Reason to Breathe (Breathing 1)

“You cannot go to Evan’s when no one’s home,” Carol demanded. “If we hear otherwise, you won’t be allowed to see him anymore. And that means when you’re at Sara’s too.”

“He is not allowed to drive you home after school,” George added. “We don’t care if he drives you to school, but you can only drive with Sara or one of your other girlfriends in the afternoon.”

“And lastly,” Carol stated with a cutting grin, “if we find out that you are having sex, you will not be allowed to take a step out of this house until you graduate, except to go to school.”

I remained motionless while her threat turned over in my head.

“Why are you looking at us like that?” she griped. “Are we not making ourselves clear?”

“I don’t understand why you’d assume I’d have sex with him,” I replied, my voice sounding more accusatory than defensive. “You know nothing about me, do you?”

“We know enough,” Carol bit. “We know you are naïve and can easily be taken advantage of. Don’t think for a second he cares about you. He’s just like every other guy who only wants one thing.”

“You don’t know anything about him either,” I shot back, my voice growing stronger.

Carol raised her eyebrows at my reaction, while George’s face tensed.

“Maybe we should reconsider whether you’re ready to date at all,” Carol threatened. My heart stopped. “Is there something we should know? Are you already having sex?”

“No,” I answered quickly as the panicked heat crept up my neck.

“Then this conversation is over,” George finally interceded. “You know how we feel, and that’s it.”

37. Gifts

I followed their rules for the next two weeks. Not because I wanted to, because it’s just how it ended up. Evan and I didn’t go to his house the following Sunday, we went to the sports complex where he talked me into the driving range instead of the batting cages. I concluded in frustration never to do it again.

I spent time in Art and part of study period preparing his birthday gift. Ms. Mier didn’t know exactly what it was for but was encouraging as I completed each page. I had a feeling she knew more than she admitted, but then again, she always did.

When it was finally finished, I let Sara look it over to make sure I hadn’t stepped over any lines that would make it too… much. She understood its entire content since I told her everything, so it was unnerving to watch her reaction as she scanned each page. She smiled at the end and shocked me by giving me a hug.

“Em, it’s perfect.”

“Really?”

“Definitely - he’s going to love it.”

“Then why do I feel like I’m going to throw up at the thought of giving it to him?”

“Because it’s so personal and thoughtful. He has to love it.”

I hoped she was right.

My stomach was in my throat the entire ride to school on Friday. I nervously wrung my hands in my lap. Evan finally said something when we arrived at school.

“What’s going on?” He turned to face me after shutting the car off.

I took a quick breath. “I didn’t know when was the best time to do this, so I’m just going to do it now.” I reached into my backpack and pulled out the flat, wrapped square. “Happy birthday.”

Evan produced an uncomfortable grin. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to open it now,” I blurted when he started to unwrap the gift. “You can look at it later, when you’re by yourself.”

He eyed me suspiciously and opened it anyway.

“Evan, really, you don’t have to look at it now.” Maybe I was going to throw up.

“Did you make this?”

I bit my lip and nodded.

To my horror, Evan started turning the pages of the ribbon bound collection of art. A smile crept onto his face. I held my breath, watching his bright eyes take in each moment captured by the stroke of my brush.

He turned to the page with the image of Sara’s scarf and remarked, “I still have this, don’t I?” He hesitated at the page with the blue hand print, smiling wider, which sent a warm chill through me. I took in his soft expression while he scanned the lyrics I transcribed from one of the songs he downloaded on my iPod, and he shook his head with a smile at the Jacobs’ exquisite chandelier. Evan ran his fingers along the brook in the meadow, and he let out a light laugh remembering the cityscape from atop the apartment building in New York. His cheeks flushed at the sight of the pink roses on the last page, and he slowly closed the book with a deep breath.

“This is everything, huh?” he questioned, taking a hold of my hand.

“Only the good stuff,” I corrected, my fiery cheeks now crimson.

“This is amazing. Thank you.” He leaned over and found me waiting for him. My head was swirling already from not being able to breathe, but with the touch of his lips, the sensation escalated, a rush of flitters in my chest. He left me needing a minute to float back down before stepping out of the car.

Evan met me on the other side of the car and wrapped me tightly in his arms. My heart still hadn’t recovered from the kiss and continued to falter when I looked up into his steel blue eyes.

“That is the best gift I’ve ever received,” he grinned. He kissed me again, but with a little more restraint.

“Oh,” I sighed when he finally released me. “I’m glad you like it.”

“That was hard for you, wasn’t it?” Evan noted, holding my hand as we walked into school. I hesitated, unsure of what he meant. “Having me look at it with you right there.”

“You have no idea,” I confessed. He smiled at my honesty.

“So tomorrow night’s my turn,” he declared with a slight squeeze of my hand, leaving me perplexed as he disappeared down the hall.

Evan wouldn’t explain what he meant when I asked later that day. But, he did want me to wear his favorite pink sweater, which I agreed to do with a shrug – it was his birthday. He continued to avoid telling me what he meant by his statement, making me nervous. It made Sara giddy. She came up with a thousand reasons he was being so mysterious, but none of them were even close to what he actually planned.

“We’re having dinner at your house?” I questioned in confusion when we pulled in his driveway. Evan grinned.

“Close your eyes,” he requested.

“What?! Why?” I demanded in a rush. “Evan, what did you do? This is supposed to be your birthday, right?”

“Yes,” he replied with a quick smile, “and this is what I wanted to do for my birthday. Close your eyes.”

I swallowed the anxiousness and obeyed. Evan helped me out of the car and wrapped a silky fabric around my eyes.

“Are you serious?”

“I know you’ll peek before you’re supposed to.”

“Evan, I have heels on; I’m going to kill myself.”

“No you won’t.” He swept his arm under my knees, and I fell back, cradled in his arms. I yelled out in surprise and wrapped my arms firmly around his neck.

“That was not necessary,” I scolded.

“Don’t want you to kill yourself,” he remarked, a smile in his voice.

I heard his feet crunching along the gravel that led to the barn and then the squeak of a door. I recognized the scents of the garage as he continued up the stairs. He pushed the door open and effortlessly lowered me onto my feet. I was afraid to open my eyes after he untied the fabric.

When I did, my mouth dropped open. The entire room was shimmering in a soft glow, with lines of candles on every surface. The couch was pushed toward the wall to allow room for a small table in the center of the floor, adorned with candlesticks and set for two. I recognized the soft whispery female voice floating through the speakers.

“Is this from my playlist?” I questioned.

“I told you it set a mood,” Evan smirked, then examined me intently and asked, “So, how’d I do?”

“It’s beautiful,” I breathed. He stood behind me with his arms around my waist, bending to kiss the top of my shoulder.

Evan escorted me to the table and pulled out a chair for me. Even though I knew it was part of who he was, the chivalry still felt awkward. I smiled nervously as he sat across from me, a colorful salad in front of us.

“Is this weird for you?” he asked, observing my fidgeting.

“No,” I answered reluctantly. “I’m trying to get over that you thought to do this.”

“Thanks,” he replied sarcastically. “You didn’t think I had this in me?”

“It’s not that,” I corrected. “It’s your birthday, so it doesn’t feel quite right.”

“This is exactly what I wanted to do for my birthday. So, relax, okay?”

“Okay,” I breathed, searching for the appetite to eat the berries and greens before me.

“We are going to the prom together, right?” he confirmed. “I know I didn’t officially ask you. Actually, I think my mother did.”

I laughed. “Yes, Evan, I will go to the prom with you.”

“Please don’t tell me that you’re going to go shopping with her,” he begged.

“I could never afford any place she’d take me.”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure she wants to buy the dress.” My eyes widened in surprise. He added, “It would just be too strange having you and my mother alone together. I know she’d tell you things that would freak me out.”

“Really?” I teased. “Maybe we should go shopping together.” Evan shook his head as I laughed at the idea of bonding with Vivian.

After I got over the initial shock of the romantic setting and recognized that it was only Evan and I, everything felt comfortable again. We talked casually and laughed easily. It was perfect. I’d almost forgotten that we were sitting in the barn. The flickering light transformed the room, hiding the games and tables in the shadows. I was soothed by the candles and the music - lost in the soft light flickering in Evan’s eyes. But, the anxiety returned when Evan set down a small blue box in front of me, instead of the dessert I was expecting.

I couldn’t find my voice or even breathe. He smiled at me from across the table, watching me struggle for words.

“Don’t say anything,” he insisted. “This is what I wanted to do.”

I stared at him, unable to bring myself to open the box.

“You have to open it,” he pleaded. I looked nervously between him and the box. “Please open it. You’re killing me.”

I took a quick breath and slid the top off the box. I looked up at Evan with wide eyes, still unable to speak.

“I thought you should have one of your own to go with the sweater,” he explained. “You like it, right?”

“Yes,” I breathed, too overwhelmed to touch the sparkling rock inside the box. Evan stood behind me and removed it from the velvet to place it around my neck. I gently caressed it with my shaking finger tips as it lay against my skin.