Never Say Forever

“I don’t need to hear the rest.” My chair scrapes against the tiles as I push it back, but I go nowhere as Carson’s hand reaches out lightning quick, clamping around my wrist.

“Yes, you do. You need to hear it all.”

“Find a priest if you want absolution,” I hiss, “because I can’t give it to you.”

“Your body can, Fee. Your touch. But don’t worry, I don’t expect that. I just need you to hear what I have to say. Please.”

I lower myself back into the chair. Why do humans feel the need to torture themselves?

“It started as a joke. I wasn’t in the mood that night, and this daughter of some fashion house jokingly offered me money to fuck her. In jest. She knew I didn’t need the money but somehow the thought grew and twisted until it seemed like the most fucked up justice in the world. My grandfather built his empire on the backs of women—that’s true. The shit I could tell you would make you ill. But what a way to redress the imbalance by flipping those tables.”

“I don’t want to hear this,” I whisper. It hurts to much to hear it. To see the pain on his face.

“It gets worse. I didn’t sell myself for gain. I made those women donate to Rose’s foundation. Let them fight to fuck me using the power of the almighty dollar.”

I gasp, my mouth wide open in shock. “You . . . You weren’t atoning for his sins,” I whisper, feeling ill.

“I thought it was justice. Giving women back the power. Giving them what they wanted, making them pay for it, yes, but then seeing other women benefited from it. I also thought I was guarding my heart. But it turns out, I was just ruining it.”

“Carson, do you remember telling me that a man knows his actions say more about him than his words?”

His eyes reflect his confusion. His hurt. And maybe a better person wouldn’t take this route, but I have to. I can’t do this. I can feel sorry for him, but this is bigger than the two of us. Bigger than him and me.

“The day on the mountain, the night at the inn. I’ve remembered so much of it. How you touched me. Held me. You made me feel like a goddess. Like I was worth something.”

“You’re worth the earth to me. I would rip it apart just to be with you.”

“But don’t you see? Your actions say more about you than your words. Not about your grandfather, which I can’t say I’ll ever be able to comprehend, but at least I can try to understand better than I did. What I’m talking about is how you lied to me.” My words are plaintive, my voice breaking at the last. “Yes, you did what you did, but then you chose not to tell me. You kept me in the dark. You locked me out.”

“I thought I was protecting you.”

“It’s hard enough to understand how you could value yourself so little . . .” I wipe the back of my hand under my nose, then press the meat of my palms to my watering eyes, tears that will no longer be controlled. “And I don’t know which hurts most.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Lies always hurt,” I murmur.

“Put yourself in my position—”

“I would never!” I’ve never been a violent person, but I find myself pushing back the chair with such a violence. “I’ve been in some horrible predicaments in my time. Times where I’ve been poor and hungry, living in a billionaire’s bloody paradise. I’ve been propositioned and touched while working in fancy cocktail bars and it would’ve been so easy to give in. To allow someone to keep me. But I’d rather be hungry than sell myself.” My eyes sweep over him, his posture stiffening under my gaze.

“You’ve obviously made up your mind already,” he utters icily.

“What do your actions say about you, Carson? What do they say about me?”

“My actions say I love you!” he roars. The bar falls silent. Or maybe I’m just not hearing anything but him. “From the very first day. From finding you in my bathtub. From the day I found you broken down at the side of the road, I have put you first. Above all things. My actions say I would do anything for you.’

My mind floods with all the joy Carson has brought into my life, the big and the small. From apartments and bedrooms to popcorn and movies and the cups of tea he’s learned to make me. But if he can’t love himself, how can he ever truly love me?

“Yes, I believe you would do anything for me. Anything but tell me the truth.”

36

Fee

“Next time I’m back, we’re going to Bermuda,” Rose mutters, throwing herself into a chair.