“No Lana, you pushed me too far today. You’ve been hiding our child from me.” Lana stares at me for what feels like small eternities before finally getting out. I need to get the hell out of here and clear up some shit. I have never once felt so betrayed by her—by my best friend.
“Lana.” She dips back down looking at me, hopeful with swollen red eyes. “For the record, this isn’t me leaving you, this is you pushing me away.” She chokes out another sob and shuts the door. I watch her clear the door to the apartments then I speed off.
I listen to loud, eardrum bursting rock while I drive around town, getting trapped in my own head while I dissect piece by piece what the hell just happened. My mind is going round and round like a merry go round and I can’t get it to stop. Filtering through anger, hurt, confusion—so much more. My heart in my chest pounds slow and deep, never truly calming. I debate going to my dad’s, running away, like a little bitch, but I am stopped and pulled in a different direction when I see a Target.
Fucking Target.
Parking, I jump out and wander into the store. Not entirely sure what the hell I am doing in a Target filled with rage—with hurt, but my body moves like it’s being controlled by someone else. I keep walking around aimlessly, not sure where my body is going, not sure where my mind is directing it until I’m smack dab in the middle of the fucking baby section.
I’m surrounded by baby clothes, strollers, fucking breast pumps. Holy hell, what is all this? What is it for? How will I be ready to be a father?
I’m gonna be a fucking dad.
My eyes roam over the strollers causing a breathtaking vision of Lana pushing a baby girl with her gorgeous eyes and dimpled smile. My heart settles, it finally calms the hell down enough to rationalize and truly analyze everything that I’ve just learned.
How could she do this to me? I mean I’m scared to be a dad, but it’s not even her getting pregnant that I’m upset about, it’s the lies. We’ve never lied to each other, in the fourteen years we’ve been friends, we have never lied to one another. What gives? Am I really the type of man she fears? I know I’m cocky, I know I’m smug—Shit, I know I’m controlling. But my obsession with her would never lead me down a road where she would ever be hurt. Her fear should be swallowed whole especially because it’s surmountable by unconditional love.
I make it to the diaper aisle and I see the prices for one box. Holy fuck, babies are thieves, that shit’s expensive. Good thing I can afford it. Affording a baby, that’s a weird thought. I mean that’s just their shit holders, imagine all the other things, formula, baby wipes, clothes.
What if I’m a terrible dad? What if I’m not good enough to raise a being who’s as perfect as their mother? Even though she lied and even though she pushes me away and drives me crazy, Lana’s perfect, she’s all I’ve ever known—all I have ever loved.
I see the pink clothes and see Lana as a beautiful baby, so innocent and kind. Then I see the blue and think of me when I was little, dirty and stubborn. I step back and see the life with Lana where we have beautiful children. I see her wearing my ring, round with another baby, surrounded by a ton of our children. Fuck I wanna give her thousands of babies, I want to build a whole new town with just our family. I want to be the father of all our little rugrats. Grabbing multiple items I head to the checkout stand. I knew this night was far from over, I still need to get home to L and fix this shit.
Tonight’s the night, tonight she’s gonna let me have her as mine—for good.
I throw up for the third time tonight. Kingston left me an hour ago and between pregnancy sickness and the horrible way Kings and I left things, I can’t even keep water down. I deserved him leaving like that. The blunt words he left me with still resonate. He didn’t leave, I pushed him away.
Stepping into my bedroom I go to my dresser and open the bottom drawer finding my box of pictured memories. Carrying it with me to the living room I sit on the plush rug and open the square box in my lap. The first thing I see is a picture of Shayla and me on the day we got the keys to our boutique. The day we became proud owners of CC Chic.
“You better not drop that box, Kings, it has all the lightbulbs,” I warn stepping down from the ladder.
“What, you mean this one?” He lets the box slip close enough to the floor that I shrie
k and right before it hits the floor he catches it.
“Smartass! You can be such an asshat, you know that?” My feet hit the floor and I slap his arm.
“Yeah, I can. It’s a God given gift to be this good looking and still be fucking hilarious.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
“I don’t need to, you do it for me, baby.” Winking at me, I throw the dusty rag in my hand right in his face.
“God, you’re so smug.”
Placing that one on the coffee table I sift through a few more until I come across one of my favorite pictures and even more than that, my favorite memory with Kingston. He’s standing in the lake we used to go to on summer weekends. He is baby faced at nineteen with only a few tattoos. The best part is his ass crack hanging out of his swim trunks. Booty is out of control—I chuckle.
“Shay! Lana! Does this water make my ass look fat?” Shay and I are reading Cosmo and lying out in the warm Utah summer sun when Kings yells to us. Looking over the rim of my magazine I crack up. There plain as day, is Kingston’s huge ass barely contained in his swim trunks. Kingston has the roundest, sexiest ass, like a peach and I love it. It’s cute. He knows this and he owns it.
“No, I think it’s your big ass.” He looks appalled by my insult. He asked for it.
“How rude! I happen to think this big ass is my best ass-set, bu-dun-chu!” His attempt at fake drums just makes us all laugh harder. “Take a picture of it, save it for later, when you’re alone at night and thinking of me.”
I grab my phone and snap a picture. “I’m taken, but I’ll make sure to keep this as blackmail.” Kings rolls his eyes at the mention of my new boyfriend, Joel, but it quickly passes when Trey throws a football and it barely misses his head.
“Nice job, dick! You almost got my hair wet!”
“Oh no, pretty boy Kingston almost got his hair wet!” Trey teases before winking over at Shayla. I see her blush, man she’s got it bad.