Tessa grimaced. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“What?”
“So do you like, love him? Or just want to fuck him?”
I almost spat out my mocha. “Do I what?”
“Come on. Seriously. All this ‘I hate you so much’ crap I’ve been listening to for the last five years, it’s textbook. No fucking around. Be honest. Are you or are you not in love with him?”
I held my cup with both hands and stared down at it.
“I don’t know. There is something about him, I guess. I mean I feel something,” I sighed in frustration. “It’s complicated…”
“Okay, let me just shut you up right there. You need to be careful around James. I know you think you know him because he lives with you, but there's a lot of secrets he's kept from you.”
“Secrets, Tessa?” I set my coffee down. “James is box of secrets wrapped in an enigma. But that doesn't change the fact that he kissed me and I felt something. What's option two?”
She let out a resigned sigh. “Option two is you go to Boston, confront him, and tell him you want to jump his bones.”
“That’s not a real option,” I told her. “Have you forgotten a little detail? He’s my brother.”
“He’s your stepbrother. Get it out of your system so you aren't doing this to yourself. You don't need him.”
“Get it out of my system? That's not helpful,” I told her. Though, I loved the idea of not wanting him the way I did.
“So what, you two are a little freaky. Who cares?”
“Uhm, the rest of Western society?”
“Fuck them. What did they ever do for you? You think the world is going to do you some favor because you were a good girl who didn’t fuck her brother?”
Tessa’s voice was too loud. An old lady three tables over glanced at us. Tessa shot her a sarcastic smile. “Sorry, I’ll try to keep it down, grandma.”
“Jesus, Tessa.”
“I’m just telling you how it is. He’s not your brother. His mom fucks your dad and he lived in your house for a while. Some people won’t like it, but there’s always something people aren’t going to like about you. Besides, you're basically the only girl in Springfield he hasn't fucked. Might as well complete the set.”
“I just… I don’t know. I mean he was on the cover of a fucking magazine by the cash register! He’s a billionaire now, he doesn't have a shortage of girls to pick from. And even if he had the same feelings that I think I do for him, how could he act on them? He’s under a spotlight now. People will find out.”
“Whoa, stop the fucking cart. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Keep it simple for now. Go and see him. Tell him, jump on him, whatever. Depending on what happens up there, we can sort out all that other stuff afterward.”
“Do you really think I can do it?”
“No. I don’t think you have the balls to do it, personally. Which is good because you don't need him. You can do better.”
“All right. Thanks for the advice. No, I mean it. But can we just talk about something else now?” I said. “I don’t want to drive myself crazy when I have an eight hour drive on my own to look forward to.”
Thankfully, Tessa let me drop it, and after a little banal girl talk and a really big hug, I drove her home. Later, I'd get back to my college dorm room, back to college in New York.
Chapter 8
I spent the next two weeks distracting myself until classes started again and I could lose myself in my studies. I cleaned the dorm room in places light hadn’t touched for months. I scrubbed pots and pans until they looked new. I emptied the refrigerator and cleaned out the freezer. I polished floors and wiped down the walls. When my roommate, Nicole, got back the day before classes, she was delighted with the room but seemed disturbed when I told her I had done the cleaning all on my own.
“But why?”
“To distract myself,” I admitted. She gave me a curious look, but didn’t probe any further.
Finally, the morning came when classes started again and it was time to get back on campus. I felt I had done as much as I could to wash my Christmas break from memory and was feeling upbeat about what the second half of my freshman year had to offer.