God, those lips. They had, in fact, been wrapped around my cock the other day. She had this technique, a little quick flicker of her tongue along the tip when she drew back on my cock that was mind-blowing. I’d almost proclaimed my undying devotion when she’d done that.
Thoughts of Parker sucking me off pulled me through the song and the warm-up. But Jimmy, evil man that he was, knew perfectly well my mind had been elsewhere.
“You’ve lost your focus,” he grumped later when he was taping up my hands. I could do it myself, but he insisted on getting it just right. “It won’t serve you well in the ring.”
I stared down at my hands. They were softer now, not as battered. “I know. I can’t …” I shrugged, not wanting to admit it but trusting Jimmy enough to know that I had to. “I’m trying. But it’s difficult.”
He paused and peered at me. Small as a gnome and just as bent, Jimmy had always made me think he was part magic. Every guy he trained seemed to be that much better than the others. I was damn lucky to have him on my side.
“Your heart’s not into it.”
“Not like it was. I lost something when Jake …” I trailed off with a shake of my head.
Jimmy finished taping up my hands. “Saw the light die in your eyes that night too. Knew it was it for you.” He sat back on his heels and rubbed the salt-and-pepper stubble on his chin. “Look, lad, what you’re doing is a good thing. And if it gets you out from under the bank and that billionaire arsehole, then even better.”
I knew all this. I’d told Jimmy this. Strangely, it still felt good to hear. I nodded and flexed my hands, testing the tape. There was something comforting about being taped up, good and familiar.
I made two fists and stood.
Jimmy followed. His head came up to the bottom of my sternum. I felt oddly protective of the old guy, like maybe he too would someday be gone if I didn’t look out for him.
“So your heart’s not into it,” he said succinctly. “That’s a problem.”
“I know.” I just didn’t know what to do about this. The idea of losing chafed; I was too much of a competitor for it not to. The idea of losing in front of Parker was a humiliation I really couldn’t stomach. I wanted her to see the best of me, not some washed-up version. I wanted her to see what I could do.
Jimmy nodded as though he knew my thoughts. “You find something to fight for, be it your girl or your gym. Whatever it is, dig down and hold onto it, yeah?”
Something to fight for. Damn it, that was the thing that got to me. I’d fight for Parker, but she was mine. I felt it in my bones. Win or lose, she wouldn’t hold it against me. Sure, it’d be a disappointment if I lost but I wouldn’t lose her. That internal knowledge made it difficult for me to find the proper motivation there.
Fight for my gym? I’d been doing that all along. Why, then, was it so hard to get my blood up when it came to this match? Maybe because when I’d fought in the past, I’d fought for the joy of it, the thrill of the win. That had been enough for me. Now the joy was a pale copy of what it used to be.
Something to fight for. Fuck, I needed to figure this out.
Rolling my neck to work out the kinks, I managed to give Jimmy what I hoped was a reassuring look. “I’ll think about it.”
He snorted and muttered under his breath about boneheaded boxers. I smiled.
Jimmy glared around the gym. “Where’s Carlos?” He was my sparring partner. We were evenly matched for power, but I was faster. Carlos, however, was a tricky bastard who had a way of making me keep my head in the game or risk taking a hard hit to the face.
“Probably watching porn in the office,” I said, throwing Carlos under the bus.
Jimmy muttered more choice words and stomped off to get him. I didn’t say a word; I wasn’t fool enough to get between Jimmy and a tongue-lashing.
Snickering, I went to the small bag and worked it to keep warmed up.
Something to fight for?
I had the gym.
I had Dean.
And … Parker. I had Parker.
I should feel good about all that. Ecstatic, even. But there was still something off, something riding me. I needed … absolution. I needed to get all this weight of guilt and anxiety fully off my chest.
Sex with Parker had relieved a lot of tension. Being with her made me feel whole. But Parker couldn’t help with this particular brand of atonement. I couldn’t work this out by losing myself in her arms.