It had been so long since I’d experienced a panic attack to this degree. I was supposed to be getting better. I was supposed to be finding my way to a new beginning. I was writing again. I was happy. At least, I thought I was happy.
Yet, there I was, curled in a ball under an oak tree, unable to move due to the flashbacks of my horrors.
“Okay, I got her,” a deep voice said, calm as day. He walked over toward me and bent down in front of me. “Hey, Sun,” Jax said, giving me his half-grin. “What’s going on?”
“I-I-I…I ca—can’t bre-brea…” I took a deep breath in as I wrapped my arms around my body and rocked back and forth.
“Breathe,” he said, nodding in understanding. “You can breathe. You are breathing. It’s just a bit erratic. We should get you out of the rain.”
“I can’t…the car…I c-can’t get in a car right now.”
He didn’t arch an eyebrow or show any signs of judgment as he watched me in the midst of my panic attack. He didn’t ask questions or tell me I could climb into the car and be just fine. He didn’t undermine my feelings or fears, and he didn’t tell me to just push through it the same way my ex used to do. He was the calmness in the middle of my hurricane.
“Then we won’t put you in a car, but you can’t stay out here in the rain, so come on.” He held his arms out toward me.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to carry you.”
My broken heart started beating again as I stared into the peace filling his gaze. As I was panicked, he stayed still. He was the calm of the sea as my mind swam through its own brutal waves of despair.
I shook my head. “No, Jax. We’re t-too far from my place. You can’t do it. Plus, I’m too heavy, and, and, and—”
“Kennedy,” he cut in, still holding his hands out toward me. “I’m going to carry you now.”
I didn’t say another word, just nodded as he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me from beneath the tree. He began walking in the direction of our houses, which were blocks away.
“What are you doing?” Connor asked.
“I’m taking her home.”
“That’s over a mile, Jax.”
“It’s not a problem,” he said matter-of-factly even though I knew it was an insane task.
Connor combed his hands through his hair and sighed. “I’ll follow behind you, in case you decide you need a ride.”
He climbed into his car and drove slowly behind Jax. Connor was to Jax what Jax was to me—a true friend. Anyone who would carry you in the rain was someone worth having in your life, and anyone who would trail you to make sure you didn’t need a ride was also worthy of awards.
Havenbarrow had men who were made for romance novels.
I buried my head into Jax’s chest as he carried me, never seeming tired from the heaviness of my body in his arms. Each step he took felt controlled and deliberate. As my head lay against his chest and as I listened to his heart beating, my own heartbeats seemed to calm.
“Thank you, Moon,” I whispered, holding onto his soaked shirt tightly.
“Any time, Sun,” he replied.
As we arrived home, he went ahead and carried me up the steps of my front porch. Connor rushed to me with my purse and keys. He held them out to me, and I thanked him.
Before I knew it, Connor wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. “I’m so sorry, Kennedy. For anything I did, I’m sorry.”
I told him he hadn’t done anything wrong, but when he let me go, I saw the tears in his eyes as guilt swam in his stare. “I swear, Connor. I’m okay.”
He nodded once and straightened his baseball cap. “Get some rest, lady. Jax, keep an eye on her, will you?”
Jax brushed his hand across the back of his neck. “Will do.”
Connor headed back to his car and drove off, leaving a dripping-wet Jax standing on my porch. I felt a little silly now that I’d calmed down from my panic.
My hands brushed my cheeks as I gave him a pathetic smile. “You shouldn’t be standing in those wet clothes. I’m okay now, I swear. I’m going to change and head to bed and—”
“You can talk about it.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“You can talk about what you’re feeling with me.”
I shook my head. My lips parted to speak, but I choked on my words, unable to express the emotions weighing heavily on my heart. “I don’t know how to talk about it. I thought I was better. I thought I was getting better.”
“You are getting better.”
“No, I’m not. I have panic attacks when I see kids. I have panic attacks when it rains. I can hardly get into a car without being overwhelmed. I can’t drive. Don’t you see? I’m not normal. Penn always said I was too much, and I am. Amanda was right.”