It was the most beautiful, most painful pleasure he had known in his life. The feel of her lips against his neck, his hands on her bare flesh, her tentative touch against his hardened length. With a groan, he stuffed himself inside his trousers. He tasted Kitty in his mouth now as he never had before—sweet, so damn sweet—and her subtle lavender scent infused his lungs. Her thighs had trembled beneath his carnal kisses, and he wanted to take his cock and sink it into her welcoming heat.
Merciful Christ.
Alexander wanted her forever; the need was so visceral, he almost fell to his knees. She had the potential to be his heart, his soul, the happiness he had always believed he would never find. He trailed his fingers up the length of her leg and over her silken stockings. Then he explored farther, letting his hand drift up the sensitive skin of her inner thigh. Soothing her. Wanting her.
His member, which he’d thought dead, got even harder, and the muted pain in his back and left leg began to shout louder, but he ignored it.
“Why did you stop?” Her voice was tentative and roughened with burgeoning passion. Admittedly, she did not understand what it was she asked. It was the desire clouding her judgment.
Lowering his head to press his forehead against her trembling shoulder, he swallowed tightly, fighting with every iota of self-control he possessed. She did not deserve ruination. He was not a villainous seducer. So he would not slake his newly awaking lust on her body…even if she seemed so wet and wantonly willing.
How could he compromise her virtue more than he’d done already and trap her into marriage when he could never guarantee her a family or a normal life? He’d accepted the loneliness—to consign her to a similar fate was cruel indeed.
There was a chaise longue farther into the conservatory, and he would take her there. He lifted her into his arms, grunting at the fire that sliced through his back. She leaned into him as he carried her, resting her head on his shoulder. His heartbeat seemed far steadier than hers. His legs felt as if they would buckle at any moment, but he ignored the pain, hating that he would never be whole enough to experience certain joys with her. He was only thirty years of age but felt the weight of every wound and scar he’d suffered.
They reached the chaise, and he lowered himself in it, taking her into his lap. Her eyes widened as she felt the proof of his arousal. It was more than that— His cock was so painfully hard, it felt it would split through his wet trousers.
Kitty peered at h
im with that same expression of tender yearnings she’d had in the rowing boat. If only…
He did not want to lose her.
The unexpected thought gave Alexander an odd panic. He accepted then that she was totally wrapped around his heart, and there would be nothing left once she was gone. “I would lay the world at your feet if I could, Katherine.”
Her eyes crinkled at the corners. He loved that her eyes always smiled first. Then her lips curved, and her whole face changed, glowed, making her even more beautiful.
“I do not need the whole world. Just a little bit of you, Alexander,” she said huskily, her gaze searching his expression intently. Then she leaned in, and her lips trembled against his in a soft kiss.
This can mean nothing, he wanted to warn her. But could not bring himself to say the harsh words. She cupped his jaw tenderly, and her touch was like a soft brush of satin.
“I never knew pleasure could be so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
The impending sense of loss drove him to lean forward and place his lips tenderly on her brow for long moments. His throat burned as he grieved for the thousand small moments they would never be able to share.
She leaned back and peered into his eyes. “What was that for?”
Her words trembled, and in her gaze, he spied fright, as if she sensed the pain of his decision cleaving through him. Farewell.
“It is time for you to return to London,” he said.
Her eyes flashed with defiance. “Alone?”
“Yes.”
Her entire body went rigid, and wounded eyes settled on him. A breath shuddered from her. “And what we just shared?”
“Do not look at me like that, Katherine. I made no promises.”
“Then make them now.”
Something broke inside him. Odd, that, for he’d genuinely believed he had nothing but emptiness inside.
She kissed the underside of his jaw. “Make them, Alexander…and I’ll make mine as well.” This was breathed with that fascinating mix of shyness and daring.
I promise I will cherish you forever. Yet he did not utter those words. He said, “Do you not wish for children…a family to dote on? To travel the world, to live life with your unique, inspiring boldness?”
The barest of tension wound through her frame. “I…”