A Dirty Job (Grim Reaper 1)

"We're different than other people?" Sophie said.

"That's right, honey, because we're different than other people," he said to the smartest, prettiest little girl in the world. "And you know why that is, right?

"

"Because we're Chinese and the White Devils can't be trusted?"

"No, not because we're Chinese. "

"Because we are Russian, and in our hearts are much sorrow?"

"No, there is not much sorrow in our hearts. "

"Because we are strong, like bear?"

"Yes, sweetie, that's it. We're different because we're strong, like bear. "

"I knew it. More tea, Daddy?"

"Yes, I'd love some more tea, Sophie. "

So," said the Emperor, "I see you have experienced the multifarious ways in which a man's life is enriched by the company of a good brace of hounds. "

Charlie was sitting on the back step of the shop, pulling whole frozen chickens from a crate and tossing them to Alvin and Mohammed one at a time. Each chicken was snapped out of the air with so much force that the Emperor, and Bummer and Lazarus, who were crouched across the alley suspiciously eyeing the hellhounds, flinched as if a pistol was being fired nearby.

"Multifarious enrichment," Charlie said, tossing another chicken. "That is exactly how I'd describe it. "

"There is no better, nor more loyal, friend than a good hound," said the Emperor.

Charlie paused, having pulled not a chicken from the box, but a portable electric mixer. "A friend indeed," he said, "a friend indeed. " Mohammed snapped down the mixer without even chewing - two feet of cord hung from the side of his mouth.

"That doesn't hurt him?" said the Emperor.

"Roughage," Charlie explained, throwing a frozen chicken chaser to Mohammed, who gulped it down with the rest of the mixer cord. "They're not really my dogs. They belong to Sophie. "

"A child needs a pet," said the Emperor. "A companion to grow up with - although these fellows seem to have done most of their growing. "

Charlie nodded, tossing the alternator from an eighty-three Buick into Alvin's eager jaws. There was a clanking and the dog belched, but his tail thumped against the Dumpster asking for more. "Well, they have been her constant companions," Charlie said. "At least now we have them trained so they'll just guard whatever building she's in. For a while they wouldn't leave her side. Bath time was a challenge. "

The Emperor said, "I believe it was the poet Billy Collins who wrote, 'No one here likes a wet dog. '"

"Yes, and he probably never had to get a squirming toddler and two four-hundred-pound dogs out of a bubble bath, either. "

"But they've mellowed, you say?"

"They had to. Sophie started school. The teacher frowned on giant dogs in class. " Charlie flipped an answering machine to Alvin, who crunched it up like a dog biscuit, shards of dog-spit-covered plastic raining down from his jaws.

"So what did you do?"

"It took us a few days, and a lot of explaining, but I trained them to just sit outside the front door of the school. "

"And the faculty relented?"

"Well, I spray-paint them with that granite-texture spray paint every morning, then tell them to sit absolutely still on either side of the door. No one seems to notice them. "

"And they obey? All day?"

"Well, it's just a half day right now, she's only in kindergarten. And you have to promise them a cookie. "