Well, I tried to.
Instead, I lurched off to the side a bit and had to catch my balance. A chuckle escaped from me, but when I looked at Raine, she didn’t seem amused.
“Oh shit, it’s not funny, is it?” I snickered. I didn’t intend to snicker; it just came out that way.
“Oh my God,” she murmured. “Bastian, you’re drunk.”
Shit.
Our exchange from the airport bar where I almost took a shot ran through my head. We had just returned to civilization, and I’d gone from blissful isolation to being surrounded by crowds demanding Raine’s attention. At the first opportunity, I found a place that would serve me vodka.
“Bastian…don’t do this.”
“Do what?” I barked out a laugh. “Drink? I’m a fucking alcoholic, Raine. I told you that the first fucking day. That hasn’t fucking changed just because I didn’t have any alcohol available. I never stopped wanting it. Never. You know this shit.”
“You aren’t that person anymore, Bastian. I meant that. I wouldn’t be with someone like that. I couldn’t be with someone who I thought would hit me again.”
“I love you,” Raine said softly, her hand still on my arm, “but when you drink, you become someone else. I can’t be with that man, Bastian.”
“I won’t be.”
She took a couple of steps backwards, and I knew—I just knew—she was going to leave. My mouth dropped open, but I couldn’t form any words at first. I couldn’t move, either. It was as if my central nervous system was trying to fire every neuron inside of it at once, and each and every one of them failed to respond.
Can’t let this happen…just can’t…For fuck’s sake, Stark, get your shit together.
“Don’t,” I whispered as I shook my head. “Please don’t.”
Even through my drunken haze, I could see it all in her face—the confusion, the sorrow, the anger. Her face seemed to fall as her shoulders slumped. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she backed away again.
“No…no, Raine…” I reached out for her, but toppled forward and down onto my knees. My head pulsed and my eyes couldn’t focus well, but I could still see her in front of me. Reaching out and crawling forward, I found her thigh with my hand.
With my chest tightening around my heart and lungs, I grabbed for her and pulled her closer until my head was against her stomach.
“Don’t leave!” I begged. “Please, baby. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…please, please, God, Raine—don’t go!”
I clung to her.
Raine.
My lifeline.
The sails of my ship.
The only calm for my storm.
My only reason to exist in this fucked up world.
“Don’t leave me!” I sobbed against her. If she pushed me away, if she turned around and left me, I wouldn’t survive. No tournament game would matter. No orphaned child would matter. I couldn’t do any of it without her.
When I felt her hand cradle the back of my head, I almost dropped the rest of the way to the floor. If I hadn’t been clutching her so tightly, I probably would have. Tears burned as I clenched my eyes shut, and I was sure Raine’s shirt was getting soaked with them. I didn’t care. None of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was holding on to her.
“Don’t go,” I pleaded again.
“I’m not going,” she said quietly. “I’m right here, Bastian. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried. Raine said something under her breath, but I couldn’t hear it through my own sobbing. Her hand ran through the hair on the back of my head as she sunk down to her knees and held my head against her shoulder.
We stayed like that for a long time, kneeling on the floor and holding on to each other. I wrapped my arms underneath hers and up around her shoulders, trying to keep her as close to me as possible. Even though she said she wouldn’t leave, I was afraid she could change her mind at any moment.