Surviving Raine (Surviving Raine 1)

“Bastian, I want to,” she said. She wriggled out from below me, and I sat back as she rose up on her knees a little taller, so she was almost looking me in the eye. She pulled her hand out from under mine and placed it on the side of my face. “I want you, Bastian. Please.”

Oh God, did she really just say please to me?

“Raine, I don’t want to…” I stammered. I don’t want to what? Fuck her? I sure as hell did. I wanted to fuck her so bad it hurt, and not just because my dick was trapped in my shorts. What didn’t I want to do? Use her? Debase her? Reduce her to nothing but a place to shove my cock, like I did all the others? “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. You…mean more to me than just a…a…a quick fuck.”

“Is that what this would be?”

“Yes,” I said, though my throat was suddenly dry, and speaking was getting difficult. Then I heard what I had just said. “No! I mean…fuck, Raine! I don’t know what this is! I haven’t known what any of this has been since…since…”

“Since when?”

“Since I woke up and you were just…touching me.” There was a minute of quiet while Raine looked contemplative. She finally spoke.

“After you had the seizures?”

“Yeah.”

“You told me to stop.”

“I just wanted you to stop crying,” I said. “You shouldn’t be crying for someone like me. I didn’t want you to stop touching me.”

“You were telling me about the foster homes you were in,” she said softly. “You were crying, too. I couldn’t help it.”

“I don’t remember that,” I admitted. “I…don’t usually do that. I don’t usually talk about all the shit in my life.”

“You did the other night,” she reminded me.

I nodded and turned away from her with the intent of just getting out of there before it became something I couldn’t handle. Again.

“Bastian, there is nothing wrong with crying.”

I laughed but didn’t find anything particularly funny.

“Yeah, as a fighter, crying in the arena was definitely highly regarded.”

“Stop that,” Raine said, her tone a little harsh. I looked back to her and narrowed my eyes, but she threw it right back at me. “There’s no one here for you to impress but me. I’m not impressed by your brawn or your macho ideals.”

Raine placed the palms of her hands on either side of my face and turned my head to look into her eyes. I was overwhelmed by whatever I saw there – I still didn’t know what it was, I only knew I needed it.

“Didn’t I just show you what a dick I am a little earlier?” I asked her. “I scared you because I wanted to try to see you naked. I’m an asshole, and I don’t even know why you let me touch you.”

“You aren’t,” Raine said. I started to correct her, but she actually placed her hand over my lips. “I’ve been sleeping next to you for almost three weeks, Bastian. Do you know you talk in your sleep?”

“I…what?” Holy shit. I had no idea I did that.

“You talk in your sleep, and I know how often you have nightmares. I’ve heard you talk about some of the things that have happened to you.”

“They’re just dreams,” I said quietly through her hand over my mouth. “They don’t mean anything.”

“I’ve seen you, Bastian.” Raine’s voice was low, soft, and unmistakably confident. “I’ve seen you. Not who you pretend to be, not who you try to hide behind, not the drunken whore who uses booze and women to try to forget everything in his life. I’ve seen the real you. Please, Bastian. Please don’t hide him from me anymore.”

“I don’t know how else to be,” I said. “If I could be…something…someone else…for you, I’d do it.”

“I know you would,” she said, and her lips covered mine again as my hands found her hips and pulled her closer to me. I didn’t know if she was right, and I didn’t know if there was a difference between who she thought she saw and who I really was. I didn’t know if I could be different than I had always been, but right now she wanted me, and whoever I might have been before didn’t matter.

“I want to be,” I mumbled against her mouth, the words just spilling out without any real, conscious thought behind them. “I want to be…for you…”

“I know,” she murmured back.