The Crush

“Yeah. I get that.”

I hesitated. “She seems to think my feelings for you are…unhealthy. She called them obsessive.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Do you believe that?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s bullshit, Farrah. You’re attracted to me because it’s human nature to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex who you also have a deep history with and get along with. There’s nothing unhealthy about that. Don’t let her make you believe it’s wrong to feel those things.”

“I’m surprised to hear you say that. I thought you felt what was happening between us was wrong.”

He shook his head. “While it might be wrong to act on it, there’s nothing wrong with how we feel. We can’t help that. Wanting you feels very natural to me, even if nothing can happen.”

While his words were validating, it also sucked to hear him once again reiterate the fact that nothing could happen between us.

“Colton thought you were a real douche today.”

“Good. Let that be a warning to him. If he ever tries to hurt you, I’ll be his biggest fucking nightmare.”

We shared a smile.

“He’s…really nice. I just can’t seem to relax enough to let things progress.” I paused. “We haven’t…had sex or anything.”

He swallowed. “You don’t want to?”

“I guess my head isn’t in the right place to start that with him right now.”

He sucked some air in, then let it out. “Are you going to introduce him to Nathan?”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“I’m gonna make sure I’m front and center with some popcorn when it happens.” He chuckled.

“Thanks a lot.” I laughed.

“Seriously, though, Farrah, if you’re happy, I’m happy. Please don’t think you have to avoid me, or that you can’t count on me.”

“I haven’t felt that way. I know you care about me no matter what. And I respect you not wanting to risk hurting me or Nathan. I just wish…”

“Wish what?”

“That I didn’t still have these feelings.”

The moonlight shone in his eyes as he stared straight through me. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Are your feelings for me…” He chewed on his lip. “Are they what’s keeping you from moving forward with this guy?”

It was impossible to look him in the face and deny it. “I think so.”

Jace closed his eyes briefly as he took in my admission.

“How come you’re not with anyone tonight?” I asked.

“What do you think—that I’m with a different woman every night or something? That’s not how it is.”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“I’m not. I haven’t been with anyone in over three weeks.”

“Since we kissed?”

He nodded.

“Why?”

“Because you’re not the only one who’s fucked-up by it, Farrah.”

“I guess I figured you’d still be out…doing what you do…regardless.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I can’t compartmentalize as well as you might have thought.”

“Are you saying what you feel for me is more than just sexual?”

“Of course, it is. Why do you even have to ask that?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I don’t really understand how you see me.”

“You don’t understand how I see you?” His voice grew louder. “I see you as kind, loving, caring, hardworking…and beautiful. There’s absolutely nothing not to like about you, Farrah.” He stared off. “I haven’t been able to look Nathan in the eyes—even still. That’s why I stayed at my parents’ for a while. I don’t know what to do with this energy between us. It’s easy to say we’re just going to forget about it, but it’s not so easy when I’m around you.”

“Tell me about it.”

I couldn’t believe he was opening up like this. But as he closed his eyes, again looking tormented, I had a hunch there was something more.

“Is everything else okay? You seem down, in general, tonight. When I came in, you were already deep in thought. Does it have to do with Muldoon?”

He shook his head. “Everything is great at work, actually. We got the loan. So that’s not it.” He paused. “I’ve been having to take Lincoln Road home every day because there’s some construction going on. There’s a detour.”

My heart sank. “Oh…”

“Every time I drive by, the flashbacks hit me like a ton of bricks. But I refuse to find another way home because I have to face these feelings at some point. I’ve never been good at dealing with them.”

It broke my heart that he’d been keeping this inside. “I’ve said it to you before, but you know you can talk to me about it anytime, right? I can handle it.”

His eyes glistened. “If I can talk to anyone about it, it’s you. Not Nathan. But I can’t get myself there yet. That doesn’t mean it’s not constantly on my mind. You can’t escape your thoughts. Part of the reason I didn’t hesitate to move back here is because I felt it would do me some good to finally face all the things I’ve been running from.”

“I’m proud of you for driving by there, even though it’s painful.”