Never Say Forever

“Well, that depends on you. Because this is an ultimatum, Fee. I want to hurt Carson. I want him to understand what it feels like to be cast aside.”

“By bargaining with a child’s love?”

“No, by you leaving him.”

“You can’t make me do that.” The logical part of my brain seems to think this is true, yet the instinctive part, the place responsible for so much of my parenting seems to intuit what’s coming. I find myself folding my arms across my chest almost as though to shield my heart against what he says next.

“That’s true. I can’t force you. You have to decide.”

“You don’t even know if Lulu is truly yours,” I begin to hedge, prompting him to sighs as though pitying my naïveté.

“Mater certissima, pater semper incertus,” he intones as though teaching a class. “Do you know what that means?”

I shake my head, wishing I had some kind of come back. Wishing it was Carson I was leaning against, instead of a white painted wall.

“Motherhood is certain, the father is always uncertain. That was what the Roman’s said. It was written into their laws. Thankfully, these days, we have the benefit of paternity testing. You know she’s mine, so you have to decide what’s more important to you. Is it your child or is it Carson? Because if you choose to cross me, I won’t be turning back. First, it’ll be an access centre, then short visitations, then weekends, then school vacations. Next it will be schools of my choosing. And then, before you know it, she’ll be opting to live with me full time.”

“You really are delusional.” Along with my retort, I manage a slow shake of my head. But I’m panicked. So panicked. He doesn’t know Lulu, and this distant, older Lulu he speaks of is a stranger to me, too. But teenagers can be so contrary, full of rebellion and hormones. What if he’s right? What if he can do this?

“I don’t think I’m overreaching. And neither do you. She’ll be a little older, and I’ll spoil her. In all the ways teenage girls shouldn’t be indulged.”

A fist clamps around my intestines as something he once said comes back to me like a slap. He said I had the body of a teenager, and I’d laughed it off as a weirdly phrased compliment. I was skinny, yes. Because I was suffering from body issues and stress.

“I’ll buy her affections,” he continues, “Teenagers are so cheap. I’ll buy her a car, pay for her nose job and breast implants. Indulge the little habits rich girls make,” he says, dabbing his nose tellingly. In the way I’ve seen girls in the bathrooms of clubs do a hundred times. “And of course, you’ll have to stay here. Well, at least, until she decides to come live with me permanently.”

“No court is going to make us stay here. She doesn’t even know you.”

“No, but she will. Don’t underestimate me, Fee. I can make it happen. Do you know what a good lawyer does? He digs for dirt. For muck. He’ll discover all your secrets and hang them out for all and sundry to see. He’ll prevent you from taking her anywhere. Maybe I’ll even send her to boarding school to take her away from you. But it won’t come to that, will it? Because you’ll do as I ask.”

“You’re nuts if you think I’ll do anything for you.”

“Not even a blowjob for old times?”

“Get out,” I growl, pushing off from the wall, my fists clenched and my brain about to burst.

“But I haven’t even told you the best bit yet. End this with Carson. Because it you don’t, I’ll turn up to family court with proof my brother, your partner, the man raising my daughter, which, on its own already sounds so tawdry, has a history of male prostitution. How long do you think you’ll hold on to Eloise then?”

44

Fee

How long do you think you’ll hold on to Eloise?

I can’t risk it. I can’t ruin her life like that.

My mind is a mess as I shove underwear into Lulu’s Hello Kitty suitcase, swiping at the constant fall of tears.

I have to leave. Today. Now. Before he has a chance to do anything.

My stomach twists as I glance toward the nightstand next to the bed I share with Carson. On it lies my iPad and my phone, both with a dozen pages of searches already open. I’ve looked into the validity of Simon’s threats, and the reality is truly terrifying. I’ve searched how the legal system would stand up to protecting us here, and in London and what it would mean if we moved back to France. I can barely think straight for his threats as I press one of Lulu’s pink slippers into the corner of her case.

Where’s the other?

I begin to push my hands through the piles of our clothes, searching for the other one. My mum bought them for her. If she can’t find them when we get there, wherever there is, she’ll be so sad. But not nearly as sad as when she finds out Carson won’t be her daddy.