Smitten

“I think she’d be elated.”

He pulls out his phone and taps on it, and, ten seconds later, his gorgeous wife is standing before me, her blue eyes sparkling.

“What’s up, Fishy Wishy?” she says, cradling her baby bump. “My hubster tells me you want to talk about sex.”

Seventeen

Fish

“You’ve come to the right place,” Kat says.

She and I are sitting together in Ryan and Tessa’s living room. I’ve just finished stumbling and stammering through my explanation of why I wanted to speak with her in private. “If it turns out I’m Alessandra’s first at some point,” I say, “I don’t want to blow it. I’ll want to make sure it’s really special and perfect for her.”

“That’s so sweet.”

“So, do you have some advice or tips for me?”

“I do.” She points at my phone. “Take notes, honey. I’ve got some pearls for ya.”

I pull out my phone and swipe into the notepad. “Okay. Lay those pearls on me, dudette.”

“Foreplay,” Kat says reverently. “Everything you do with Alessandra will be a first for her. Every touch, every sensation. So, you need to give her time to adjust and settle in, each step of the way. Make like molasses, honey. At least, at first, while she’s still learning. You understand?”

I nod.

“I’ll send you some links about foreplay. Some videos. I promise, you’ll thank me.” She points at my phone. “Write down ‘molasses.’”

“Already did.”

“Good boy. Don’t forget ‘foreplay’ is both physical and mental. Every conversation is foreplay. Every smile. Compliment her frequently.”

“It’d be impossible not to compliment her constantly. She’s amazing.”

“Good boy. Now, listen. Don’t say anything about her turning you on because she’s ‘so pure’ and ‘chaste’ and ‘innocent.’” Kat rolls her eyes. “That’s fetishizing her virginity, Fish. And it will ultimately backfire on you. It might lead to her feeling insecure about her sexuality, or maybe even ashamed of it. She might not feel comfortable exploring her wild side with you. And you don’t want to miss out on her wild side.” Her eyes gleam. “Trust me, that’s the best part of any woman.”

“Damn, Kat,” I murmur, and she laughs. “Don’t worry. I’d never think Alessandra’s only sexy because she’s a virgin. She’s just sexy. Period.”

“Good boy. Always reinforce that messaging—that’s she’s hot to you, not because she’s a virgin, but because she’s Alessandra.”

I nod. “Got it. Thank you.”

Kat leans back into the couch. “Last but not least, when it comes to sex or fooling around, always make sure she gets hers. Whether it’s her first time, or her millionth. Never, ever get yours and leave your woman hanging. You hear me? Never. If you leave your woman hanging, then you’re a hideous monster, and not the good kind.”

I feel myself blushing crimson. “Um . . .”

“What? I’m here and I’m an expert. Ask me anything.”

“The thing is . . . I’m totally down for that rule . . .” I scratch my chin. “In theory. But I’m not some kind of sex god, to be honest. I can’t guarantee to get a woman there, every time. No matter what. Also, Alessandra has told me—and this is confidential, Kat—that she’s not always successful with herself. So, if Alessandra can’t reliably make it happen for her, then—”

“I get it. Oh man, I’m so glad you’re telling me this.” She points at my phone. “O-M-G yes dot com.” When I look at her blankly, she repeats the comment before explaining, “It’s a website by women for women about the female orgasm. You’re right to wonder how you’re going to get Alessandra there, reliably, if she can’t do it for herself. What Alessandra needs to do is watch videos on that website and figure out which techniques get her off, pretty much without fail. Once she knows what works for her, she can communicate that to you.”

I’m incredulous. “You’re suggesting I tell Alessandra about a website that teaches her how to masturbate effectively?”

She nods. “And then tell her to send you links to whichever videos—”

“Are you high?” I whisper-shout, so nobody in the nearby birthday party will overhear us. “Kat, I can’t talk to Alessandra about any of that! Yes, she’s told me she’s a virgin, but it’s not like we’ve expressly agreed I’m going to be The Guy!”

“I thought it was a done deal.”

“No! She’s hinted. Implied. I’m hoping. But I can’t make that kind of presumption and tell her to send me links to her favorite masturbation techniques so I can use them on her! Do you have any idea how presumptuous and douchey that would be of me?”

“Well, shit. Don’t get your little Fish-panties in a twist. I misunderstood.” She taps the indentation in her chin. “Okay, new plan. I’ll tell Georgina to tell Alessandra about that website. When Georgie spent the night at my house the other day, we talked about everything, including how much Alessandra adores you. So, I can confidently tell you—in confidence—you’re not the only one in your relationship who’s thinking about these things.”