I’d like my keys back, too.”