I dropped back on my ass, wrapped my arms around my knees, and began to rock back and forth. I didn’t understand what was happening inside me, and I didn’t like it. My thoughts couldn’t seem to stay in one place, and instead, they bounced around from one memory to another.
The first time I saw her on the street corner.
The feel of her fingers across my chest in the shower.
The scent of her skin.
Holding her against me as we slept.
Would I ever sleep again?
There was just no way I was going to survive this.
Chapter 12 – Lost Sanity
My feet felt oddly disconnected as I plodded up the stairs of the CTA 146 bus heading north. It was pretty much completely full, and I had to stand there holding the bar for a couple of stops before there was a seat available. At the next stop, a bunch more people got on again, and I could barely see anything except asses. A little girl nearly fell in front of me as she tripped over people’s feet, and her father leaned down to pick her up and hold her to his chest. After a couple more stops, they also found seats right at the back.
She was an African-American girl of about four years old, and her head was covered with a hat that looked like it had been cut from one of those fuzzy bathroom rugs in bright pink. There were two long pieces of fuzzy fabric that I figured were supposed to form a scarf, but instead of wrapping around her neck, they just hung down on her shoulders. At the end of them were felt pieces made to look like an animal’s face. It was obviously warm and looked both ridiculous and adorably cute all at the same time.
What the fuck did I do?
More people crowded on, and the driver yelled at everyone to step toward the back of the bus to make more room. A couple in Muslim garb slipped past some of the other people standing in the middle of the aisle and moved near the back door to my right. She wore a black dress, and her head was covered in bright blue fabric. He was in a button-down white shirt with a high collar, and his beard was dark and full.
I wasn’t so far gone as to believe that the pair were Al Qaida sympathizers or insurgents just because of the way they were dressed or what holy book they happened to read on which day and in which building. Usually my reaction was no more than a slight flinch if they got too close, and then I would be silently berating myself for a couple minutes about being stupid.
This time was a little different.
I reached up and rubbed my hand over my face to rid myself of the sweat forming on my forehead. My eyes looked back towards the other end of the bus, but the hairs on the back of my neck continued to stand up and tickle at the inside of my head. My bladder felt the need to empty itself, and when I closed my eyes it all came back.
Middle of the afternoon, just east of base but right along the border. Insurgents had been taking potshots at the base, and we’d already had one suicide bomber blown to bits near the motor pool.
Send in the snipers.
We’re tasked with taking out the guys hiding in the hills, but the day’s been a wash. No people, no shooting.
“Where are you going, LT?”
“Thirty seconds, Private,” I respond. “Nature calls.”
He laughs nervously, and I move around the end of the pale beige building. I flip my rifle over to my back and release my dick from my fatigues. Something doesn’t feel right, but I shake off the feeling, and I sigh as a steady stream wets the sand in front of me.
Shots.
Screams.
The perimeter alarm begins to blare.
Trying to get my rifle back around my shoulder while simultaneously getting my dick into my pants. I stumble backwards, right myself, and then aim my weapon as I move around the building.
Bodies everywhere.
Ortega, Matthews, Davis, Ryans – all on the ground, none moving.
Pain in the back of my head, and the sand rushes up to connect with my face.
My eyes flew open, and I had to blink several times to get myself back into the present. The bus was even more crowded than before, and the Muslim couple had moved closer to me. My chest tightened as I tried to take a calming breath and failed.
“She’s dead.”