I said a prayer before the surgery. I didn’t know to who. To God, to the universe, to aliens. I said a prayer to whatever it was that was out there, knowing that all I needed to do was stay a little longer for Connor. So we could fight. So we could scream. So we could make up. So we could fall deeper into whatever it was that we were on the tip of discovering.
Tears found me as Connor parted his mouth and whispered, “I love you, more.”
44
Aaliyah
Pump, pump.
Pump, pump.
Pump, pump…
My chest rose and fell.
I felt them. I felt the heartbeats. Heartbeats that were mine, but not exactly mine.
Borrowed time. A promise for another tomorrow. A blessing I wasn’t certain I deserved, but I knew I’d never take it for granted.
Thank you, William.
The transplant went extremely well, and I was stunned at how little pain I felt afterward.
I had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks after, but soon enough, I was released and able to go back to my apartment. Damian checked in on me every single day. Everything was going well with recovery, but even though I had a new heart, and it was beating, it didn’t take away the sadness that sat inside me. There was still so much trauma I had to work through outside of recovery—Marie, for instance.
Plus, I’d missed Connor, yet I knew it wasn’t time for me to reach out to him just yet. I needed to fully recover, to know that I was going to be okay before I could show up to him and tell him all of my feelings.
So, when my doorbell rang, and I saw it was him standing downstairs with a bouquet, I was quite surprised. I headed downstairs and opened the door for him.
“Hi,” I said, crossing my arms across my body as the chilled autumn air pushed past me.
“Hi,” he replied, his voice low. “I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, and I get that, Aaliyah, but I needed to see you. I need to see that you’re doing okay, that you’re healing…that you’re here. So, I’m sorry, but I needed to stop by.”
“It’s okay.”
He frowned. “It’s not. None of what happened between us is okay. I made a million mistakes. I knew nothing about love, nothing of heartbreak, nothing, Aaliyah. I knew nothing about love until I met you. You deserve everything, and I never want you to be unhappy because of me. But…I just want to say this.”
“Connor…”
“Please, Aaliyah. I’ll leave you alone after this, I swear, but I need you to know my truth.”
My eyes fell to the ground for a moment before I looked back up to him and nodded, giving him permission to continue.
“You changed me. You awakened parts of my soul that I didn’t know were sleeping. I realized that it’s not love or commitment that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of losing the things that I care about more than anything. I spent most of my childhood paranoid about waking up one morning and finding my mother dead. To this day, I struggle with the fact that the cancer might come back and be more intense than ever before. I’m fucking terrified of losing her, losing you.
“I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of going back to living in that place where I witness the people I love hurting, and I cannot do anything to take that pain away. I’m scared, Lia…I’m scared.”
“I understand all of that, truly. But even with my transplant, there’s a chance my body could reject the heart. There’s still so much unknown about how my life will go, and I can’t take away your fear, Connor.”
“I’m not asking you to do that. I’m asking you to allow me to be afraid but still let me stay. Because the idea of not having you in my life at all is scarier than any what-if. Do I want to grow old with you? Yes. Do I want to count all of your gray hairs and mock you about it years from now? Absolutely. Do I want to fall in love with all of your wrinkles? One hundred percent. But if all I get is here and now, I want it, Red. I want this, you and me, at this very moment. I want every moment that God will give me to be yours.
“So, this is me asking, begging for you to give me another shot. I won’t be perfect, but I won’t run. Even when I’m scared, I’ll stay. Even when I feel like the world is slipping away, I’ll stay. If I had to live forever, I’d like to live forever with you. But if I’d only had today, I’d like to sit on top of a rooftop and stare out at the eastern lights with you. It doesn’t matter how many days, weeks, or years we have, I’m in. Be it today or forever, I only want you.”