I nodded. “Yeah. I felt really guilty for feeling that way. We talked for a bit, and once Blake found out I had a boyfriend, he seemed to pull back. I hadn’t really thought about it until tonight, but I remember c
atching him staring at me that whole night. He even offered to give me a ride home. He was a gentleman, though. He never once tried to make a move.”
I blew out a breath.
“I guess I should just start with how this whole thing began recently.”
She spooned ice cream into her mouth and said, “Go on.”
Setting the ice cream on the table, I leaned back and pulled my knees to my chest. “I was at a bar, Butch’s Place, drinking like I always do on the anniversary of Mike’s death. It’s not a good coping mechanism; I know that. Butch is Mike’s father. I told you that, right?”
Kaelynn nodded.
“Anyway, Butch was really there for me when Mike died. The only thing Mike would talk about was some mission he was on that went wrong. A few guys died, and Mike blamed himself. He wasn’t the same after he came home. He spent a lot of time at his father’s bar and even more time near the end back in North Carolina, at the base where he was stationed. I knew he was having a hard time adjusting to civilian life, and he enjoyed being around his former army buddies.”
I shrugged and stared down at the floor. “Anyway, Blake evidently likes this bar too. It’s sort of his safe place as well, but I don’t know why. He hasn’t told me. He happened to be there the night I was there. I’m honestly shocked we hadn’t run into each other there before. According to Butch, Blake’s been coming there since he was twenty-one. Never on the same day, but always during that one week. The same week Mike killed himself.”
Kaelynn listened quietly as I told her the whole story. My proposition of no-strings sex at the café the morning after Blake brought me home. Me going back to the bar a couple weeks later and Blake finding me. The club Blake took me to, the first time up in his condo, the morning I ran into Blake out running, the hotel, me running, and earlier, in the janitor closet. I spilled everything while she sat there, stunned, staring at me with her mouth nearly on the ground.
“You guys had sex in the janitor’s closet tonight?” she asked.
“That’s it? That is the first thing you’re going to say after everything I told you?”
“Well . . . I mean . . . I’ll be honest with you, Morgan, I’m shocked by all of it. Especially the little orgasm in the club.”
I smiled. “It was not little. Trust me.”
She scrunched up her nose and kept talking. “I mean, I get you wanting some meaningless fun, and we even talked about it . . . but Blake? Why in the world would you ask Blake?”
I swallowed hard and wiped at the corners of my eyes, where I felt the tears building. “He was someone I knew and could trust. And let’s be honest, I’ve been attracted to him for a while now. When he moved back to Austin and he would come around, it was hard to ignore the way my body reacted to him.”
Kaelynn giggled. “Please. I knew you both had a thing for each other, and I would honestly be shocked if Nash didn’t suspect it as well.”
I blew out a breath.
“Okay, so get back to you and Blake and why y’all couldn’t keep it to one night only.”
With a drawn-out exhale, I replied, “I don’t know. When we’re together, I can’t describe my feelings, Kaelynn. It’s explosive on so many levels. Even the first time I came—like a whore in the club, all grinding on him—I felt a connection to him I can’t explain.”
Kaelynn shook her head. “You’re not a whore. If Nash and I were in a sexy night club tucked in a corner, I’d do the same thing.”
I chewed on my lip, knowing she was telling me the truth. She motioned for me to go on.
“I’ve never felt these types of feelings before. Not even with Mike, and I know with all my heart I loved Mike. It’s just, there was always something between us. A wall he had put up that kept me from really getting in, or maybe it was me who put up the wall. Maybe we were just comfortable with each other. Even though he asked me to marry him, I couldn’t seem to make him happy, and I’m not 100 percent sure I was truly happy. It was almost like he felt obligated to propose and I felt obligated to say yes because we’d had been together since high school. Maybe I didn’t love him enough to see he was in pain. That he was hurting.”
Kaelynn grabbed my hands and squeezed them. “Don’t you dare do that. Don’t you dare blame his death on you.”
I’d never told Kaelynn about Mike’s confession in his suicide note. I’d only ever told two people besides the police. Those two people were Butch and Nash.
“I don’t, but I can’t help feeling lost. Blake makes me feel treasured. He says things that a man who truly cares about a woman would say. Mike never made me feel this way.” I clutched my hand to my heart. “I feel something completely different with Blake.”
My chin trembled as I looked into Kaelynn’s eyes. “And . . . and I can’t stop myself from thinking that being with Blake has been the most amazing moments of my life. Kaelynn, the way he makes me feel, the way he worships my body and tells me I’m so beautiful. The connection we feel when we make love. I see it in his eyes—I know he feels it too. Then when I really think about it, I’m so angry at Mike for not doing that! For not making me feel like I was completely his. I can’t help but want Blake, and I tried so hard that first night to not want him. I tried so hard to ignore the way my heart feels when he smiles at me. Or the way my body aches for him each time I think of him or I’m near him or he touches me. I feel myself falling in love with him, and I can’t stop it. I don’t think I could stop it even if I wanted to, and I don’t want to.”
“Morgan, I’m pretty positive Blake feels the same way. I wish you could see the way he looks at you.”
I smiled and wiped away a tear. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For a man to look at me the way Nash looks at you. The way Tucker and Jim look at Charlie and Terri.”
Kaelynn reached up and kissed me on the forehead, then she frowned.