Before Now (Sometimes Never 2)

Lucy’s tucked into the far corner of the couch and doing a great job of keeping her eyes away from me. Beside her, Hope is perched between Mason’s legs.

I glower in their direction. Mason fucking Patel has the balls to come up in my apartment. I laugh. I can’t help it. There’s nothing funny about this situation, but I can’t stop fucking laughing. It’s so ludicrous and I’m drunk as shit. It feels like I’m dreaming.

I pull Erika into my lap, wearing her like a shield. I don’t even know what I’m doing right now. The fact that Lucy still hasn’t looked my way speaks volumes as to the shit this sandwich is made from. But I can’t stop eating it no matter how much I might want to. I’m not in control anymore. Right now I’m ruled by this storm of jealousy and some other emotions I can’t identify. And they’re all amplified by alcohol.

So I’m not to blame when the words come out of my mouth.

“Well, isn’t this a cozy, fucked up party.” I look around the room again ignoring the couple of guys I don’t know, and stopping on Bree and Jessie. Guy moves to my side and I breathe out silent laughter. “You know, Bree, I think you’re the only girl in this room who hasn’t seen my dick.”

23

Lucy

I whip my head in Park’s direction. My face ignites and my mouth drops open. Did he seriously say what I think he said? His gaze locks on me and he smirks. I feel tears burn my eyes. How could he announce that to the whole room? Especially when he has a girl on his lap. And then I realize what he said. I look at her. At the girl he just admitted to having sex with in not so many words.

I feel someone touch my arm and I tear my eyes away. Hope shakes her head once.

Bree laughs uncomfortably. “Well, I don’t think I’m the only one, but I’m sure nobody really wants to get into that.” She shoots him a murderous look and he leans his head against the back of the chair as if it’s too difficult to hold up any longer.

“Did you fucking get with my cousin?” Jess hisses. “What the fuck?”

Park shrugs carelessly and I clench my jaw as Bree leans into Jessie, whispering in his ear.

“Has anybody been able to get a hold of Chase?” Guy asks. His voice is louder than it needs to be since the room’s fallen silent. He’s clearly trying to change the subject.

“Yeah,” Hope chimes in. “He’s picking up Annie and they’ll be over.”

“Oh, yay,” Park barks. “The whole gang back together.” He lifts his head and grins at Hope’s boyfriend, Mason. “Except you. You aren’t part of the old gang.”

Mason’s brow arches and a dimple shows in his cheek. “No, I’m part of the upgraded version.”

“Upgraded,” Park muses. “Buyer beware.”

“I haven’t heard any complaints,” Mason retorts, his arms tightening around Hope’s waist.

“Is hippie spelled with a y or an ie?” Hope asks suddenly. I wonder how many times these people will attempt to steer the conversation away from Park’s drunken remarks.

Guy settles on the floor beside Park’s chair, crossing his legs at the ankle, and leaning back on his elbows. “Why?”

“I’m putting Lucy in my phone as Hippie Chick,” she says, tapping on her cell.

Park mumbles a comment too low for any of us to hear and I clear my throat. “I think either spelling is acceptable.”

She smiles at me before typing it in. “I’m making your ringtone Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” she says, her head tipped down at her phone, but her eyes cast sideways toward Park. He makes a strangled sound deep within his throat. Everyone is staring and I get the impression that Hope’s messing with him.

When the song plays from her phone, Park shoves the girl off his lap, and jumps out of the chair. He rips Hope’s cell phone out of her hands, pressing a button to silence the music. “No Beatles songs,” he rasps.

“She’s not me,” Hope whispers.

Park’s face contorts into something in between rage and agonizing pain. His eyes flick to me and then away quickly before he storms across the room. He stops in front of the girl he brought home. “You need to go. Call your boyfriend.” And then he leaves, slamming the door behind him.

***

I wake up to the sound of shouting. A girl screams and I scramble out of bed, stumbling to the window. Three guys are in the parking lot, a girl standing off to the side. She keeps screaming, shaking her head back and forth. I look back to the guys and notice a fourth person on the ground in front of them.

It takes my groggy brain a couple of seconds to make sense of what I’m seeing and then I’m climbing onto the firs escape, yelling for Bree to get Jessie. I have no idea if she hears me or not, I don’t even know if she’s home, but I keep going. The guys look up at me and take off. One of them pulls the girl into a car and they peel out, tires squealing.

My legs are shaking by the time I drop to my knees next to Park. He’s lying limply on his side and I’m afraid to move him.

“Park.” My hand hovers over his shoulder. Fear grips my insides, squeezing them until I feel like I can’t breathe. “Park,” I say again, panic sounding in my voice.

He groans and it sounds wet, like his mouth is full of water. I roll him toward me and gasp. His face is a multitude of colors, the deep red of blood standing out above all others. “Oh, my God,” I murmur. My hands flutter around his head. I don’t know what to do. I look around quickly for something. Someone. Anyone.

“I’ll be back,” I pant. “I need to get help.”

Park coughs, rolling to his side again. He makes a gurgling sound and I run. I push myself up the fire escape and pound on Jessie’s window before pushing it open. The room’s empty, so I crawl inside.

“Jessie,” I scream.

As I make it to the door, I’m met by Jessie and Guy. “What’s wrong?”

“Park.” It’s all I can get out before I’m turning and rushing back to the window.

“What happened?” Guy asks behind me.

“Three guys. They beat the shit out of him.”

“Shit,” he breathes. “Get Chase and Mason,” he instructs Jessie. I don’t hear if he acknowledges him because I’m barreling down the metal stairs. My feet clank along the steps covering all other sound.

Guy skids to a stop and kneels next to Park. His fingers go to his neck, checking for a pulse and I feel like I might throw up. He lets out a visible sigh. Jessie, Chase, and Mason jog over to us. I stoop to the other side of Park and look at Guy. “We should take him to the hospital.”

“No,” Park grunts. He goes into another coughing fit and I take his hand.

“You have to,” I protest. “You could have internal injuries. You’re coughing up blood.”

“Call,” Guy says. I don’t know who he’s talking to, but I hear Mason requesting an ambulance seconds later.

Park’s head lolls to the side and I start to have a meltdown. I think he’s lost consciousness, but I’m not sure and it scares me. “Check his pulse again,” I yell at Guy.

“Lulu,” Bree says from behind me. I don’t respond. I can’t look away from Guy’s fingers as he touches them to Park’s throat again.

“He just passed out,” he says, his eyes closing in relief.

“Did you see it happen?” Chase asks. It takes a moment for me to realize he’s talking to me.

I shake my head. “I just heard yelling. Didn’t you guys hear it?”

“We had music on,” Jessie says, his voice cracking with remorse. “We were talking. Laughing.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “We didn’t hear anything except you screaming.”

“There were three of them,” I explain. “I didn’t see what they did to him. I just saw…him on the ground. And that girl, the one he came home with earlier, she was there. She was screaming at them.”

We can hear the sirens coming down the street and Bree takes my hand. “Come on, Lu. You need to get out of their way so they can help him.” I reluctantly release Park’s fingers and let Bree pull me back. My legs won’t stop shaking.

“He’ll be okay,” she says firmly. The flashing lights cast odd shadows across her face. I nod as I watch two paramedics approach.

Guy starts answering their questions immediately. All I can do is stand there and watch as they secure his head and get him on the gurney.

“Only one can ride with him,” the younger paramedic says.

“I’ll go,” Guy says.

“What hospital?” Chase asks? “We’ll be right behind you.”

I realize I’m in sleep shorts. I’m shoeless and I’m not even wearing a bra. “Don’t leave without me,” I tell Bree before I run back to the apartment to change. I don’t care what happened tonight. I care about Park. I need to be there. I need to know he’s going to be okay.

24

Park

I’m heavy, but I’m floating. Maybe I’m weightless. Maybe I’m sinking.

My eyes won’t open. They’re pinned with the weight of my confusion. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m sleeping.

“…don’t know what to think.”

I try to open my eyes. All I see is darkness. My ears are buzzing. There’s a continuous beeping that’s driving me insane.

“He can be an idiot, but he’s a good person.”

Is that Hope?

I must be dreaming.

“Is he?” That’s Lucy. I try to open my eyelids again. I put everything I have into it, but they weigh a thousand pounds and I’m so exhausted. Maybe I’ll just sleep.

“I haven’t been around in a while,” Hope says. She sounds weird. Stressed. “I wasn’t here to see him change. I’ve just heard the stories and I don’t put much stock in other people’s accounts. I mean, he’s always been an asshole, that’s just who he is. But he had this sweet side that he didn’t show a lot of people. If he’s changed…that’s my fault.”

“Why?” Lucy asks. I know it’s her voice, but it’s off. I want to wake up now. I don’t like where this conversation is going. I don’t like how Lucy said that one word. She sounds upset and it makes me feel strange.

It’s quiet while I struggle to move. I just want to open my fucking eyes.

“I loved him,” Hope finally says. “I’ll always love him. But sometimes I wonder if I used Park.”

Lucy makes a noise that sounds like disapproval.

“I know. It’s messed up, but it’s not like I meant to do it. He was just there. Always there. He knew things about me that I couldn’t talk to anybody else about. Even Guy. And I counted on him for that. He was my friend that shared my secret.”

“You hurt him,” Lucy says. Her voice is soft. It’s not a question. It’s not an accusation. It just is.

“I never meant to. He was a crutch that I didn’t know I was leaning on. I put so much on him and I never meant to. But I tried to tell him. I started to realize that maybe he felt stronger than I did. I tried to make it clear that we weren’t—that he wasn’t my boyfriend. That I didn’t want a boyfriend. I said it all the time. Maybe too much. And then I met Mason and the connection was so…different.”

“So you dropped him for Mason.”

I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. I’m definitely sinking. I think I’m dying. I want to die. I want it to stop.

I just want to fucking wake up.

“When other people say it, it sounds bad,” Hope whispers.

“It’s not bad. You can’t help who you love…” Lucy trails off and there’s another stretch of silence.