Eastern Lights (Compass 2)

I can’t breathe…

I can’t breathe…

“Why is this happening?” I asked Hannah as I stood in my dressing room, waiting for my bridesmaids to arrive. I wished I could say Hannah was a close friend, but I didn’t really know her all that well. She was the wedding planner Marie had hired and she was in charge of making sure I wouldn’t have the exact breakdown I was currently partaking in.

I stood in front of the floor-length mirror wearing my wedding gown as tears flooded my eyes.

Don’t do it, Aaliyah.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry…

“Oh my gosh!” I sobbed, covering my face with my hands.

“Oh, honey, don’t do that! It’s all right,” Hannah told me.

“How can I not cry? Look at me! I’m fat!” I sobbed, staring at my stomach. Who thought eating a whole basket of bread was a good idea the night before their wedding? Even more so, who thought getting a mermaid dress was a wise idea when one had hips like mine? Why had I done that to myself? Why did I love to self-sabotage?

Jason was right. My ass was fat.

“You’re not fat. You look marvelous,” Hannah promised in such a monotone way. It was clear she had given the “You’re not fat” talk to many brides in her lifetime. She reached for a tissue and started patting at my eyes. “Now stop crying, or we’ll have to keep touching up your makeup.”

I sniffled a bit and stared at myself in the mirror as a few stubborn tears kept falling from my eyes. “Do you think this is the right dress, Hannah?”

She snickered, placing her hands on my shoulders. “I think it’s a bit late to be asking that question.”

I nodded. “I know, it’s just…”

“Butterflies,” she cut in. “It’s wedding day butterflies. I’ve been doing this for over thirty years now, darling—”

“Thirty years?” She must’ve been dying her hair that shade of red. There was no way she could have not one gray hair given the line of work she was in. Nothing makes a person go gray faster than a bridezilla.

“Yes, thirty long years and while all the small details are fun, they don’t really matter much.”

“They don’t?”

“No. It’s not about the dress, or the reception, or the first dance. It’s not about the perfect photographer or a gorgeous bouquet. None of that matters. All that matters is you standing at the end of that long aisle with the love of your life and saying ‘I do.’ The only thing that matters is you two, there, at that moment, together, as you both start writing the opening chapter of your story.”

I released the breath I hadn’t even known I was holding.

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. “Okay?” she asked.

I nodded. “Okay.”

There was a knock on my door, and we both turned to see Connor standing there. He looked so handsome in his all-black tuxedo. I was glad he’d gone with all black. It was so charming and classy.

“Connor, hey, you look great.” I sighed, relieved. “It’s so good to see you’re here, because that means Jason’s here, which means this is really happening, and I was crying for no reason and—” My words trailed off as I stared at Connor. His lips were doing something strange, something I’d never witnessed them do before.

He was…frowning?

“What is it?” I asked, alarmed. “Is everything okay? Is Jason all right?”

He cleared his throat and slid his hands into his pockets. He looked at Hannah, and then back at me, that frown still resting uncomfortably against his lips. “Do you think we can speak privately?”

“Oh no…” Hannah muttered quietly, shaking her head.

I shot my stare toward her, even more alarmed than before. “What do you mean ‘oh no’? What’s going on?”

Hannah gave me a broken smile and squeezed my hands. “I’ll give you two space to talk.” She left the room as if she knew what was about to happen, as if she knew how my world was about to be turned upside down.

Once she was out of the room, Connor stepped closer to me. The closer he grew, the sicker I felt.

I can’t breathe…

I can’t breathe…

“No,” I whispered, my body beginning to tremble. “I mean, this is ridiculous. He wouldn’t…I mean, he couldn’t…” I laughed, fully in denial, and the more I laughed, the more Connor grimaced. “Why are you here right now?”

He lowered his head before raising it slowly and staring at me with those blue eyes. “I’m so sorry, Aaliyah.”

“No.” I shook my head. “Don’t be sorry, because there’s nothing to be sorry about. I mean, he loves me. We love each other. Today’s happening…it’s just nerves. I had nerves, so I’m sure he had nerves, which is fine. We are fine.” I swallowed hard. “Right, Connor…?”

“He, um…” Each word that left Connor’s mouth was tainted with pain. Each word dripped with guilt as he said all that needed to be said for me to fully understand the situation at hand. “He left a note on the nightstand…”