Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Philip, who was called the new guy, asked that we go to Cana by way of Bethany, as he had a friend there that he wanted to recruit to follow along with us. "I tried to get him to join with John the Baptist," Philip said, "but he wouldn't stand for the eating-locusts, living-in-pits thing. Anyway, he's from Cana, I'm sure he'd love to have a visit home."

As we came into the square of Bethany, Philip called out to a blond kid who was sitting under a fig tree. He was the same yellow-haired kid that Joshua and I had seen when we first passed through Bethany over a year ago.

"Hey, Nathaniel," Philip called. "Come join me and my friends on the way to Cana. They're from Nazareth. Joshua here might be the Messiah."

"Might be?" I said.

Nathaniel walked out into the street to look at us, shading his eyes against the sun. He couldn't have been more than sixteen or seventeen. He barely had the fuzz of a beard on his chin. "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" he said.

"Joshua, Biff, Bartholomew," Philip said, "this is my friend Nathaniel."

"I know you," Joshua said. "I saw you when we last passed through here."

Then, inexplicably, Nathaniel fell to his knees in front of Joshua's camel and said, "You are truly the Messiah and the Son of God."

Joshua looked at me, then at Philip, then at the kid, prostrating himself on camel's feet. "Because I've seen you before you believe that I'm the Messiah, even though a minute ago nothing good could come out of Nazareth?"

"Sure, why not?" said Nathaniel.

And Josh looked at me again, as if I could explain it. Meanwhile Bartholomew, who was on foot along with his pack of doggie followers (whom he had disturbingly begun to refer to as his "disciples"), went over to Nathaniel and helped the boy to his feet. "Stand up, if you're coming with us."

Nathaniel prostrated himself before Bartholomew now. "You are truly the Messiah and the Son of God."

"No, I'm not," Bart said, lifting the kid to his feet. "He is." Bart pointed to Joshua. Nathaniel looked to me, for some reason, for confirmation.

"You are truly a babe in the woods," I said to Nathaniel. "You don't gamble, do you?"

"Biff!" Joshua said. He shook his head and I shrugged. To Nathaniel he said, "You're welcome to join us. We share the camels, our food, and what little money we have." Here Joshua nodded toward Philip, who had been nominated to carry the communal purse because he was good at math.

"Thanks," said Nathaniel, and he fell in behind us.

And thus we became five.

"Josh," I said in a harsh whisper, "that kid is as dumb as a stick."

"He's not dumb, Biff, he just has a talent for belief."

"Fine," I said, turning to Philip. "Don't let the kid anywhere near the money."

As we headed out of the square toward the Mount of Olives, Abel and Crustus, the two old blind guys who'd helped me over Maggie's wall, called out from the gutter. (I'd learned their names after correcting their little gender mistake.)

"Oh son of David, have mercy on us!"

Joshua pulled up on the reins of his camel. "What makes you call me that?"

"You are Joshua of Nazareth, the young preacher who was studying under John?"

"Yes, I am Joshua."

"We heard the Lord say that you were his son with whom he was well pleased."

"You heard that?"

"Yes. About five or six weeks ago. Right out of the sky."

"Dammit, did everyone hear but me?"

"Have mercy on us, Joshua," said one blind guy.

"Yeah, mercy," said the other.

Then Joshua climbed down from his camel, laid his hands upon the old men's eyes, and said, "You have faith in the Lord, and you have heard, as evidently everyone in Judea has, that I am his son with whom he is well pleased." Then he pulled his hands from their faces and the old men looked around.

"Tell me what you see," Joshua said.

The old guys sort of looked around, saying nothing.

"So, tell me what you see."

The blind men looked at each other.

"Something wrong?" Joshua asked. "You can see, can't you?"

"Well, yeah," said Abel, "but I thought there'd be more color."

"Yeah," said Crustus, "it's kind of dull."

I stepped up. "You're on the edge of the Judean desert, one of the most lifeless, desolate, hostile places on earth, what did you expect?"

"I don't know." Crustus shrugged. "More."

"Yeah, more," said Abel. "What color is that?"

"That's brown."

"How about that one?"

"That would be brown as well."

"That color over there? Right there?"

"Brown."

"You're sure that's not mauve."

"Nope, brown."

"And - "

"Brown," I said.

The two former blind guys shrugged and walked off mumbling to each other.

"Excellent healing," said Nathaniel.

"I for one have never seen a better healing," said Philip, "but then, I'm new."

Joshua rode off shaking his head.

When we came into Cana we were broke and hungry and more than ready for a feast, at least most of us were. Joshua didn't know about the feast. The wedding was being held in the courtyard of a very large house. We could hear the drums and singers and smell spiced meat cooking as we approached the gates. It was a large wedding and a couple of kids were waiting outside to tend to our camels. They were curly haired, wiry little guys about ten years old; they reminded me of evil versions of Josh and me at that age.

"Sounds like a wedding going on," Joshua said.

"Park your camel, sir?" said the camel-parking kid.

"It is a wedding," said Bart. "I thought we were here to help Maggie."

"Park your camel, sir?" said the other kid, pulling on the reins of my camel.

Joshua looked at me. "Where is Maggie? You said she was sick?"

"She's in the wedding," I said, pulling the reins back from the kid.

"You said she was dying."

"Well, we all are, aren't we? I mean, if you think about it." I grinned.

"You can't park that camel here, sir."

"Look, kid, I don't have any money to tip you. Go away." I hate handing my camel over to the camel-parking kids. It unnerves me. I'm always sure that I'm never going to see it again, or it's going to come back with a tooth missing or an eye poked out.

"So Maggie isn't really dying?"

"Hey, guys," Maggie said, stepping out of the gate.

"Maggie," Joshua said, throwing his arms up in surprise. Problem was, he was so intent on looking at her that he forgot to grab on again, and off the camel he went. He hit the ground facedown with a thump and a wheeze. I jumped down from my camel, Bart's dogs barked, Maggie ran to Josh, rolled him over, and cradled his head in her lap while he tried to get his breath back. Philip and Nathaniel waved to people from the wedding who were peeping through the gate to see what all the commotion was about. Before I had a chance to turn, the two kids had leapt up onto our camels and were galloping around the corner off to Nod, or South Dakota, or some other place I didn't know the location of.

"Maggie," Joshua said. "You're not sick."

"That depends," she said, "if there's any chance of a laying on of hands."

Joshua smiled and blushed. "I missed you."

"Me too," Maggie said. She kissed Joshua on the lips and held him there until I started to squirm and the other disciples started to clear their throats and bark "get a room" under their breaths.

Maggie stood up and helped Joshua to his feet. "Come on in, guys," she said. "No dogs," she said to Bart, and the hulking Cynic shrugged and sat down in the street amid his canine disciples.

I was craning my neck to see if I could see where our camels had been taken. "They're going to run those camels into the ground, and I know they won't feed or water them."

"Who?" asked Maggie.

"Those camel-parking boys."

"Biff, this is my youngest brother's wedding. He couldn't even afford wine. He didn't hire any camel-parking boys."

Bartholomew stood and rallied his troops. "I'll find them." He lumbered off.

Inside we feasted on beef and mutton, all manner of fruits and vegetables, bean and nut pastes, cheese and first-pressed olive oil with bread. There was singing and dancing and if it hadn't been for a few old guys in the corner looking very cranky, you'd never have known that there wasn't any wine at the party. When our people danced, they danced in large groups, lines and circles, not couples. There were men's dances and women's dances and very few dances where both could participate, which is why people were staring at Joshua and Maggie as they danced. They were definitely dancing together.

I retreated to a corner where I saw Maggie's sister Martha watching as she nibbled at some bread with goat cheese. She was twenty-five, a shorter, sturdier version of Maggie, with the same auburn hair and blue eyes, but with less tendency to laugh. Her husband had divorced her for "grievous skankage" and now she lived with her older brother Simon in Bethany. I'd gotten to know her when we were little and she took messages to Maggie for me. She offered me a bite of her bread and cheese and I took it.

"She's going to get herself stoned," Martha said in a slightly bitter, moderately jealous, younger sister tone. "Jakan is a member of the Sanhedrin."

"Is he still a bully?"

"Worse, now he's a bully with power. He'd have her stoned, just to prove that he could do it."

"For dancing? Not even the Pharisees - "

"If anyone saw her kiss Joshua, then..."

"So how are you?" I said, changing the subject.

"I'm living with my brother Simon now."

"I heard."

"He's a leper."

"Look, there's Joshua's mother. I have to go say hello."

"There's no wine at this wedding," Mary said.

"I know. Strange, isn't it?"

James stood by scowling as I hugged his mother.

"Joshua is here too?"

"Yes."

"Oh good, I was afraid that you two might have been arrested along with John."

"Pardon me?" I stepped back and looked to James for explanation. He seemed the more appropriate bearer of bad news.

"You hadn't heard? Herod has thrown John in prison for inciting people to revolt. That's the excuse anyway. It's Herod's wife who wanted John silenced. She was tired of having John's followers refer to her as 'the slut.'"

I patted Mary's shoulder as I stepped away. "I'll tell Joshua that you're here."

I found Joshua sitting in a far corner of the courtyard playing with some children. One little girl had brought her pet rabbit to the wedding and Joshua was holding it in his lap, petting its ears.

"Biff, come feel how soft this bunny is."

"Joshua, John has been arrested."

Josh slowly handed the bunny back to the little girl and stood. "When?"

"I'm not sure. Shortly after we left, I guess."

"I shouldn't have left him. I didn't even tell him we were leaving."

"It was bound to happen, Joshua. I told him to lay off Herod, but he wouldn't listen. You couldn't have done anything."

"I'm the Son of God, I could have done something."

"Yeah, you could have gone to prison with him. Your mother is here. Go talk to her. She's the one that told me."

As Joshua embraced Mary, she said, "You've got to do something about this wine situation. Where's the wine?"

James tapped Joshua on the shoulder. "Didn't bring any wine with you from the lush vineyards of Jericho?" (I didn't like hearing sarcasm being used by James against Joshua. I had always thought of my invention as being used for good, or at least against people I didn't like.)

Joshua gently pushed his mother away. "You shall have wine," he said, then he went off to the side of the house where drinking water was stored in large stone jars. In a few minutes he returned with a pitcher of wine and cups for all of us. A shout went through the party and suddenly everything seemed to step up a level. Pitchers and cups were filled and drained and filled again, and those who had been near the wine jars started declaring a miracle had been performed, that Joshua of Nazareth had turned water into wine. I looked for him, but he was nowhere to be found. Having been free of sin all of his life, Joshua wasn't very good at dealing with guilt, so he had gone off by himself to try to numb the guilt he felt over John's arrest.

After a few hours of subterfuge and guile, I was able to get Maggie to sneak out the back gate with me.

"Maggie, come with us. You talked to Joshua. You saw the wine. He's the one."

"I've always known he was the one, but I can't come with you. I'm married."

"I thought you were going to be a fisherman."

"And I thought you were going to be a village idiot."

"I'm still looking for a village. Look, get Jakan to divorce you."

"Anything he can divorce me for he can also kill me for. I've seen him pass judgment on people, Biff. I've seen him lead the mobs to the stonings. I'm afraid of him."

"I learned to make poisons in the East." I raised my eyebrows and grinned. "Huh?"

"I'm not going to poison my husband."

I sighed, an exasperated sigh that I'd learned from my mother. "Then leave him and come away with us, far from Jerusalem where he can't reach you. He'll have to divorce you to save face."

"Why should I leave, Biff? So I can follow around a man who doesn't want me and wouldn't take me if he did?"

I didn't know what to say, I felt like knives were twisting in fresh wounds in my chest. I looked at my sandals and pretended to have something caught in my throat.

Maggie stepped up, put her arms around me, and laid her head against my chest. "I'm sorry," she said.

"I know."

"I missed both of you, but I missed just you too."

"I know."

"I'm not going to sleep with you."

"I know."

"Then please stop rubbing that against me."

"Sure," I said.

Just then Joshua stumbled through the gate and crashed into us. We were able to catch ourselves and him before anyone fell. The Messiah was holding the little girl's pet bunny, hugging it to his cheek with the big back feet swinging free. He was gloriously drunk. "Know what?" Josh said. "I love bunnies. They toil not, neither do they bark. Henceforth and from now on, I decree that whenever something bad happens to me, there shall be bunnies around. So it shall be written. Go ahead Biff, write it down." He waved to me under the bunny, then turned and started back through the gate. "Where's the friggin' wine? I got a dry bunny over here!"

"See," I said to Maggie, "you don't want to miss out on that. Bunnies!"

She laughed. My favorite music.

"I'll get word to you," she said. "Where will you be?"

"I have no idea."

"I'll get word to you."

It was midnight. The party had wound down and the disciples and I were sitting in the street outside of the house. Joshua had passed out and Bartholomew had put a small dog under his head for a pillow. Before he had left, James had made it abundantly clear that we weren't welcome in Nazareth.

"Well?" said Philip. "I guess we can't go back to John."

"I'm sorry I didn't find the camels," Bartholomew said.

"People teased me about my yellow hair," said Nathaniel.

"I thought you were from Cana," I said. "Don't you have family we can stay with?"

"Plague," said Nathaniel.

"Plague," we all said, nodding. It happens.

"You'll probably be needing these," came a voice out of the darkness. We all looked up to see a short but powerfully built man walking out of the darkness, leading our camels.

"The camels," said Nathaniel.

"My apologies," said the man, "my brother's sons brought them home to us in Capernaum. I'm sorry it's taken so long to get them back to you."

I stood and he handed the camel's reins to me. "They've been fed and watered." He pointed to Joshua, who was snoring away on his terrier. "Does he always drink like that?"

"Only when a major prophet has been imprisoned."

The man nodded. "I heard what he did with the wine. They say he also healed a lame man in Cana this afternoon. Is that true?"

We all nodded.

"If you have no place to stay, you can come home with me to Capernaum for a day or two. We owe you at least that for taking your camels."

"We don't have any money," I said.

"Then you'll feel right at home," said the man. "My name is Andrew."

And so we became six.

***