My father didn’t say a word, but I knew he was there. His presence kept me from speaking, moving, or breathing when I could help it. Why was he here? What was he doing hanging out with Mrs. English? There was no rational explanation.
Ethan! You’re supposed to give your defense.
What?
I looked up at the camera. Everyone in the room was staring at me.
Start talking, or I’m going to have to fake an asthma attack, like Link did during the biology final.
“My name is John Proctor.”
I stopped. My name was John.
Just like John at County Care. And John sitting on Ridley’s pink shag carpet. Once again, there was me, and there was John.
What was the universe trying to tell me now?
“Ethan?” Mrs. English sounded annoyed.
I looked back down at my paper. “My name is John Proctor, and these allegations are false.” I didn’t know if it was the right line. I looked back at the camera, but I didn’t see my father standing behind it.
I saw something else. My reflection in the lens started to shift, like a ripple in the lake. Then it slowly came back into focus. For a second, I was staring at myself again.
I watched my image as the corners of my mouth turned up into a lopsided smile.
I felt like someone had punched me.
I couldn’t breathe.
Because I wasn’t smiling.
“What the hell?” My voice was shaking. The afflicted girls started laughing.
Ethan, are you okay?
“Do you have anything else to add to that poignant defense, Mr. Proctor?” Mrs. English was more than annoyed. She thought I was screwing around.
I shuffled through my notes, my hands shaking, and found a quote. “ ‘How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul, leave me my name.’ ”
I could feel her glass eye on me.
Ethan! Say something!
“Leave me my soul. Leave me my name.” It was the wrong line, but something about it felt right.
Something was following me. I didn’t know what it was, or what it wanted.
But I knew who I was.
Ethan Wate—son of Lila Jane Evers Wate and Mitchell Wate. Son of a Keeper and a Mortal, disciple of basketball and chocolate milk, of comic books and novels I hid under my bed. Raised by my parents and Amma and Marian, this whole town and everyone in it, good and bad.
And I loved a girl. Her name was Lena.
The question is, who are you? And what do you want from me?
I didn’t wait for an answer. I had to get out of that room. I pushed my way through the chairs. I couldn’t get to the door fast enough. I slammed against it as hard as I could, and ran down the hall without looking back.
Because I already knew the words. I’d heard them a dozen times, and every time they made less sense.