Never Say Forever

“By the time I was six months pregnant, it didn’t matter who her father was. Because she was mine. All mine. And I’d be enough for her.”

“And you both have me now, body, heart, and soul.”

And I’ll be enough for them both.

42

Fee

We’d said early goodbyes to Rose and Remy, but not before I took my friend to one side to explain why Carson and I couldn’t stay. I didn’t go into the whole horror story, sticking to what I’d already told them with the amendment that Lulu’s father had turned out to be Carson’s estranged brother.

Rose had looked so sad on my behalf and had asked, “What will you do now?”

I didn’t answer because I truly didn’t know. I also hadn’t realised Carson was standing at my back until his arms had enveloped me and he’d said, “We’ll face whatever comes together.”

Her expression had melted, and I’ll admit I might’ve choked back a few tears of my own. But now we’re back in the apartment, and following a day of fake cheeriness, we’re tucked up in bed. The same bed, actually, with Lulu sleeping soundly between us beneath the crisp white sheets. I guess we didn’t fake enough for her. She’d practically shadowed Carson all day, clinging to him like the koala they once joked she was. The streets below are a low distant hum that might be another world for all our thoughts. And though the room is dark, the haze of the city through the open drapes allow me to see the man I love. And him me.

“What happens if he wants to get to spend time with her?” My words are a sudden frightened whisper, as though speaking my fears any louder might make them true. I might know his name now, but it doesn’t change how I remember him. I’ve always known, though maybe refused to fully admit, that there was something worrying about him. What kind of person goes to the lengths he did to get me into bed? “What happens if he wants custody?” A spike of panic pierces my chest, my thoughts scattering in a dozen directions, each more frightening than the last.

“Whoever said family is a haven never sat down to dinner with my brother.”

“That doesn’t help.”

“Fee, you’re spiralling.” His large hand grasps my shoulder, his concern etched in those lines that bracket his beautiful mouth. Not just beautiful because of how it looks on that gorgeous face of his, but also because of the love it shows me. “All you need to know is that I won’t let anything bad happen to either of you. And honestly? I don’t see how Simon will be interested in being Lulu’s father. He doesn’t have the capacity to care for anyone but himself.”

“He seemed pretty interested in Melly.”

“You can bet there will be a reason behind it. You know, when he asked you if you’d missed him, and I tried very hard to not redirect his teeth down the back of his throat, your reply made me think you’d guessed about him.” Lifting from my shoulder, his fingers trace the side of my face, his touch featherlight.

“Guessed what? What did I say?” I only remember the exchange in fragments interspersed with an overwhelming panic.

“You said that it was hard to miss someone who didn’t exist, I thought you’d guessed. My brother is a sociopath.”

My heart begins to hammer, the explanation calling out to me, almost as though part of me had known all along.

“I don’t suppose he’s ever been diagnosed,” Carson continues, his large hand cupping my cheek reassuringly. “Though if he had, I doubt he’d tell anyone. His whole life, he’s shown very little remorse for the things he’s done, right from being a kid. No regret or contrition, unless the appearance of it might aid his aims. If you knew him, if you’d seen the real him, you’d be forgiven for saying he has no moral compunction, and I know that sounds like a joke coming from me.”

“No, stop,” I reach out, covering his hand with mine before bringing it over my heart. “Don’t compare yourself with him. You are a good person. You look after those around you. You care.”

“I’m not sure Simon has the capacity for compassion. He’ll only do what’s right for him, and that includes lying. He says he’s not interested in pursuing any connection with Lu.” I find myself bending to kiss her sleep fluffed hair, though I’m sure I’m seeking to reassure myself more than anything else. “I do think that’s probably the only true thing he said today, but I wouldn’t trust that he’s not going to make it look like something else. Probably just as a way to hurt me.”

“I won’t let him hurt you.” Along with my vow, I press his hand tighter over my heart.