“Every time I called you, you told me it wasn’t my fault. You tried to hammer it into me. You tried to hit me over the head with the fact that I shouldn’t blame myself, and I never understood why. I thought you were trying to comfort me, but the truth was you were trying to confess.”
Derek kept crying, and Jax stood still.
I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to make anything better. I was almost certain Jax was about to snap. I would’ve lost my mind if those truths were revealed to me. But to my surprise—to everyone’s surprise—he stayed calm.
“Give it to me,” Jax told his brother. “This land—give it to me. I don’t want anything else from you. You owe me that much. I don’t want your time and I don’t give two shits about your apologies, but you give me this, and then we move on.”
“It’s yours,” Derek said, his shoulders rounded forward as he surrendered. “It’s yours.”
Derek walked away, still mumbling his apologies.
I rushed over to Jax’s side and took his hands in mine. “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I can’t even think about what’s going through your mind right now, but I just want you to know I’m here for you. I’m here, Jax, and I’m not leaving your side.”
He closed his eyes and lay his lips against my forehead. He pulled me into him and held on tight. “Everything’s a mess.”
“I know.”
“But I still have you.”
“Yes. Jax, I’m here, no matter what, I’m here.”
“I love you, Kennedy.”
“I love you, too.”
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew there was a lot Jax was going to have to work through, but I was going to be there for him. I was going to hold his hand throughout all the storms that came his way.
* * *
I stayed by Jax’s side the following days which turned into weeks. He was struggling with dealing with the truth of the accident from all those years back. Derek had reached out to him time and time again to try to fix their relationship, but Jax didn’t answer his calls.
“I’ll have to talk to him some day,” he said, “I just don’t think that day is today.”
More than understandable.
After what he’d been through, I wouldn’t blame Jax if he never spoke to his brother again, but I knew Jax. His love was bigger than his hate. His relationship with his brother would never be the same again, but I knew at some point he’d reach out to him.
For the time being, he began working on the landscaping of his property, with mine and Connor’s help, of course. It seemed getting his hands into the earth’s soil was healing for him. Each time he dug up a spot of his past, it felt as if he was discovering a new kind of future. Something that could be beautiful and healthy. He was finally finding a way to begin again.
I was doing the same.
Eddie—or, well he was Dr. Jefferson that afternoon—handed me yet another tissue to wipe away my tears. I’d been seeing him twice a week for the past three weeks, and our sessions always ended with me in tears.
“This is good, Kennedy. Getting your emotions out is a very healthy thing,” he encouraged. I knew he was right, even though some days it felt very difficult to do. I was getting better at working through my panic attacks with some tips and tricks he’d given me.
“Whenever you see another child, maybe say the word ‘Daisy’ in your mind. Think of those as moments of your daughter sending you her love, instead of making it out to be a moment of loss. She can live in every single moment, and if you allow it, that can be a beautiful blessing.”
I’d been trying his process for some time now, and even though it didn’t always work, sometimes I’d end up smiling. Then, I’d share stories about Daisy with the people I loved, the people who were always willing to listen.
That afternoon as I left the therapy session, Jax was waiting for me outside the building.
“Tears?” he asked with a small smile on his lips.
“You know it.” I laughed. “Would it be therapy without Eddie making me cry?”
“He’s pretty good at his job,” Jax agreed.
I narrowed my eyes and poked him in the chest. “Maybe you should get back to allowing him to be good at his job with you, too.”
He kissed my forehead and pulled me into his side. “We can’t both get better at once, Sun. We need at least one unstable partner in this relationship,” he joked.
I paused my steps. “Seriously, Jax. Are you doing okay? I mean, I know you say you’re okay, but are you really?”
“I’ll get there. I promise. It’s just going to take me one day at a time. I just have to keep getting up in the morning and wanting more for my life. So far, so good.”