"I basically handed you happiness on a platter!"
With a groan, I hung my head in my hands.
"And how do you thank me? You let her just walk away."
"She's already gone?" I jumped up from my seat. "But how did she get on a boat so fast? How—"
The slap sounded like a crack of thunder. Did she? Had I just been slapped by Grandma?
Jake winced as if he knew firsthand how hard that eighty-six-year-old woman could hit and took a protective stance, covering his man parts. Yeah, I'd probably never father children. That slap killed sperm; it made my balls recoil so far into my body I was pretty sure I would walk funny for at least a week.
"You. Are. A. Jack. Ass. Jack. Ass!" Grandma shouted.
More laughing from Jake.
"You're worse than Shit!"
Jakes laughter turned to confusion.
"She means the donkey," I explained.
"Was your plan just to let her walk away when things got too hard? When things got difficult? Now look what you've done! All my hard work, for nothing! I flew your parents here. I staged your wedding! I dropped crumbs every few minutes so that you'd follow the trail, and what do you do?"
"I crapped on the trail?" I offered lamely.
"You did worse than that."
"I really don't know what could be worse than crapping on the crumbs you're supposed to be eating," Jake said.
"Not now, Jake!" Grandma shouted.
"Someone crapped in trail mix?" came a gargled voice from the bed.
"Char!" Grandma wailed.
Char closed her eyes and ducked under the covers.
"Char!" Grandma tried again.
"What?" Char sighed.
"You can't let Beth leave."
"She's leaving?" Char jumped out of bed. "Why? What happened? The plan was working perfectly!"
"YOU KNEW?" I yelled.
"Whoa!" Jake held up his hands. "Don't get your panties all twisted. We all knew. Well, I mean, we knew once Grandma told us, and to be fair, Travis has known since the airport, but since he's a selfish bastard, he figured if Grandma concentrated on you guys, she wouldn't be texting him every five minutes asking if Kacey's pregnant yet."
"Nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm and encouragement." Grandma sniffled.
"No offense, Grandma," Jake rolled his eyes, "but having your eighty-six-year-old grandmother texting you about sexual positions kinda kills whatever enthusiasm said grandson may be experiencing. It's like sword fighting with noodles. Nobody's going to get poked, and you'll sure as hell get bored real fast."
"Noodles?" Char smacked Jake on the arm. "You're comparing sex to noodles?"
"Keep up!" Grandma stomped. "We have to fix what Jace ruined."
"I can fix it," I raised my hand, "if one of you or all of you tell me what the hell is going on."