Hold the Forevers

“I don’t know,” I shouted, at the end of my rope. “I couldn’t say no to him.”

Ash staggered back a step. As if that were the worst possible thing I could have said. It was the exact answer he’d given me when we slept together after Cole dumped me in college. He’d said that he would never say no to me. And now, the words were a slap in the face.

“You couldn’t say no,” he said, all lethal calm.

“I’m still in love with him.”

Ash’s jaw set. He looked like I’d punched him. “You still love him?”

“I love you too.”

“You can’t love us both.”

“I know! I know I’m not supposed to, but I do. And I don’t know how to stop.”

Every word landed like a blow. I kept expecting him to throw me out. To tell me to get the fuck out of his house and he never wanted to see me again. That I’d done the unforgivable. That I should be alone and miserable.

But he didn’t say any of those things.

He stared at me, as if I’d reached my hand through his chest and wrenched out his heart.

“You’re never going to see him again,” he said finally.

“I know.”

“No, Lila, you’re never going to see him again.”

“I didn’t plan to see him this time.”

Ash glanced around his office, looking at everything but me. Until finally, his cool blue gaze found mine. “You love me?”

I nodded. “Yes. So much.”

“Then you’ll never see him again. We’ll cut him out of our lives, like severing an appendage where only the ghost of the pain remains.” Ash stepped forward and pulled me against him. I went in willingly but in shock. I’d never thought he’d touch me again. “And then you’ll be mine, just mine.”

“Ash,” I whispered.

I was so confused. How could he want me at all after this? How could he be saying these words?

“I love you, Lila. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted. I’m not going to let him take you from me.”

“What are you saying?” I asked, looking up at him through my tears. “I thought you’d hate me.”

“I’m furious. I want to kill him. But I don’t want to lose you either.”

“You can’t possibly forgive me.”

“No,” he agreed. “No, I don’t, but we can get through this.”

My heart panged at the words. I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that we could move on. That what had happened could be put behind us. That we’d have a rough few months, and then we’d move on and be happy. That I could love Ash forever and never see or think about Cole again.

But that thought left me breathless and nauseated. It was impossible. Impossible to think that I would move on from Cole. It had been years, and my heart still beat for him. It still knew him as mine.

And worse, I knew that Ash forgiving and forgetting was just as impossible. It would be torture. An earned torture but one nonetheless. One that neither of us should have to endure. We shouldn’t have to feel this pain and see each other every day as we went through it. It would never heal. It would be a scab that we kept picking at, festering with the anger and betrayal.

“No,” I whispered.

Ash frowned. “No?”

“I can’t do this.”

“Lila?”

I stepped away from him. “I can’t stay here. I hurt you. I betrayed you. It’d be so easy to try to pretend that it hadn’t happened and forget about Cole. But we can’t pretend, Ash. The pain will spread like an infection, and we can’t treat it by staying together and hoping for the best.”

“I know that I’m mad now, Lila, but we’ll work this out,” he said. Fear crept into his voice, as if he was realizing for the first time that this might really be the end.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it.”

Tears were coming again, and this time, I didn’t wait to let him convince me otherwise. Because I knew he could do it. I knew that he could ply me with I love yous and I’d eventually cave. I loved him so much, and I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay with him here forever and find happiness again. But it wouldn’t happen. And I couldn’t pretend like it would.

I scooped up Sunny and headed for the door.

Ash chased me all the way to my car.

“Don’t do this,” he begged. “I love you.”

“I know. I’m doing this because I love you.”

“That makes no sense. I don’t care about what happened. We can get past it.”

“You don’t care? You should care. I can’t do this, Ash. I’m sorry.”

I extracted myself from his grip, slowly, one finger at a time. I pressed one more careful kiss to his lips. A good-bye that I hated saying. Then I climbed into my car and drove away from my forever.