She couldn’t stifle a small sound of horror at the picture he painted. He had been seventeen years old, so no wonder it had scarred him so dramatically. “Is that why you’re so irresponsible? Are you living for your dad or something?”
He shook his head, his lips twitching very briefly. “That’s what Kiersten always says, but no, it isn’t true. I’ve been living for myself, wanting to enjoy every day I have before the disease strikes me down too.”
This time, her gasp was loud enough to fill the room, and she couldn’t help reaching out for him. A second before her fingers brushed his, she put her hand back on her lap. “You have Huntington’s too?”
“It’s hereditary. If a parent has it, they have a fifty-percent chance of passing it on to their kid. If you have the defective gene, you will get symptoms. Some people are lucky enough that it hits late in life, and they die of other causes before the Huntington’s gets too catastrophic. Since Dad had such early symptoms that progressed so quickly, chances are my prognosis would have been more like his. I would’ve been lucky to make it to my mid-forties without a serious decline in my quality of life. I would have been a burden on anyone who loved me.”
She could no longer rein in the impulse to touch him, her hand clasping his. “You only have a few years left?” Despite her lingering anger at him, grief speared her at the idea of losing him so young and so soon.
He didn’t answer as he kept speaking. “Something most people don’t understand about children of people with Huntington’s is we know we have a fifty-fifty chance of having inherited a death sentence. We have that same risk of passing it on if we have the gene, which was why I was so adamant about you aborting to start with. I didn’t want to pass down this curse to another generation. But the truth is, I didn’t know my status. I was afraid to find out, and I’ve just been living my life as though I already have Huntington’s, and the symptoms will appear sooner rather than later.”
She shook her head in confusion. “I really don’t understand. Do you or don’t you have it?”
“I don’t have the gene.” His expression bordered on amazed as he spoke the words. “I just assumed I did, and I was too afraid to get tested. That’s actually more common than you think. About eighty-percent of all people who descend from someone with Huntington’s don’t get tested themselves unless or until symptoms develop.”
Nadia scowled. “That makes no sense. Why wouldn’t you want to know instead of living in doubt?”
“Sometimes, it’s easier not to know that you’re running headlong into the biggest train wreck of your life. I thought it was easier to just assume I was and live accordingly. Kiersten, on the other hand, got tested at sixteen, a year after Dad had killed himself, because she needed to know. She’s always been the more pragmatic type, facing her fears head-on.”
Dread curled in her stomach. “Does Kiersten have it?”
Sawyer nodded. “Yes, she has the defective gene. Someday, she’ll have symptoms, but she claims knowing ahead of time has given her a chance to come to terms with it. For me, from my perspective, it looks like she has wasted her life chained to the office too.”
Shock spiraled through her as she contemplated Kiersten’s future, even as she found herself saying, “You can’t make that kind of judgment on her behalf though. If she’s happy with the life she’s chosen, and she’s aware of what she’s potentially missing out on, that’s her choice and not yours.”
He nodded. “Of course my brain tells me that, but I can’t control my more visceral reaction to her decisions. I was viewing her choices through a lens distorted by my own perceptions. I believed I would die young, and we know Kiersten will likely do so, either by allowing the disease to take its course, or opting for suicide as my father did when her symptoms get too bad.
“When you have just a few precious years, you went to cram as much life as possible into them. At least I did. Kiersten chose a different path, and the irony is I don’t have Huntington’s, so I’ll never develop symptoms of the disease.” His gaze moved her stomach. “Most importantly, our child will not inherent Huntington’s. I don’t have the defective gene, so I can’t pass it on.”
Nadia sagged forward, hugging her stomach as she tried to process his words. They explained so much about Sawyer and his actions. Examined in a new light, she could appreciate why he had been so reckless and irresponsible, always ducking out on his obligations. It still didn’t make it any easier to accept he had wanted to abort their baby, that he’d insisted on it. “Why were you so determined to get rid of our child, even if he or she had Huntington’s? It would be years before it would affect him or her.”
His lips tightened. “Not necessarily. My uncle had juvenile onset, and he was dead by twenty, choking to death on his own saliva. The earlier symptoms present in a family, the more likely anyone with the gene is to have a severe form. I didn’t want that kind of life for our child, or the uncertainty of knowing or not knowing what he was facing.
“As I said, it was a knee-jerk reaction. I’ve spent my whole life fighting against the idea of having children, convinced I never wanted them, because I didn’t want to pass on the curse of Huntington’s. It was my original, honest gut reaction, but it’s not how I feel now.”
She sneered at him. “Now that our child should okay, it’s fine to let it live? That’s horrible, Sawyer. What if it has some other defect, like Down Syndrome? Will you want an abortion again?”
“No, of course not.” He spoke with quiet conviction. “It was a horrible reaction, and I want you to know that during the past three days when I waited for the results, I realized I would love our baby no matter what, even if he had juvenile onset, and even if I was dead within ten years, and he barely remembered me. I want to be here to help you. I wanted to support him and you during the time I had left. The life I had before is meaningless and worthless, especially without you and him. I’m sorry.”
They were simple words, clearly heartfelt, and they penetrated the anger she clung to like a blanket. She still hadn’t forgiven him for hiding so much from her, or his handling of the shock of the pregnancy, and it would take a while before she could trust him completely again, but she believed he genuinely wanted to be involved with their child. Just how involved was the major remaining question.
“How do you envision your support working, Sawyer? Are you going to mail a generous monthly check, but never see him? Will you fly him in to see you a few times a year, along with all the nannies money can buy? Will you take him for holidays and summers on the Quixote? I’d like to know what level of involvement you’re envisioning, Sinclair?”
He visibly winced at the use of his surname. “I’m envisioning a wedding ring, a lifetime commitment, being by your side when you give birth, and giving him three or four more brothers and sisters too. I see us supporting you from the sidelines as you race in the Louis Vuitton Cup, and as you eventually win the America’s Cup. Whatever life we have, I see you beside me, and him between us. I want that so badly for all three of us.”
Nadia stared at him helplessly, unable to hide the tears streaming down her face. “I’m not sure I can trust you, Sawyer. You hurt me so badly.” Abruptly, she remembered there was one more urgent question for which she need an answer. The answer that would
determine the outcome of everything else. “Did you sleep with Paige?”
Sawyer shook his head vigorously. “I wasn’t at all interested in her. I’ve only been interested in you since I saw you that morning on the boat in that sexy bikini. At first, I’ll admit it was strictly physical, and I was envisioning another one of my shallow flings with you, with the added bonus of getting my grandfather off my back for a while. I didn’t expect to feel anything more for you than simple desire, and I sure as heck didn’t expect to fall in love with you.”
She flinched at the word, not ready to hear it on his lips. “Don’t say that.”
He smiled tenderly. “You just told me you don’t trust me, so I have to tell you the truth so you’ll trust me again someday. The truth is I love you, Nadia. I went out of my way to drive you away because I knew it was becoming something special between us. It would inevitably lead to a long-term commitment, and I didn’t want to marry someone thinking I had only a few years left to live.
“I didn’t want to be the burden on you that I would have become if I went downhill too quickly, or if I didn’t have the nerve to follow through with suicide. I sure as heck didn’t want to have children that would have this curse, or leave them fatherless within a few years. Driving you away was the only solution I could think of, but it ripped my heart into about a million pieces to do so.”
She wanted to cling to her anger and her disbelief, but it was increasingly difficult in face of his sincerity. Was she punishing him for hurting her, or was she trying to shield her own heart from further hurt? She wasn’t entirely clear on the answer, which left her unsettled. She didn’t want to penalize him out of spite, but it was only natural to protect herself after what he had done before. “I’m willing to give you a second chance to prove these things, Sawyer, but I’m not jumping into anything right away with you. Do you understand?”