Up until the past week, my life had been pretty good. After a couple of years of feeling lost, I’d pushed myself to move on, and I’d managed to escape into a comfortable life with Kaia in the past year. She and I had met through a mutual friend. I cared for her, but it was getting to the point where she wanted more of a commitment from me, and I’d yet to take that step. We’d been discussing moving in together, but I kept putting it off.
After Dad called to tell me about my mother, Kaia insisted on coming to Palm Creek with me. When she sensed my extreme discomfort, she grilled me until I finally came clean on the circumstances under which I’d left town three years ago. I told her about everything—from the shooting to my relationship with Farrah and the fallout with Nathan.
The drive down here from Charlotte had been tense. Kaia kept wanting to talk, analyzing everything I’d confessed. Meanwhile, I was numb because—for fuck’s sake—my mother had just died; I didn’t have the mental energy to analyze anything.
Kaia believed I must have unresolved feelings for Farrah. It didn’t take a scientist to figure that out. Still, I refused to acknowledge how I felt, because from the day I left, I’d done everything in my power to block out the mess I’d made, which meant trying to forget Farrah. I hadn’t felt anything in three years. And now with my mother gone, I had bigger things to do than dig up old pain. But damn if my chest didn’t ache after seeing Farrah again. All of the feelings I’d buried seemed to smack me in the face at once.
My mind was all over the place as I stared blankly at Kaia from across our table at the restaurant. Someone finally figured out our waitress was MIA and came around to take our order. She brought us two waters and placed a pot of hot tea in the center of the table. Kaia ordered the teriyaki chicken. My brain was too fried to think about what I wanted—not to mention that I had no appetite—so I told the waitress to bring me the same thing.
Kaia poured some tea, and instead of drinking it, she stared down into the steaming cup. She tapped her fingers along the porcelain. “Listen, I’ve been thinking a lot about this…and after what happened just now, I feel even more strongly about it.”
I’d started to pour some tea but stopped. “What?”
“I think we need to take a break.”
“You’re breaking up with me…”
“No. Not exactly. I just think you need to figure out all the shit that’s keeping you from being able to move on. And I think you need to do it without being tied down.” Her eyes became watery. “I love you. But I realize now that there’s a lot you haven’t dealt with. Until you do, I’m not sure you can ever be the man I need.”
“You don’t think that sounds like you’re breaking up with me?”
“Well, it’s not a breakup. But it’s a break. A separation. I won’t blame you for anything that happens while you’re figuring shit out here. Do what you need to do. But if you come back to me, your baggage can’t come with you.”
What exactly did she want me to figure out? “There’s nothing for me to figure out here other than taking care of my father for a while.”
“That’s not how I see it. Especially not after what happened just now.” She took a long sip of her tea. “Look, you can’t even tell me when you’re coming back to Charlotte. I understand you need to stay here for a while for your dad, but I also think you need to deal with the other stuff you’re running from.” She paused. “As much as I love you, I have to let you go right now.”
I wasn’t sure how to feel. Disappointed? Relieved? I was basically numb.
Kaia’s last boyfriend had left her to go back to his ex-wife. So I could understand her fear when it came to unfinished feelings for an ex.
I nodded. “If that’s what you feel you need to do, I’m not going to try to stop you.”
Our food arrived, interrupting the conversation at the worst possible moment.
We began to eat in silence.
Even though taking a break had been her decision, she seemed upset. I think she might’ve expected me to put up more of a fight. But that was never gonna happen. This week had sucked the fight right out of me.
• • •
My father sat alone in the living room when I returned to the house that night. He had only a small lamp on, so the majority of the house was dark. So goddamn depressing.
“Old man, it’s me.” I threw my keys down on a table.