Shaking, Jake closed his eyes and murmured a curse. Why was this so damn hard? Maybe it was because it was the first time he’d said everything out loud, and it was to someone he actually cared about, someone he loved. And in baring his soul, he realized how terrifying it was to actually love another person. In loving someone you gave them all the power to hurt you, to reject you. And he knew, deep down that the minute he revealed who he truly was, the mask would slip, and it would just be him, Jake Titus, a broken man. In the end, would she still want him? Or leave him the way he deserved?
“In college,” he continued, “Kace and I were inseparable. I know you know the entire sordid story. I mean, I’m pretty sure it was you who continued to send me nasty text messages for an entire year from an unknown number.”
Char laughed.
“Right.” Jake grinned. “We slept together in college… but that night. Shit, I knew what I was doing. I told her I was young and stupid, but a guy knows. I just didn’t care. I knew it would change us, I knew it would change her, but I still wanted it. I still wanted her even though I knew it wouldn’t move past that night. I think in the back of my mind I always knew we were better as friends. Bill had told me over and over again that guys and girls couldn’t be friends. I think he was warning me that, no matter what, hormones take over. And when you mix alcohol with hormones, well…” Hell, he hated telling her this part. “Kacey doesn’t remember much, but I do.”
“What do you mean?” Char asked in a small voice.
Well, here went nothing. “We drank the same amount, but she’s so much smaller than me, she remembers having sex, she remembers it being awkward, but I don’t think she remembers crying. Or the fact that about halfway through she asked me to stop, she said she didn’t want to disappoint her dad…”
Char turned to face him. “You didn’t stop, did you?”
“No.” Jake almost choked on the word. “I told her it was fine, that it was normal to be afraid. I…” Jake closed his eyes. “I told her I loved her. And that since I loved her it was okay.”
“And then you left.” Char finished the story.
“Like the ass I was. I left.” Jake sighed. “I left her dorm and went straight to a sorority house. I felt so damn guilty I just wanted to be numb; I wanted to disappear into it. So I drank my ass off, woke up in some other girl’s bed, and then found out a few hours later that at the exact time I was betraying Kacey and her father… her parents had both died in the accident.”
They were silent for a few minutes, until Jake added, “The worst part? It was a crossroads of sorts. I could have easily run to her, asked for her forgiveness, mourned with her. Hell, I could have been the friend she deserved. Instead, I blamed myself. I felt like it was my fault they died, that if I could have just stopped when she asked, they would still be alive.”
“Jake.” Char cupped his face. “That’s a lie and you know it. You couldn’t have prevented that by your actions, just like you couldn’t have caused it.”
“I think I know that now.” Jake said. “But I still felt like shit, it always haunted me, and honestly it was just too easy to ignore it, to embrace the mentality that I could live hard and do whatever. I wanted to be as far away from Kacey and everything she represented as I could.”
“She trusted you with her heart—”
“And I broke it.” Jake finished. “Into a million tiny pieces. And when given the chance to fix it, I stepped on the pieces, pushing them farther into the ground, destroying everything our friendship was.”
Char was staring at his chest, not moving.
“What are you thinking?” He whispered, knowing full well he sounded like a woman, but not caring in the least.
“I’m sad for you.” Char trailed her finger down his chest. “I’m sad for that fourteen-year–
old boy who’s still struggling to be the man he knows he’s supposed to be.”
“I am.” Jake reached for her face. “I am that man. I want to be that man. You make me want to be him.”
Char looked into his eyes, searching, waiting.
“Travis gave me something today.” He gently moved her away and walked over to the dresser; he opened the first drawer and pulled out the note.
“What’s this?” She took it from his hands.
“A note, from Bill.”
At Char’s gasp, Jake kept talking. “Travis was under strict instructions to give it to me under one condition.”
“What?”
“I fall in love.”
The letter dropped from Char’s hands and fluttered onto the floor. “Do you mean it?”
In two strides, Jake was in front of her. He lifted her into his arms and kissed her mouth, drinking every part of her in. “I do, I love you, and I’m sorry that I come with baggage. I’m sorry I have a past, I’m sorry I kissed a girl and made her cry, I’m sorry that the girl I made cry was you, I’m sorry I haven’t been the man I was created to be, but with you, Char…” Another hungry kiss. “I am him. You make me him, because you make me believe I can be.”
Char nodded as a few tears streamed down her face. “What’s it say?” She pointed down at the note.