The Crush

Having lots of sex.

My stare must have lingered on her a few seconds too long, because when my gaze moved over to Nathan, his eyes met mine.

• • •

That night, Farrah took off a half hour before I did to head to Kellianne’s.

Later, I met up with her in the parking lot outside her friend’s apartment.

As soon as she stepped into my truck, I confessed what had been weighing on me the entire ride over.

“Your brother caught me staring at you tonight.”

She closed the door and put on her seatbelt. “What do you mean?”

“I was looking at you toward the end of the movie, just thinking about how beautiful you are, how happy you make me…and I got lost in thought. I looked over at Nathan, and he was glaring at me. He’d been watching me, watching you. God knows how long I’d been doing it. He gave me a look. It was obvious. He knows something, Farrah. He probably thinks I just have a crush. I don’t think he suspects anything more. But still. I felt like he was on to me. And you know the most surprising thing?”

“What?”

“How little I cared.” I grabbed her hand. “I’m starting to feel resentful. There he was today, enjoying his life with a woman he cares about, and I can’t be with the one I care about because it might…what? Hurt his feelings? Meanwhile, he’s happy, and I’m miserable.”

Farrah squeezed my hand tightly. “What are you saying?”

I looked down at our joined fingers. “I’m saying…maybe we need to tell him.”

Her eyes went wide. “Really?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“I think…the past two weeks have changed things. I feel closer to you than I ever imagined, and can’t see myself walking away from this. I don’t want to hurt my brother. But…I don’t want to lose you more.”

I nodded. “There’s no way I can give you up, Farrah. No way. Nice try on my part, attempting to convince myself of that long enough to bite the bullet with you, but it was all bullshit.”

Her eyes filled with hope. “Never thought I’d hear you say that. I feel the same way.”

I finally started the truck and took off down the road. Still lost in my head over how to handle what felt like an impossible situation, I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was going and ended up driving down the road where Farrah’s parents had been killed.

She shocked me when she said, “Can you stop here?”

It had been a long day, and all I wanted was to get to the hotel. But I couldn’t deny her request.

I slowed down. “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

The road was adjacent to an empty field. I pulled over onto the grass, and we both got out.

“Show me the exact spot where it happened,” she said.

Every muscle in my body clenched. Reliving the most traumatic moment of my life wasn’t something I’d expected to have to do tonight. But I’d do anything for her, even if it meant having to suffer through it.

She held my hand as I led her to where I remembered her father’s truck being parked that day.

Feeling nauseous, I stopped. “It was right about here.”

We stood together at the side of the road as a few cars whizzed by. I watched Farrah close her eyes and fall into an almost meditative state. So many emotions swirled through me. Most of all: guilt. She didn’t know the full story of what had happened. In fact, if she did, she likely wouldn’t want to be with me. Being here was a reminder of why the right thing to do would have been to let her go. It was too late for that, unfortunately.

“I can feel them here,” she said. “I can feel their presence. It’s amazing.” She opened her eyes and looked at me. “I feel like they can see us, too.”

My stomach churned. I knew in my heart that Farrah’s parents wouldn’t want us together if they were able to see us right now. I could only hope they were somehow able to forgive me. And I hoped I could garner the courage one day to tell Farrah exactly what had happened.

She reached for me, pulling me close before placing her head on my racing heart.

“I want you to let go of the pain, Jace.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding since practically the moment we stopped here. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“I know you live with survivor’s guilt. It’s time to work on letting it go. I want to help. I think we need to come here often, spend time and habituate to the pain. We can get each other through it. My therapist actually recommended this very thing, but I don’t think I can do it alone. I want you with me.”