“What do you mean?” Nate asks.
“Do you really think your sister would let you run the family if she thought you weren’t capable of it? I hardly see Nora as someone who would just sit back and let you screw everything up.”
“No, she really wouldn’t.”
“Then maybe you aren’t giving yourself enough credit.”
“Maybe.” Nate sighs and looks at me intently. “Do you think less of me now, Cherry? Do you hate me for what I do, what my family does?”
“No. Maybe if you did those other things—drugs and whatever.” I shake my head. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I’d feel about that. I don’t know if I could live with that.”
“Does that mean…?” Nate pauses for a moment. “Are you thinking you might be able to live with it?”
“I’m thinking about it in general terms.”
“Oh.” Nate looks out the window. “I am probably hoping too much. Too soon, at least.”
“I’ve had some time to think and process,” I finally say.
“And?”
“I admit it scared me in the beginning but mostly because I was afraid you might be doing something really bad.”
“Oh, so I was a gangster, but now I’m a nice enough gangster?” Nate snickers.
“Something like that. Making forgeries…well, it doesn’t seem as bad as dealing drugs or committing major felonies. It’s more…what’s it called? White collar crime.”
“Maybe.” Nate shrugs and then goes quiet for a minute. “I’m still not…not always a good person. This business is illegal, and sometimes I have to do things that are worse than making a fake ID.”
I feel my limbs go cold.
“Have you…?” I can’t form the words.
“When we were in Cascade Falls that night—the last time I saw you—I promised to be honest with you. I know what you want to ask, and I’m going to keep that promise. You want to know if I’ve ever killed anyone, and though I can’t say I’ve done it personally, I also can’t say I’m not responsible.”
“Then that’s a yes.”
“I suppose it is. Never without a good reason, but I have been responsible.”
A shudder runs through me. Though the idea of Nate taking someone’s life—either by deed or by order—frightens me, I feel like it could be worse. Maybe his family is right, and I am naïve, but I also knew this was a possibility, and I had imagined the worst. Initially, I’d imagined his family was selling drugs to children or carrying out murder for hire.
Even if what they did was worse, it wouldn’t matter. Just being in his presence again is enough to tell me what I had been afraid to admit—I want to be with him. I’m not sure how it will work, but I want to be with him.
We’re going to have a child.
I swallow hard. I should tell him. It was the original reason for contacting him, but I still hadn’t managed to say anything about it.
“You look so frightened,” Nate whispers. “I don’t want to scare you, Cherry. I already made you afraid once, and I don’t ever want to do that again.”
“I’m not,” I say quickly.
“Your face says otherwise.”
“I’m just…contemplating.”
“Contemplating what?”
“I was afraid,” I tell him, “but I don’t think I am anymore. Ultimately, what your family does to make money isn’t important.”