SAFEHOUSE

“Stop it Chandra. Be serious for once. Why did you let this happen?” I said exasperatedly, shaking my head. I stared down at my sandwich trying to decide if I was even hungry enough to take a bite. All morning I’d been driving around freaking out, but the events of last night hadn’t gotten any clearer. Chandra was the only one who could even hope to explain things to me. After all… She was there.

“Let it happen? Are you Crazy?” Chandra said, laughing. I told you it was a bad idea!” You’re the one who wanted to marry the guy.

Chandra tried not to look me in the eye. “Cut me some slack. You weren’t the only one who drank too much… Did you even try talking to this guy Savannah?”

“I tried to go back to the hotel before I called you. He was already gone and the front desk wouldn’t tell me anything! Chandra… They thought I was… Uh…”

“What?” Chandra asked, eyes widening.

“They thought I was a hooker! The bitch at the desk threatened to have me escorted out by security!”

“Oh God!” Chandra said, laughing way too loudly. “Give me a second… I’m sorry Savanna… Oh God I’m sorry…”

She was still laughing, but I didn’t think this was funny! “Maybe I can invalidate the wedding or something. Didn’t Brittney Spears do something like that?”

“You mean an annulment,” Chandra replied, scrunching her nose.

“Yeah, that! I could get an annulment with whatever-his-name-is.”

Chandra died laughing. I watched her youthful and quirky face as she giggled and pointed at me. “Ok… Ok… You don’t even know his… Oh gawd,” she managed between giggles.

“Real funny Chandra. Laugh it up,” I said, scowling at her. She just threw her head back laughing even harder. “Marriage license,” she finally replied, pointing at my purse as the laughter finally faded. “You’ve got a copy of the marriage license.”

I pulled the little Coach bag open, a little envelope with a white chapel embossed on the front staring me in the face. Lifting it up and pressing a fingernail under the seal, I took a deep breath. Inside, I’d find the name of my ‘husband’, and the thought absolutely terrified me.

“Go ahead. Aren’t you excited to find out your new last name?” Chandra said, giggling again. “Maybe his last name is Banana! Savannah Banana!”

“You’re making it worse,” I replied, tearing through the paper with my fingertip, pulling out the gold foil edged official State of Nevada document. Chandra didn’t even give me a chance to look at it before she ripped it from my shaking hands.

“Oh my God, it IS Banana! Savanna Banana!”

“Shut up Chandra, give me that,” I shouted, reaching out as she held it over her head. “Mr. and Mrs. Banana, your table is ready,” she said mockingly before finally bringing the paper back down and handing it over. “Look, you’ve gotta relax Savannah, I’m sure everything is going to be ok. Laugh a little, people have done crazier things than this.”

I stared down at the document, flipping it over and reading the name again and again, my brain trying to wrap itself around it.

“Graham Archer… Who the hell is Graham Archer?”

“See? Savannah Archer. That’s not so bad now is it? I like it!” Chandra said, holding in any further laughter. I just gave her a look and pulled out my phone. Whoever this ‘Graham Archer’ was, I’d be free of him soon enough. I held the little button, and when the phone beeped, I spoke.

“Who is Graham Archer?”

The phone beeped again. “Here’s what I found on the web,” came the soft robotic voice. My eyes were glued to the screen even as my jaw fell open.

“What, is he a serial killer or something?” Chandra asked, her voice almost sounding impossibly far away. I could hear my own heartbeat pounding in my ears.

“Worse…” I replied, sliding through headline after headline.

Graham Archer’s interracial marriage shocker!

America’s #1 most eligible bachelor is off the market.

Billionaire Philanthropist Graham Archer breaks ground on new children’s hospital.

Cinderella Story: Heir to billion-dollar fortune marries a wedding photographer?

Happy Birthday? Graham Archer turns 30 and gets MARRIED IN VEGAS! Shocker: To a mocha skinned beauty?!?

Chandra moved from her seat to look over my shoulder, gasping as she read right along with me. “Savannah… If you don’t want this one, I’ll totally marry the guy.” The statement was rooted in perhaps a bit more truth than fiction. Chandra was adorably silly, but when it came to men she was a fierce tigress on the prowl.