Always Us (Always and Forever 2)

“Want a minute alone?” Kathy questions. I debate it for a long minute. Enough people in my damn life have seen me a broken wreck. Eyeing her over, I decide I need her to be there with us, as a family, for the first time since we lost him.

“No, I want you with me.” A warm smile graces her lips.

“Of course. Let’s go.” Climbing out, we walk over to his headstone. Fresh flowers lay around it, telling me that Kathy has been here often to see him, making my gut turn with a tinge of guilt. I should’ve come here sooner, but I needed to do that on my own time, when I was ready.

“Pops. Dad. Hey.” I pause, talking to his headstone feels surprisingly good.

“I miss you, Dad.” Damn it, I want to stay strong.

I sit down in front of his headstone, Kathy takes a seat next to me, rubbing my shoulder as I talk. Kathy doesn’t know about the pregnancy, I wanted to tell both her and Pops at the same time.

“I have a ton of things to tell you. Some great news and some not so good news. Gwen came back, she played nice, told me she wanted to make everything between us right again. I was so vulnerable when you passed that I let her in, like no time passed at all. I feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, we talked about this, baby,” Kathy interrupts, squeezing my shoulder tight.

I give her a sideways smirk then go about my conversation. “Well, just when I thought we were rounding a corner, she lied, tried to come between Shayla and me. Nearly did if Shay and I didn’t have the bond that we do.”

There’s so much truth to that. Shayla and I have an extensive history. I feel like sometimes I know her in and out better than I even know myself and vice versa.

“It’s almost as if Shayla and I are living for each other, breathing in sync to keep each other alive.” Kathy is choking up, I can hear the small sniffs and deep, shaky breaths she takes in.

“I wanted to say I was hurt more when Gwen left again, but honestly, I didn’t. I didn’t feel sad that she left, I felt disappointed that she came back to try and destroy the one last great thing in my life. Kathy helped me realize that. I thought it was her that I was sad to lose, but really it was the thought that she tried to rid me of Shayla that killed me. I guess I’m here to tell you that I’m not holding onto that anymore. I’ve let go of Gwen and all the things she put you and I through. I have Shayla to thank for that—Kathy, too.”

I steal a quick look at Kathy and catch her smiling at my dad’s headstone, her hand is holding mine tightly on my thigh, squeezing and releasing any time one of her tears fall. I can’t imagine what she feels. The thought that one day Shayla may have to go on without me or me without her doesn’t just cause me sorrow, it riptides my heart, tugging it down with the weight of worlds. I could never live without Shayla.

Kathy has to spend every day mourning the loss of her best friend, her husband, her other half. I feel selfish sometim

es to know that while I miss my dad with every fucking fiber and pumping ounce of blood in my body, I have Shayla to bring me comfort and hope for a better tomorrow. My mom says she has me, but I’ve been hiding away for the past few months since my father’s passing. I haven’t even taken time to truly ask her how she is, ask if she is surviving it or just handling it.

“Mom, you sure you want to do this?” I ask, bringing her hand to my lips, kissing the back of it.

“Yes, baby, I want to be here, I’m happy, these are happy tears. I love seeing you open up to your dad. Brings me solace.” Such a strong woman to be able to sit here with me, a son she never planned but took me in like she needed. Sitting here for the first time with Pops, her lost love. I feel grateful to have been able to witness their love firsthand. I never realized, because I was so damn selfish and blind, how much love they showed me and in front of me.

All the ways I love Shayla are all the ways that they taught me. I was just too in denial to see it then.

“Hey, I have something to tell you both.” I pause, dropping her hand back to my knee. “Mom, Dad… Shayla and I aren’t just getting married.” I pause again, keeping my eyes locked in on Kathy. “We’re going to be a family. Shay’s pregnant…with twins.” Kathy’s mouth drops open, her eyes never blinking or moving from me. I give her a minute to soak in the information and wait for her to get her brain cells going again. I smirk when she blinks and shakes her head in disbelief.

“What?” I swear I feel an easy calm come over me when a light breeze passes and the crisp warm air glides across my skin. Pops is here, I can feel it.

“Yes, we’re pregnant, Shayla’s pregnant,” I expand.

“Oh my God! Son! That’s wonderful! I thought she couldn’t! Oh wow! I mean this is crazy exciting!” She wraps her arms around me, and I smile.

“So I take it you’re not upset with me? I mean, babies before marriage.” She pulls back and shakes her head.

“I wish you would’ve waited until marriage, but that’s a trivial mother’s dream in this day and age. Besides, you get married next week, so technically it doesn’t matter! Oh, baby!” Grabbing my face between her hands, she plants a kiss on my cheek. “You’re going to be a daddy, your father would be over the moon right now.” I look back to his headstone, bringing me back to the reason we’re here.

“I know, I can feel his pride all the way back down here.” I look up to the sky and smile; my heart feels so much lighter than before. There’s a calm that comes with healing a loss. The comfort in knowing that it’ll always be present in your mind, the loss, but the hurt may subside and you can find beauty in their memory.

“I guess we need to get back to Shayla, I need to tell that girl congratulations on mommy hood, it’s the best feeling in the world! I love being your mom.”

“I love being your son.” I stand, helping her up. Today we shared a great evening as a family. How blessed am I?

“Hey, take the keys and start the car, I’ll be just a second.” She takes my hint, giving me a minute alone with Pops.

“Sure, baby, take your time.” Leaving me, I wait until she’s out of earshot and turn my focus back on Pops. I kiss my hand and place it on the headstone.

“Pops, I’m sorry you weren’t here to see me move on, see me do all the things a father should see his son do. But I’m happy. Shayla has made me whole, Dad, I’m healing. Please know that.” I close my eyes and try to soak in all the things around me. The sounds, the smell, the feelings so I never forget this.