I imagine Sean leaning down to kiss Aubry. He’d tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and graze her lips with his in a teasing whisper of a kiss. He’d smile against the skin of her neck while he whispered all the dirty things that he’d like to do to her when they’re alone. Maybe they’d get married, and he’d make love to her, filling her with babies, raising his family with the hard work and dedication I know he gives to everything he does.
My heart is pierced by my own thoughts.
The game continues, and the team switches into defense. I spot John and Reggie, and the triplets. The more physical the game gets, the harder it is for me to watch. The impacts they take to their bodies must bruise, and it breaks my heart. Those bodies were mine for a time. Those bodies were perfect and beautiful, and now they’re getting pummeled.
I don’t like this game. I don’t like the way they have to suffer for their passion. I hate the way Justin is getting the run around them. Justin’s team scores, and I want to scream. He doesn’t deserve to steal glory from my foster brothers. He should be forced to hide in their shadow.
Cathy is screaming her support, celebrating like a mad thing when they get closer to equalizing, but it’s only temporary. It’s as though the more fired up she gets, the worse her vitriol becomes.
Justin told me you were bad in bed. He said you just lay there and expected him to do all the work. He told me that he was thinking about me the whole time, wishing it was me there and not you.
I have no way of knowing if her words are true, but they still sting like the landing of a whip against tender skin.
He said you were desperate for him to stay with you. That you cried when you told him about the baby, and he tossed you out. I wish I’d seen that.
Even though I know that is nothing even close to the truth, I still flush with embarrassment. Is this what she’s spreading at college? I can never go back there.
“Come on!” Aubry shouts. She’s up and out of her seat, and so is her friend. All around me, they’re shouting the names of the men that had given me hope that my life could change.
The second quarter ends, and I feel a wave of nausea that beats anything I’ve ever felt before. I taste bitterness, and my mouth fills with saliva. I’m running from my seat in seconds, frantically scanning for the nearest bathroom. I don’t know how I make it, but I do. After, I wash my mouth out in the sink and pat my face with a paper towel.
In the mirror, my face is gaunt and tired. My skin seems pallid, and my eyes shadowed beneath by stripes of purply blue. When I glance down, my hands are shaking. I know that it’s partly from the shock of being sick, but that’s not the only reason. My racing heart is caused by adrenaline. Everything in me is screaming to run.
I could leave now. There must be an information desk here for me to find out about bus routes. I could get home before the boys and pack up my things. I could go back home and lock myself in my bedroom to hide from the world. It’s what I want to do because everything else seems too hard. But if my foster brothers come out and see my seat empty, they’ll worry. It’ll mess with their heads when they need to have all their focus on the game. I’m not a selfish person, and there is no way that I’d willfully do something that I know would hurt them that way. I want what’s best for them, whether it’s what’s best for me or not.
The walk back to my seat is filled with dread. I don’t check my phone anymore, just leave it in my purse. Cathy’s said enough.
Play continues, and I try to focus on my boys. I cheer along with Aubry and the rest of their friends. My heart is in my mouth as the scores keep edging upward, always too close to call. As Logan is pulled out, the crowd claps its appreciation, and when Sean is brought on in his place, the crowd roars enthusiastically. Aubry is right about his ass in those tight pants.
I try to forget all the self-doubt swirling in my head and concentrate on the game, and for a while, I achieve it. I find the reason that all these people are here cheering for these teams. When you care about the people playing football, it’s possible to get lost in their struggle for yards and their battle for a ball. It’s possible to get lost in the physical fury of it and the mind-bending skill.