“Not too long after I met you,” I replied. “Well, some of it, anyway—the dreams, not being able to sleep—that started then. Seeing shit that isn’t there is more recent.”
In the low light coming from the window, I could see the glistening in Lia’s eyes, and I hated it. I hated that I was the one making her feel that way and that there was nothing I could do to change it. I hated being this way and couldn’t even begin to understand how it happened.
“I…I wasn’t always like this,” I said, my voice hushed. “I just don’t know…I don’t know what’s me inside and what isn’t.”
“But that’s who I met in Arizona,” Lia said. “That’s the person who let a stranger stay with him, even though it was probably dangerous. That’s who cooked for me and…and…”
“Fucked you?” I smiled slightly, and this time the gesture was returned.
“That’s the man who understood what I needed more than anything else and exactly how to give it to me.”
“It’s not like I didn’t want to do it,” I said.
“I realize that.” Lia’s smile widened, and she blushed. “The point is, that was all you. So you are in there, Evan—I know you are.”
I reached up and pushed her hair away from her forehead and stroked my fingertips down the side of her face as I talked.
“There’s so much shit in my head—shit I can’t unsee or undo. Sometimes it feels like there’s something inside of me just…tearing me up inside and waiting to bust its way out. I think maybe…maybe if I could get that out, then maybe the person I was is still underneath.”
I tightened my fingers slightly on her shoulder. I wanted to grip her as tightly as I could.
“Someday—when we’re away from here, and it’s just us—will you help me? Will you help me get it out so I can be what you need?”
Her hands cradled my face, and she brought her lips to brush quickly against my mouth.
“Of course I will, Evan. Don’t you see? That’s why I’m staying.”
Nothing was going to stop me from making sure she had the chance.
Chapter 15—Unexpected Gift
“I keep seeing this kid I shot in when I was over there.”
Mark Duncan was noticeably pissed off at me, not that I blamed him. As far as he had known, I dropped off the face of the planet once I left incarceration. Once I came out and told him I was hallucinating, he dropped the anger and looked me over carefully.
“Is there someone you are seeing who looks like this kid and you think it’s him, or is there no one there at all?”
“No one there, not when I try to get closer to him. He just vanishes.”
“Are you hearing things, too?”
“No.”
“You did before though, didn’t you? When you were locked up?”
“Yeah,” I acknowledged. “A few times.”
“Did you see him then?” Mark asked.
“No, not until a couple of weeks ago.”
“Always the same person?”
“Yeah.” I reached up and scratched at the back of my head.
“How many times have you seen him?”
“Three or four now, I guess.” I leaned back and took a calming breath. “I don’t understand why I see him. I killed plenty of people when I was there.”