A Dirty Job (Grim Reaper 1)

"I meant Charlie. " Stephan winked, despite her harsh tone.

"Oh, he's Charlie. "

"How's the baby?"

"Evidently she leaks noxious substances. " Lily waved the Magic Marker under her nose as if it might mask the smell of ripened baby.

"All good, then," Stephan smiled. "That's it for today. You got anything for me?"

"I took in some red vinyl platforms yesterday. Men's size ten. "

Stephan collected vintage seventies pimp wear. Lily was to be on the lookout for anything that came through the shop.

"How tall?"

"Four inches. "

"Low altitude," Stephan said, as if that explained everything. "Take care, Darque. "

Lily waved her Magic Marker at him as he left, and started sorting through the mail. There were mostly bills, a couple of flyers, but one thick black envelope that felt like a book or catalog. It was addressed to Charlie Asher "in care of" Asher's Secondhand and had a postmark from Night's Plutonian Shore, which evidently was in whatever state started with a U. (Lily found geography not only mind-numbingly boring, but also, in the age of the Internet, irrelevant. )

Was it not addressed to the care of Asher's Secondhand? Lily reasoned. And was she, Lily Darquewillow Elventhing, not manning the counter, the sole employee - nay - the de facto manager, of said secondhand store? And wasn't it her right - nay - her responsibility to open this envelope and spare Charlie the irritation of the task? Onward, Elventhing! Your destiny is set, and if it be not destiny, then surely there is plausible deniability, which in the parlance of politics is the same thing.

She drew a jewel-encrusted dagger from under the counter (the stones valued at over seventy-three cents) and slit the envelope, pulled out the book, and fell in love.

The cover was shiny, like a children's picture book, wi

th a colorful illustration of a grinning skeleton with tiny people impaled on his fingertips, and all of them appeared to be having the time of their lives, as if they were enjoying a carnival ride that just happened to involve having a gaping hole being punched through the chest. It was festive - lots of flowers and candy in primary colors, done in the style of Mexican folk art. The Great Big Book of Death, was the title, spelled out across the top of the cover in cheerful, human femur font letters.

Lily opened the book to the first page, where a note was paper-clipped.

This should explain everything. I'm sorry.

-  MF

Lily removed the note and opened the book to the first chapter: "So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need. "

And it was all she needed. This was, very possibly, the coolest book she had ever seen. And certainly not anything Charlie would be able to appreciate, especially in his current state of heightened neurosis. She slipped the book into her backpack, then tore the note and the envelope into tiny pieces and buried them at the bottom of the wastebasket.

Chapter 4

4

THE BETA MALE IN HIS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT

Jane," said Charlie, "I am convinced by the events of the last few weeks that nefarious forces or people - unidentified but no less real - are threatening life as we know it, and in fact, may be bent on unraveling the very fabric of our existence. "

"And that's why I have to eat yellow mustard?" Jane was sitting at Charlie's breakfast counter eating Little Smokies cocktail sausages out of the package, dipping them in a ramekin of French's yellow. Baby Sophie was sitting on the counter in her car-seat/bassinet/imperial-storm-trooper-helmet thingy.

Charlie paced the kitchen, marking off his evidentiary points in the air with a sausage as he went. "First, there was the guy in Rachel's room that mysteriously disappeared from the security tapes. "

"Because he was never there. Look, Sophie likes yellow mustard like you. "

"Second," Charlie continued, despite his sister's persistent indifference, "all the stuff in the shop was glowing like it was radioactive. Don't put that in her mouth. "

"Oh my God, Charlie, Sophie's straight. Look at her go after that Lil' Smokie. "

"And third, that Creek guy, got hit by a bus up on Columbus yesterday, I knew his name and he had an umbrella that was glowing red. "