“No…no…Alexandra, do not cry.” His fingertip captured the wetness before he leaned close to kiss the same spot on my cheek.
“I don’t wish to be apart from you,” I said as I leaned against his hand.
“You will be with me,” he said softly. He took my hand and placed it over his heart and over the baldric he wore underneath the links of chainmail. “Right here with me—always.”
Again, those three words came to my thoughts, and I wanted to say them. Again, I stayed my tongue, knowing this was not the right time. Still, my emotions took over, and I was unable to hold back any longer. I threw myself against his chest, and my tears flowed freely.
Branford held me to him a moment before he pulled my arms from around him, and he forcibly separated our bodies. He touched the side of my face and brushed his lips over mine. When I looked to his eyes, there seemed to be more he wanted to say, but as he parted his lips and licked over them, he said nothing more.
He turned and mounted his horse, calling to his men as they all began to ride through the castle gates. I stared after him, my unwavering gaze at his back until not only Branford but the rest of the company had disappeared from view.
I felt a hand on my arm and turned to find Sunniva beside me, her eyes also full of tears. She pulled both Ida and me close to her, and we all embraced together.
“Be strong for them,” she whispered to us. “Pray for them. It is all we can do now.”
*****
The thoughts and feelings that went through my mind during those first few days were far too convoluted and confusing. I knew of Branford’s desire for war since the first day I came to Silverhelm, and though I had considered in the back of my mind what it might be like, the reality of it was far, far different.
My mind would not stop producing the most horrific of images, usually dealing with a messenger coming to our rooms to inform me of Branford’s demise on the battlefield. Every time the door to our rooms opened, I cringed, sure that this was the time they would tell me of my husband’s death. Thankfully, it was usually either Janet or Samantha, Thomas’ wife, bringing me something to eat, but more often than not, the meal remained untouched.
At one point, my concern had been only for myself, wondering what would become of me if Branford were no more. Now, I did not care. If he fell, whatever happened to me no longer mattered. I could go back to being a handmaid—perhaps to Ida. It would be preferable than to be known only as Sir Branford’s widow.
I lost track of the number of days I simply lay in our bed, trying to stop thoughts of Branford from plaguing my conscious mind. I slept only when I could no longer keep my eyes open. Ida had sat beside me a few times, and I tried to hold conversation with her, but her state was not much better than mine. I feared we were more harmful than helpful to each other
When a messenger finally came to my door, my body went cold as he began to speak.
“Your presence is demanded by Sunniva, Queen of Silverhelm,” he said simply and then left the room.
His words did nothing to ease my sense of dread as I pulled myself from my position on the bed and found Janet waiting to help me dress. I wanted to fight her on the choice of attire, but we both knew if Queen Sunniva was calling for me, I needed to be properly dressed.
“You may go, Janet,” Sunniva said as we entered the grand hall and approached the throne. Camden was not present, nor were there any other members of the court—only Sunniva with Ida standing beside her. “Alexandra, we need to speak.”
I felt my hands begin to tremble, and I found myself unable to look into the queen’s face.
“I know what you are feeling,” she said, “for I have felt it many times before, but you cannot continue as you have been. If you do, I will be forced to send you to another part of the kingdom so your influence does not compromise our people.”
Had I heard her right? Was the queen going to send me away? If I were to be sent to another part of the kingdom, where would I sleep, and with whom would I stay? I thought of the rooms I was in and how many of the items there still carried Branford’s scent or even his very presence.
The very idea of being away from the rooms I shared with my husband was absolutely unendurable.
“Please, my queen.” My voice was barely a whisper. “Please do not send me away. I will do whatever you ask of me…I meant no harm…”
“I realize that, Alexandra.” Queen Sunniva reached out and took my hand. “I do not wish to be cruel, but our people are talking, and they are worried. They need to have confidence in their prince’s army, and how can they feel as such when his own wife is so devastated by the war that she will not leave her rooms?”
“I feel the same as you,” Ida said. “Mother’s already told me the same thing. Knowing Parnell is so far from me…and possibly in danger…It is very tempting to do as you have done and isolate myself, but we cannot do that. Our people need us to show our strength.”
I had not considered it in such a way. I was not used to even the idea of others looking to me for their guidance, and I felt a completely different chill run up my spine. Was I worthy of this station?
For the sake of Branford and the sake of his people, I would have to be worthy.
“Branford expected Amarra to be in your rooms by now,” Sunniva told me. “She was to be included as part of your guard, and yet she is still with the rest of the pack. I do not think Branford would like that news, do you?”
“No, my queen,” I said softly, looking down at my feet and clasping my hands together.
“Alexandra, I am not chastising you,” the queen said. “I am concerned for you and for your health. You are not eating well, and I know your nights are without rest. The messenger keeps inquiring about your well-being at Branford’s request, I’m sure. Thus far, I have kept him from checking on you personally, but it is only a matter of time before Branford demands it. How do you think he would react?”
I closed my eyes for a moment and then nodded. I could not argue with her even if I were so inclined. If Branford came back and found me as I had been only an hour ago, he would be most displeased.