When we’re done, we lie silently in each other’s arms for a long while. But, finally I can’t keep myself from saying the thing I’ve been thinking, on a running loop, for the past few days.
“Will you produce my album?”
Fish pauses. “What about Zeke?”
“Zeke is great. But I’d rather have you.” When Fish says nothing, I sit up in the bed and look down at his shell-shocked expression. “Reed said the most important thing is that my album should reflect my voice. Well, who better to coax that out of me than you?”
Fish looks pained. His Adam’s apple bobs. “Honey, I’ve never produced an album for another artist. Only for 22 Goats—and as Dax’s co-producer, at that.”
“You were basically my ‘producer’ at the music video shoot! And you’ve already had a thousand brilliant ideas for my album. I’ve loved coming up with ideas this week with you. It’s been magical. And so easy!”
Fish looks floored. “I was assuming I’d pass those ideas along to Reed and Zeke. Love, you’re in great hands with them.”
Shit. I hate that I’m coming off like an ingrate. But the truth is, as successful and talented as Zeke is, I just don’t think he’s a perfect fit for me. To be honest, something about the production of my single has felt off to me for a while now. I didn’t trust my inner voice about it, at first. I told myself I was crazy not to love Zeke’s approach to my song. But now that I’ve spent the week with Fish, writing and brainstorming, I can clearly see what’s missing from “Blindsided.” My authentic voice. Now that I’ve been working with Fish, I’m positive Zeke’s touch on my song was too heavy handed. Too slick. The song sounds like a surefire hit, that’s for sure. But it’s not quirky enough for me. It’s not warm enough.
Breathing hard, I choke out, “Zeke doesn’t understand me like you do. I went with the flow, and let him and Reed do their thing on my single, because . . . Who the hell am I? They know this business. They know how to make a hit! But this week with you, I’ve gotten clarity that I don’t want success at the expense of my authentic voice. I’d rather the song doesn’t do quite as well, but I’m thrilled with it. Fish, there’s no doubt in my mind you, as my producer, would know exactly how to make hits for me, without also sacrificing the weird and quirky stuff that makes me me!”
Fish drags his hand over his face. “Fuck, Ally! I totally agree with you about the production on that song! I didn’t say anything because I thought you loved it and I wanted you to be happy. But I think Zeke was way too heavy handed.”
“Exactly!” I suddenly feel hot. Like I’m about to have a panic attack. “So, what do I do? Should I say something? It’s still an amazing song and the production is totally top notch, right? Should I just go with the flow?”
Fish shakes his head fiercely, looking as intense as I’ve ever seen him. “We need to speak up so they can redo the mix before release. There’s still time. It’ll be easy for Maddy to slip the new version of the song into the video. We’ll tell Zeke to take out some layers and let your voice take center stage. Maybe add some weird sounds in the bass register and some distortion to the guitar.”
“See? I knew you’d know exactly what to do! I need you, Fish. Matthew.”
He takes my hand. “You don’t need me. You just need to have faith in yourself and speak up. This is your music. You’re the artist. It’s a great production of a great song. And as it stands now, it’ll be a smash pop hit. But you don’t want to be a pop star, do you?”
I shake my head.
“You belong on the alternative charts, love. That’s where your true heart will take you.”
I look out the window of our hotel room at the Boston skyline. I’m trembling. I’m scared, but not confused. He’s right, and I know it. I return to Fish and nod. “I’ll tell Reed I want some changes.”
“I can talk to him, if you want.”
“No. It should be me. I’m also going to tell him I want the single to remain a standalone that’s not part of the album. I love ‘Blindsided,’ and I’m proud I wrote it. But it’s not right for the album. This album is going to be a love letter. To you. To myself. Reed said the album needs to be honest. Well, if I’m being honest, I’m happy now. In love. And I want the album to be about that.” I grab his hand. “The reason I want you to produce my album is because it will be a labor of love. And you’re the one who loves and knows me like nobody else.”