Then I stop myself. The world freezes over.
Once upon a time, Jay used to visit me in my dreams. I was never sure how he did it, other than it being a supernatural skill he had in his toolbox. Now I’m wondering if I can do the same. If I can concentrate hard enough in a dream state, if I can bring him into my dream.
So I focus all the energy that’s running through my veins, that same kind of white hot lightning that forms in the depths of me when I need to manipulate the space around me, punch holes through dimensions, fight baddies, and all that crazy shit.
But instead of bringing Jay to me, the scene in front of me starts to change. The house recedes, fading and fading, getting smaller and smaller, until another house appears. A ranch, blue, with a cactus garden out front. A house I’ve never seen before, though the more I try to focus on it, the blurrier it gets.
And then I realize what I’ve done. I haven’t brought Jay into my dream. I’ve brought myself to him.
Feeling no fear, only curiosity, I start walking toward the house, because this is real and yet it’s not real at the same time. The closer I get, the more real it becomes. I open the door and walk on in.
It looks like a typical house. There’s a living room to the left, a kitchen to the right, everything looks tidy, with some subtle southwestern décor, like terracotta pottery on the shelves and a Santa Fe style tapestry hanging from the wall.
I don’t think, I just let the energy take me, like I’m being pulled until I’m walking down a hall to a door.
I stare at it for a moment, giving myself a moment to think about what I’m about to do. I know it’s just a dream. But if Jay is in there like I think he is, then that might be real to him. More than a dream. And this will be the first time I’ve seen him since he left.
I take in a deep breath, even though there’s no air in this world, and I open the door.
Jay is standing in the middle of a bedroom, his back to me, facing a window that glows white. The walls of the room are black and it’s hard to tell if there are even walls at all or if it’s just endless space.
Everything inside me stills, like all that energy just froze on itself.
Just being in the same room as Jay makes me want to crumple to my knees. It takes everything to remain on my feet.
“You came,” Jay says, and his voice makes my heart lurch, tears rushing to my eyes.
Stay strong, I remind myself. You’re in control here.
“I was wondering when you would,” he continues, still staring out.
Something about that bothers me. My hackles raise despite myself. “Oh, so you assumed I’d try and find you in dreamland.”
“You’re stubborn,” he says, turning to face me. “That will never change.”
Fuck. He looks good. Too good. It’s not fair.
“It’s good to see you,” he adds, giving me a faint smile. I forgot that about him, how rarely he smiled, how damn serious he was.
“Where are we?” I manage to say.
“Arizona,” he says. “Just outside Tucson.”
“Oh.” I swallow. “So I assume this is your house?”
He nods. “I’m just renting it. Came fully furnished.”
“It’s nice. The décor.” Oh my god. I’m visiting him in my dream and we’re having small talk?
“Do you like it here?” I add to the small talk. I can’t help myself. This is awful. Everything about this is awful. Wrong. It shouldn’t be like this between us.
He shrugs. “The weather is nice,” he says slowly.
I walk toward him but stop in the middle of the room. “Why is your room like this?”
“It’s not really a room right now,” he says. “Your mind is manipulating it. Lucid dreamer.” He pauses. “I’m glad you came to see me.”
I cross my arms. “You seem overjoyed.”
Another stiff smile. “I’m trying to be on my best behavior, Ada.”
“What’s your worst behavior?”
He shakes his head. “Something I won’t indulge.”
The lump in my throat gets bigger. I try to swallow it down, tears burning behind my eyes. “Are we not even going to talk about this?”
“That would be my worst behavior. I’m sorry, Ada. I can’t. I have to stay focused.”
“On what?” I practically yell. “I’m right here in front of you!”
“You know you’re in my past now.”
My mouth drops open, my whole body reeling like I’ve been kicked in the stomach. “In your past? How can you just say that so callously? Do you have any idea what I’ve gone through? Do you have any feelings at all?”
“Ada,” he says patiently.
Fuck his patience. Fuck him for being able to so neatly and easily tuck me away into the past like that.