“How am I supposed to know?”
“I don’t know. I can’t get inside your head, Nate. How does it feel when you think about it?”
“Terrifying.”
“Terrifying that you will see him again or that you won’t?”
There is another long pause before he answers.
“Both.”
“I think that might give you your answer.” I stare at the phone, wishing I could see Nate’s expression. “He didn’t just praise your actions. He also gave you a lot of bad advice.”
“I know,” Nate mutters.
“He told you not to trust me.”
“He did.”
“But it wasn’t him, was it? It was you telling yourself not to trust me. You told yourself to interrogate me. You hurt me, Nate—mentally and physically.”
“I know I did,” he whispers. “I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself for that, but I hope you can.”
“I’m just trying to understand right now.” I know what he wants me to say, but I’m not there—not yet. “Talking about it helps.”
“I’m so glad you’re willing to talk to me again,” Nate says softly. “I’ve wanted to tell you all of this for so long. I know I kept texting you, and I’m sorry for that, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to tell you. I kept talking to Nora, but every time she said something, I kept wondering what you would have said instead.”
“She’s very supportive of you,” I reply.
“She is. It isn’t always what I need.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I can’t always trust those around me to give me the truth. Sometimes they just tell me what they think I want to hear.”
“That doesn’t sound like Nora.”
“She’s better than the others, but she’s also very good at avoidance. When we disagree, she just throws something at me and walks out.”
“That’s not so helpful.”
“No, it isn’t, but it’s how we’ve always been. It’s difficult trying to…to change myself when everyone around me remains the same.” Nate sighs. “I wanted to tell you because I think you’ll be straight with me but also do it in a…a nice way. Does that make sense?”
“We’re back to my kindness curse.”
“Full circle,” Nate says with a chuckle. “I remember when you told me about that. It’s not a behavior I had thought about before you, but once you brought it up, I realized it happens all the time.”
“I’m sure it does.” I lick my lips and pace the living room. “How is your family?”
We spend a few minutes just chatting, and I finally start to relax a little with the surprisingly easy conversation. The whole reason for my call is temporarily forgotten as I begin to regret not being there to meet Antony’s daughter when she visited or to see the new sports car Twos bought.
Eventually, we seem to run out of general updates and small talk, and an awkward silence looms between us before Nate finally speaks.
“I miss you so fucking much.”
“I miss you too.” Tears start to roll down my cheeks.
“Can I come and see you, Cherry? I feel like this conversation would be so much better in person.”