‘Just a little tired.’ She smiled, hoping he wouldn’t notice how plastic a gesture it was. Her face felt as stiff as a mask, her skin drawn too tightly over her bones.
She spent the afternoon with the girls. Emma was growing up quickly and both of them now called her ‘Mummy’ quite naturally. How would they react to another upheaval in their lives? How would she feel if Joel took them away from her? Tears stung her eyes, and she blinked them away, but not before Louise’s sharp eyes had spotted them. ‘You’re crying,’ she accused, and watching the apprehension dawn in the childishly rounded eyes, Lissa sought to reassure her. ‘No, I’ve just got something in my eye,’ she fibbed, distracting her attention, but reaching for one of their colourful nursery books and offering to read to them.
It was Mrs Fuller’s evening off, and suspecting that it would be some time before Joel returned—after all he and Marisa would have a good deal to talk about—Lissa ate with the girls.
Once they were in bed she wandered restlessly round the sitting room switching on the television but too tense to really watch it.
It was just gone eight when Joel walked in. He looked tired … almost to the point of exhaustion, she thought as he sank down into a chair.
When she asked him what he wanted to eat he shook his head. ‘I ate with Marisa.’ He was curt and withdrawn, and although she longed to reach out to him … to help him, Lissa admitted with a surge of bitterness that comfort from her was not what he wanted.
His silent, withdrawn mood lasted for several days and then one night just as Lissa was preparing for bed, he walked into their room and said abruptly, ‘Lissa, I have to talk to you.’
This was it! The moment she had been dreading ever since Marisa told her she had left her husband. If she was any sort of woman at all Lissa thought bitterly, she herself would have already faced Joel and had the pride to tell him that she was leaving, but she had just not been able to do it.
She had already showered and was in her nightdress, and at the cold shiver of apprehension that ran through her body Joel frowned, reaching for his own robe which he handed to her, with a curt, ‘You’re cold, put this on.’
The scent of him clung to the fine silk, making her shiver more.
She hadn’t missed the way he had recoiled from her when their hands had accidentally made contact.
‘Lissa, we can’t go on as we are doing at present.’ He had his back to her, and she was bitterly conscious of the tension inside him. One half of her, because she loved him, sympathised with the agony he was going through the other half, again because she loved him urged her to cover her ears, to shut out whatever painful truths he was now going to tell her.
‘It isn’t fair on you and it isn’t fair on the girls …’ His words made her mouth tighten bitterly. Whatever she had thought him she had never considered him the sort of man who would make excuses … avoid the truth. What he should be saying was that he could no longer endure living with her and not with Marisa, but she didn’t interrupt him.
‘I know we said we’d make a fresh start—but then I didn’t realise …’ He turned towards her and the white torment of his face shocked her. Instinctively she stepped towards him intent only on comforting him, immediately falling back as she saw the shutters come down, blocking her out, warning her against going to him.
‘Well that doesn’t matter … what I’m trying to say to you is that for all our sakes, I’ve decided it would be best if we lived apart. I want you and the girls to stay here. I’ll move out … and of course I’ll continue to see the girls … and … and our child …’
‘Just as long as you don’t have to see me as well,’ Lissa managed huskily, turning away from him so that he wouldn’t see her tears.
‘For God’s sake don’t make this harder for me than it already is!’ She could feel the anguish within him, see it as his body literally shook with tension. His face was white and drawn, his eyes glittering febrilely.
What could she say? How could she plead with him to stay when she knew that he didn’t love her.
‘I know this whole situation is my fault,’ he said bitterly. ‘I’m the one who carries all the blame. I forced you into marriage with me. I was arrogant and stupid enough then to think I could make it work. I was even arrogant enough to believe that I could—’ He broke off and stared into space for several seconds before demanding huskily, ‘Just tell me one thing Lissa, that first time I made love to you … I
…’
‘You were acting on purely humane grounds?’ Lissa supplied for him emotionlessly. ‘You were trying to make me feel like a woman and not a child because you felt you had some sort of responsibility towards me? Yes, Joel I realise all that.’
For a moment there was silence and then he asked jerkily, as though unable to suppress the question, ‘And did I Lissa … did I make you feel like a woman?’
She could see that he was suffering and all her love for him welled up inside her. ‘Yes,’ she admitted softly. ‘Yes, Joel you did.’
She moved towards him again and he stepped back awkwardly, the first movement she had ever seen him make that wasn’t completely coordinated. ‘For God’s sake don’t touch me.’ The harsh demand splintered her self-control, wiping her face clean of the mask of calmness she had assumed; pain registering in her eyes, her fingers curling closed as she cringed back from him and stumbled towards the door.
‘Lissa. No … no …!’ Joel reached the door before her, his arm barring her flight. ‘I’m sorry …’ He leaned against the door and dropped his head into his hands. ‘I didn’t mean … don’t look at me like that. I’m sorry … It’s all my fault, but I genuinely did think we could make it work. I knew when I married you that you didn’t love me, but I felt sure there was some spark of desire … something we could build on, and then when I discovered the truth … It was arrogant and unforgivable of me to believe that because I was your first lover I could use that to tie you to me. Look …’ He straightened up and looked at her. ‘I can’t take any more right now. These last weeks … living with you, sleeping next to you at night …’ A slow shudder tore through his body. ‘I just can’t do it any more. If I stay there’s no way I’m going to be able to stop myself from making love to you … no way at all.’
Lissa stared at him unable to believe her ears. Joel was saying he wanted her? But he loved Marisa, an inner voice warned her. She ignored it, filled with sudden feminine power, moving towards him until she was close enough to touch him, placing her palms against his chest, feeling the uneven drum-beat of his heart.
‘Lissa.’ He groaned her name, burying his face in her hair, his arms coming round her, imprisoning her against his body. His mouth found her throat and explored the satin soft skin roughly, passion bringing a hectic throb to his pulse. He raised his head reluctantly and looked at her, his eyes glittering fiercely. ‘I want you Lissa,’ he told her rawly, ‘and if you don’t stop me now … If you don’t send me away, there’s no way I’m going to be able to stop myself from touching you. For years I’ve wanted you … alternated between desire and dislike for you. Did you know that?’
Lissa shook her head, quivering as his mouth feathered across her cheek and touched the corner of her own.
‘We hardly ever saw one another,’ she managed to croak, unable to believe what she was hearing.
Joel laughed harshly. ‘Because I took great care that we should not. It appalled me that I should be attracted to you, especially knowing what I did about you. Me … a man of going on twenty-three had fallen head over heels in love with a promiscuous child of fifteen.’