Neither (The Noctalis Chronicles 3)

“Why do you care so much?” I said.

“Because I have seen mortals and immortals alike do insane things for love. I don't want to see you do something you will regret for the rest of your existence. I've seen it happen. It is not a way to lead this life.”

“What happened to you?” I was more curious about her than I would ever let on.

She looked toward the trees. “Someone I loved hurt me. It was a long time ago, but the memory haunts me every moment of every day. I wish I could take it all back. I'm going to find her. Do you want to come with me?”

Up until now, I'd seen her as just a nuisance. It was clear that Helena had loved and lost. She knew was she was talking about. I thought about it. I could stay and be with Jamie until I did kill him, or I could leave and save him. This could be my new purpose.

I just wanted to jump into the bedroom window of that human boy, kiss him, pull his clothes off, and stay with him all night. We wouldn't have to have sex, but I wanted his skin touching mine. I wanted to meld with him like we were one person, instead of two.

“Sure, why not?”

Twenty-Three

Peter

Ava and I spend the rest of the day sitting in the church or on the hood of her car. She keeps an emergency stash of food in her car, and I find a stream to bring her water in a coffee cup she had in her car.

“Thanks, Peter. You're so considerate,” she says, giving me a kiss as a reward.

The afternoon sun seeps into my skin and I lie with her in my arms.

“I don't want to go back. What if we ran away? I'm not saying we should. I could never leave Mom. But what if? How long do you think we could run from Di?”

“I ran from her once before and she always found me. Di has a way of finding things that don't want to be found.”

Ava's phone rings and she groans before she answers it. “Hey, Tex. Yeah, I know. I just needed some time, okay? Jesus, take a chill pill.”

Texas is yelling on the other end of the line. Ava rolls her eyes, knowing I can hear every word.

“No, I'm fine. I just needed a break.” She rubs her hand across her face. I can tell she is still tired. I might have to drug her to get her to sleep again. It worked well the last time. Texas asks if she should come over to Ava's house.

“Sure, if you want to. Don't bring Viktor. You know what I mean. He can hang with Peter in my room. I just think that it would be too much right now, okay?”

Texas reluctantly agrees, and Ava hangs up.

“She is so much work, and it's even worse now. Not that I don't like Viktor, but it's hard enough with just Tex. Now I have a whole other person to consider. This Claiming business is worse than marriage.”

“What is making you upset?” I can feel her emotions, but more often than not, I am not sure where they originate.

“It's really, really stupid, so I don't want to tell you.”

“Nothing you could ever say or think or feel could be stupid.” Where would she get such a notion? She lets out a big sigh before she speaks. I wait.

“I was just thinking about the church, and you and me and what it would be like. You know, in the future. Whether you change me or not, I want to spend the rest of my time with you. Forever. I was just thinking that it feels a lot like marriage, which is crazy because I'm only seventeen, but I'm already tied to you for life. I was just thinking,” she says in a rush.

I thought the same thing more than once. That she tied herself to me without having a concept of what that meant. That I Claimed her without thinking about the consequences for the rest of her life. I made an impulsive decision out of fear of losing her. If I was human, I would marry her. I would have proposed a long time ago.

“It is something to think about,” I say.

She blinks at me. “What is?”

“Marriage.”

“For real? I didn't think you would care about something so trivial and human. I mean, we couldn't legally do it, could we?”

“Viktor could make up the papers and make them real. If you wanted.”

“I don't know,” she says, twisting her hands together. “I don't think my mother would approve. My dad would go ballistic. I was just thinking out loud.” She tries to dismiss it, but I won't let her. “I mean, you couldn't even say the vows right.”

“It wouldn't matter. I have already tied myself to you in other ways. What would one more bind mean? Just one more way I am connected with you. What is wrong with that?”

“I have to think about it. Not right now. Someday.” She pulls back, scared of the idea.

“Whatever you want, Ava, I will give to you.”

She makes a frustrated sound. “What I want is for you to be able to love. For you to know what it feels like when I look at you, and I feel like the world is ending and beginning at the same time.”

“I do feel that way.” Every second of every day.

“Then why hasn't it happened? It doesn't make sense. I feel like we're missing a piece of the puzzle.” It is possible that there is more to the bind than we thought, but I can't imagine what that could be.

Her phone buzzes again. Her father.

“Hey, Dad. No, I'm hanging out with Tex,” she says, the lie slipping easily from her lips. Her father asks her when she will be home.

“Soon. What's up?” We can both tell there is something in his voice that isn't good. Ava tenses, causing me to do so as well.

“I'm just worried about your mom. I called Dr. Young, but he doesn't seem concerned. Could you go to the pharmacy and get a prescription for her?” he says.

“Of course. You sure she's okay?”

“I'm doing everything he said to do, so we'll wait and see. If we have to, we can go to the hospital. Hopefully it's just a bug and it will pass.”

“Okay, I'll be home soon. Love you,” she says, adding the last part.

Sam hesitates before he says, “Love you, too,” and hangs up.

“You never know when the last time to say I love you is, so I've been making it a point to say it all the time. Just in case. I know we've had our issues, but Mom was right. We need to get over it so we can be there for each other.”

I help her off the hood of the car and she gets into the driver's seat.

“I love you, just so you know.”

“I do.”

I can acknowledge her feelings for me, I can be aware of them, I can revel in them, but I cannot share them. I hope Helena finds Di soon. I can sense that Claire is nearing her end, and I will not let Ava be alone during the aftermath. I want to be there for her, fully and completely.