Lexi flinches, and I know my words hurt her. I don’t like doin’ it, but she’s so stubborn I need to make her understand. “You had no right to butt into my life—”
“You don’t think I have the right to protect the woman I love? Who’s carrying my child?” I shake my head. “Lexi, we ain’t dancin’ around this situation anymore. You’ve held me at arm’s length ever since we met. I’ve wanted you to be mine ever since you smiled at me. Not just because you’re the mother of my child. Because I know you’re meant for me and I’m meant for you. I want to marry you. I want to grow old with you. I want to be the couple chasing away the neighborhood kids with our walkers when we’re old and gray. I want all of your mornings and your nights. I’ve known that since I met you. And I know you’re independent and you’re not wantin’ to tie me down. You tell me it’s because I’m younger than you, or you’re bad at relationships or something, but the truth is that you don’t want me in your life. You don’t want anyone. You keep everyone at arm’s length—”
“That’s not true,” she says quickly, interrupting me.
“It is true,” I say patiently. “Everything you say, everything you wear, it’s all designed to keep people away from you. You push everyone away. You push at me, you push at Natalie, you don’t want anyone to get attached to you.”
She glares at me and storms over to the door, where her shoes are next to the mat. “You’re so full of shit, Knox. You think you know so much about me, and you don’t know crap.”
“You think I’m wrong?” I challenge.
“Yeah, I do!”
“All right.” I cross my arms over my chest. “You didn’t tell Natalie about your stalker. She guessed. You didn’t tell me about him, either. And you didn’t tell Natalie about me and you until she walked in on us. This sure sounds like someone that’s sharin’ her life, doesn’t it?” When she has no response to that, I continue. “At what point are you gonna tell your best friend about the baby? When it’s here?”
She sucks in a breath. “Fuck you. I should have known you’d be all controlling like this the moment I let you be part of my life.”
“That’s just it,” I tell her, and there’s a dull ache in my chest where my heart should be. “I don’t think you had any intention of letting me be part of your life at all.”
Lexi glares at me, grabs her purse, and heads for the door of the trailer.
“Where are you goin’?” I ask.
“I’m leaving. I don’t have to stay and listen to this.”
She’s right. She doesn’t. That’s not what Lexi does. She keeps everyone at a safe distance and when she feels vulnerable, she runs away and starts over. “I’m going to wait right here for you,” I tell her.
Lexi glares at me from over her shoulder. “You fucking do that. I wouldn’t hold your breath if I were you, though.”
I ignore her angry words. “I’m going to be here waiting,” I repeat, and then continue. “Because you need to realize I’m always going to be here for you. That you come first in my life, no matter what. That I’m not going to betray you or control you like your parents or your first husband. I can love you without owning you. And once you realize that, I’ll be right here.”
She shoots me an angry look, flings her purse over her shoulder and storms out of my trailer.
I don’t go after her. I knew she’d leave. She needs to get away right now, because she’s upset and this is how she gets control back. She’s determined to cut me loose. She’ll come back eventually, I hope, and realize that I love her and don’t want to hurt her.
If she doesn’t come back . . . it’s because she’s never planned on letting me in. It’s fuckin’ killing me inside, but at the end of the day, if she doesn’t want to be mine, I can’t force her to stay.
No matter how much I might want to. No matter how much it destroys me.
Chapter 19
Lexi
I just drive. I’m not sure where I’m going. All I know is that I don’t want to be around Knox. Knox and his pushiness. Knox and his overbearing overprotective side.
Knox and his stupid smile and stupid sexy beard and stupid, stupid big hands that felt so good on my body—he just had to go and ruin things. I knew he was too good to be true. I knew that once I let him in close, he’d try to take control. He’d try to make me into someone I wasn’t, push for things I didn’t want.
Except, even as I accuse him of those things in my mind, I’m not sure they fit. They feel slightly wrong, even in my wild, scattered thoughts.
I drive down the highway, turning toward familiar territory. Not to Natalie’s house, but back to Luka. I don’t know why I’m heading there. It’s not like there’s anything left for me. I guess I’m going because it’s the one place I know Knox won’t want me to go, so I’m letting stubborn anger drive me there.
I just feel so . . . betrayed. After all the things Knox said about not pushing me, he went and poked his nose in. After I’d started to trust him. After I’d gotten comfortable being at his house, and spending time with him without wanting to run away, he does this, and now I feel like we’re set back to zero. I glare angrily at the highway as I drive, my hands clutching the steering wheel tight. Why couldn’t he have left it alone? Now Keith will never be out of my life, and Knox will think he has to stick his nose in.
He thinks we need to live together. He wants to get married.
And . . . okay. If I was going to marry anyone, it’d be him. But I already know marriage doesn’t work. It gives one person control over the other. It means giving up your independence.
But you were already staying at his trailer all the time, my brain whispers. Even it’s not fully on my side. Ugh. I’m just torn up emotionally. Worst of all, I keep thinking of Knox and the look on his face.
How he went stark white when I called him a bastard. Apparently I hit a nerve there, and instead of making me feel triumphant for finding his weak spot, I feel like the world’s biggest asshole. Like I went too far without even realizing it.
Even after all this, I’ve never wanted to hurt him. Never wanted to go for the jugular just to win a fight. I know about his family and how his parents weren’t married. I was just calling him a bastard because I was angry . . . but Knox took it very personally. I wish I could turn the car around and go tell him that I didn’t mean it. That I could rewind back to that conversation and call him a jerk or something that wouldn’t make him look as if I’d kicked him in the gut.
Then again, if we’re rewinding time, I’d go far enough back that I wouldn’t have reacted to the hint of Keith at the pharmacy like I did. That must have been what tipped Knox off—that I acted skittish and afraid. I don’t know how he found out about him, but once again, Keith has ruined my life.
I don’t know if I can really blame Keith, though. Maybe Knox has been controlling all along and I’ve just been too enamored of him to notice. This is why I’m bad with men. Because once I get emotionally attached, I can’t separate the good from the bad. Or maybe it’s the hormones.
Or maybe it’s that I’m in love with Knox and terrified of what that means for my life.
You don’t want anyone. You keep everyone at arm’s length.
It’s a lie. Isn’t it? I don’t even know. I let some people in, I reason. Like Natalie. Except . . . he’s right in that I kept things secret even from her. And I’ve never truly let anyone in and exposed everything I am to them. The thought is utterly terrifying. I guess some part of me is still waiting for the inevitable change of heart. The part where I open up and show them exactly who I am . . . and they decide it’s not enough.
Just like my family did back when I was a teenager.
My stomach cramps and I try to remember the last time I ate a meal, a real meal and not just garbage. I’m feeling a little nausea, but I don’t know if that’s from pregnancy, or driving, or just the fact that I feel like Knox betrayed me. It might be all those things. The highway around me is empty, but an exit sign advertises a truck stop waffle diner if I head south instead of east. I think for a moment and then I exit to head south when it comes up. East is Luka, but there’s nothing for me there. Might as well go south. Houston’s big. Plenty of opportunity. Plenty of space to hide in plain sight.
I pull up to the diner and head inside, sliding into one of the booths. The waitress raises a finger, indicating she’ll be with me shortly. That’s fine—I’m not in a hurry. I’m too busy wallowing in self-pity, hurt, and betrayal. Might as well eat my feelings. I pick up a sticky menu from behind the napkin dispenser and consider it.
“All right, honey, can I get you a drink?” the waitress says as she comes over to my table.
I really, really want coffee. But the awful way I’m feeling reminds me that I’m pregnant and I can’t just think about me. That means no coffee. “Milk, I think.”
She scratches a note on her pad. “Ready to order?”
“Pancakes,” I say, and then glance up at her. “Can I get a big side of pickles with that?”
She nods as if I’ve said the most reasonable thing in the world. “You know what else is good, honey? I can have the cook whip you up some hash browns made with a hint of sriracha and maple syrup. It’s really something. Right amount of sweet and spicy.”
I look up at her in surprise, because it’s like she’s read my mind.
She pats her stomach under her waitress apron. “Four months along with number four. I get the same weird cravings.”
“You are?”
“Yup, and I recognize a pregnancy craving when I hear one.” She smiles at me. “Sound good?”
My belly cramps again and I nod, putting aside the menu. “My parasite and I would love that.”